The dreaded "What am I?"

Not sure if this belongs in this board or the Gender ID board, but here goes...

I have a laundry-list of psych diagnoses (High-Functioning Autism, ADD, Depression, Social Phobia), so for most of my life I've had bigger problems than some comparatively-mild identity confusion. Dysphoria is an old friend that comes and goes, but whether it's related to gender/sex identity, I don't know. It's a possibility I'd like to explore-- anything to feel better, about myself and in general.

Physically, I'm female.

Sexually/romantically, I'm attracted to men. (Though I should add that I've never interacted with anyone in a romantic or sexual way, besides having a couple of crushes.)

As far as gender goes, I'm pretty comfortable identifying as a woman. I've always been tomboyish, but not to a degree that's socially unacceptable for a girl/woman.

So everything lines up, yeah? Not quite.

It's the physical part that's troublesome. I really dislike having breasts. Not too keen on the vagina, either, but it's a lot easier to ignore. (Though I do hate having a menstrual cycle, but I figure nobody really likes that.)

I hit puberty around age 10, and I can remember having to jog laps in PE, thinking how inconvenient these things on my chest were. Just... pointless, in the way.

When I was in high school, my mom got breast cancer, and ended up having both breasts and all her internal reproductive organs removed. I was actually kind of jealous. As in, "Gee, I wish there was a way to do that without all the nasty hormonal crap she's going through." In the same vein, I was kind of hoping she would turn out to have the breast cancer gene, so I'd be able to justify getting a mastectomy myself. (Since I'm currently a federal employee, and hope to stay that way, mastectomy for anything other than breast cancer is pretty much off the table now.)

It doesn't help that I'm very overweight, and have been for years. So I'm unhappy with my body in general as well, and my breasts are pretty big (DDD-cup). They make my back hurt, and as far as I'm concerned, have zero redeeming qualities. I have no intention of ever having children (I have trouble looking after *myself*, putting me in charge of kids would be a disaster), and I don't get any sexual pleasure out of them (possibly because they are big, saggy things with inverted nipples). I'm working on losing weight, and really hoping that my breasts will be less bothersome if they're smaller.

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that while I'm a woman attracted to men, I'd prefer to be more androgynous physically. (I'm ambivalent about what's between my legs, but the breasts are ick.) Is there a term for that? Even if I don't *do* anything, a label would make me feel better about it. Having been (finally) diagnosed as autistic in college, I know what a relief it can be just to have a name for the way you feel.


(Interestingly, I hadn't realized just how *much* I hated having breasts until I wrote all this out. I have a problem with blocking out things that distress me; makes it hard to figure out exactly what the underlying problem is. I think I might have hit on something, here.)

 

Even just talking about it seems to have helped some. Yesterday I got in a "dress-up" mood for the first time in a while. My preferred clothing is jeans and a loose t-shirt (slacks and loose, layered tops for work, but those come off as soon as I get home). But every once in a while I do feel like being fancy (usually for a short time, going out for dinner or something), wearing a skirt and dress-shoes and some fancier jewelry.

I guess other than the chest and curves, I do usually have a pretty androgynous look. Gender-neutral clothes, no makeup, minimal jewelry (plain stud earrings and maybe a simple necklace). I'm lucky enough to have fine, light-colored body hair, so I don't bother shaving my legs. I finally took the plunge and got my hair cut short a few months ago, and I'm *loving* it. (I'd been thinking about it for at least a year, but I'm a natural redhead, so everyone kept saying how it would be a "waste".)

Binding is definitely something I should look into. I had considered it when I was younger, but had no idea how to go about it safely. Although it seems backwards, I actually tend to not wear a bra at all around the house; my breasts hang down to the bottom of my ribcage, so without a bra, at least my upper chest is flat. But it did get a few new posture bras recently that are slightly too small, which I'm really liking. And if I start binding as I lose weight, it probably won't be as obvious a change to others (really only worried about coworkers and grandparents).

 

Maybe? Although getting called "sir" while out snow tubing a couple months ago (in lots of layers, a bulky men's coat, and a ski mask) was somewhat distressing, I really took it more as a reflection of my weight than looking particularly masculine.

 

Now that I'm actually thinking about it (instead of pushing it down where it won't bother me), I'm probably comfortable identifying solely as a woman at least in part because my personal concept of gender roles is so broad.

My mom is a doctor, my dad a music teacher. It was my dad who stayed home to take care of us when my brother and I were little, and even now he does almost all of the cooking, cleaning, grocery-shopping, etc. Meanwhile, my mom is an avid sports fan (though we live in a college town, so most people are), and aside from liking romance novels/movies, doesn't really have any "girly" hobbies. Growing up, there was pretty much zero (parental) pressure to act or dress more femininely than I wanted to (unless it was something formal, requiring a dress).

Oh, and I talked to my mom about hating my breasts and the possibility of chest-binding. She actually sympathized with the physical discomfort, having been quite busty herself pre-cancer. Her only concern was that I wait and see if just losing weight makes my chest small enough to stand, before resorting to binding. She's worried that binding might cause tissue changes that would make mammograms difficult to read. Considering my family history is riddled with all different kinds of cancer, I don't need to make it any harder for a doctor to catch it early. (Seriously, I'm sure if I live long enough, I'll eventually end up with some kind of cancer.)

 

I do look kinda masculine right now, but only because an obese female doesn't look a whole lot different from an obese male. I'll probably get more feminine as I slim down, but I am tall with a large frame, so it won't be too bad.

I'm not in good enough shape to be "working out", per se, but I've been better lately about exercising regularly, at least. I took a weight-lifting option one year in PE (when I was younger and in a lot more fit) and loved it. So that's something to look forward to when I'm physically able to again.