So from when I was about 15/16 I quietly thought I was attracted to men and women, although never considered myself to be bisexual. In school I never had any relationships (wasn't interested in 'boys') yet was constantly being told I "deserve a nice guy"..."do you have a boyfriend yet"..."you'll find a nice boy soon" etc etc, which really annoyed me and made me feel inferior, ashamed. I guess my confidence was always quite low, and I never had any sense of self. But since I've gotten older (in my 20's now) I've gained confidence, and I feel like I'm discovering what I want (corny haha, but true..) I've had one long term relationship, with a guy. I wasn't happy, deep down... I felt sort of dulled down, and not myself. Since then I've had another short relationship with a guy, but that fizzled out too, on my part. I've had (unsuccessful) dates with men only as a result of being set up by friends, because I sort of felt that I had to. I've slowly come to realise that I do not enjoy sex with men. At all. And that's hard to accept? It feels odd because I've always had it in my head that I should enjoy sex with men, I should want to date them - but to be honest, I've never felt that, I've always gone along with it because that was what was expected. Up until now I've always thought that there was something wrong with me. I am more attracted to women than men (physically and emotionally) & I've always said that I want to sleep with a girl at some point in my life (came close once...well, it was a drunken fondle in a bar bathroom stall :lol and now I feel ready to date women...but I don't know where to start. I'm really, REALLY worried about what my family will think if they found out - my mom and grandmother have made it very clear in the past they think homosexuality is "gross", "weird", "unnatural", "wrong." Not so much in a homophobic way I don't think -more ignorance, and they're both quite religious. I haven't talked to anyone about this, (so sorry for the long post!) I've tried to talk to a friend who's recently come out and is openly dating girls (of which I've found myself v jealous...) but she laughed and me and said "no, you're straight" which really hurt my feelings. Especially since she had a tough time herself, as no one would believe her when she told them she was gay - and I supported her. It was like the prejudice she got, she threw back at me. Eek. I guess I'd just like some opinions or advice on where to go from here. I've never written my thoughts down before so this was very cathartic, hope it made sense :lol: I suppose I've stopped beating myself up and become more accepting, and as a result have basically come out to myself. I want to move forward but I am terrified & don't know how! It's strange to think my life may not be like the 'heterosexual dream' of conventional marriage, kids, etc - although I've never wanted it anyway?! It's all so confusing. Feelings, feelings everywhere! Thanks if you read all of that
The first thing you could do is try and forget the opinions of your friend and your family. For now, they don't matter. You've admitted in your post that you are more attracted to women than men. You've also said that you don't like sex with men and found the relationships you've had with them caused you to feel "dulled down" "(not) happy" and like you "felt (you) had to" do it. Which basically leaves you with a couple of ways this could go. It might turn out that dating girls is really fulfilling. OR It might turn out that while your attraction is still higher, you don't enjoy the relationship, or feel the same way you did when dating guys. If it's the first, then let's be honest here, you find dating a girl and sex with a girl to be better than with a guy, you're going to want to date girls, correct? Then at this point you need to be focusing on what YOU want and deserve, not what your family might say about it. If you find out you really just want to date girls, that isn't going to go away just because your family don't like it. Really, what does considering their negativity bring to you right now? It won't prepare you for it! It's just going to make you feel worse about an important discovery in your life. I mean you consider what they say, but is that going to change anything? If their going to be openly against you dating a girl you will either have to ignore them eventually and do it anyway, take it to heart and never date again or take it to heart to force yourself to date guys. Worry about YOUR thoughts for now.
I see what you mean, I know it's not at all helpful to think about their possible negative reaction and I need to make my own decision. I do want to try dating girls, it's just gathering the courage I guess. Thanks for your reply
Hey first of all take a deep breath, it's all going to be ok. Give yourself a pat on the back for getting as far as you have have. Maybe you could send your friend a message explaining that you were a bit hurt by her comments and that you could really do with some support. Alternatively you could tell a different friend. As for your family, I'm not saying it will be easy but you may find that when it comes to one of their own they change their opinion, especially if it is just through ignorance. Are there any LGBT groups where you are? Perhaps you could join one
Hi, yeah I think I'm going to try talking to another friend tomorrow. Maybe. Haha. I do need to talk about it. I'd like to think my family will be accepting if/when I told them, think you may be right about them changing their opinion, or hopefully they'll become more open minded. Thanks for replying
Update: I talked to my friend tonight, basically kinda got it all out about me liking girls, and although she was kinda surprised at first, she was supportive feels like a huge step forward. I could have cried whilst telling her, my heart was beating so fast!
Congrats on talking to your friend! It's such a courageous thing to do and it's wonderful that she is so supportive. Isn't it great to know you have someone on "your side"?!
