I went to the Gay and Lesbian center tonight. My happy, in-control-of-my-life feeling was gone by last night and all I could think was that all of this is just my OCD acting up. (I did do some research into HOCD and it didn't seem to fit, but I could be having some other kind of compulsive thoughts -- there is apparently a form where you aren't afraid of being gay but you just are obsessed with wanting to find out your identity for sure.) I kept telling myself that the only reason I thought I was gay was liking female/female porn and that doesn't count. Even though that's not the only reason. By the time I got to the room I was feeling really guilty for being in a place where I didn't belong. And then I started mentally beating myself up for the whole thing. "You're so stupid, you only have OCD and you let it take you over so much that you went to the Gay and Lesbian center and wasted their time again." I'm not saying it was a horrible night -- the women were nice and fun to talk to, and we went out to eat afterwards. But most of the time all I could think was "You don't think any of these women are attractive you're a horrible person for being here." (Which in and of itself is kind of stupid, because if it had been a group of men I probably wouldn't have been attracted to anyone either.) And I started thinking about the time I briefly kissed a woman, and it didn't go well, though there were other reasons for that. A few days ago I felt happy and at peace with myself, in a way that I rarely feel. And also for whatever reason really convinced that I wasn't straight, whereas I used to never feel sure. But now I just don't know anymore. I don't know if the thoughts that I am gay (or bi) are OCD or the thoughts that I'm not gay, or both, or neither. At this point I literally have OCD about my OCD, which is just depressing. I guess I was hoping that a light would shine from the ceiling and tell me "Yes, you are gay." Or that I'd meet a beautiful woman and everything would fall into place, but instead I just feel kind of upset and sick and I'm not even sure why. I even spoke to my coworker at work, who is a lesbian, about how I was going to the group. I mean, she won't care what I decide I am and she won't even ask, but I feel so... stupid. I have an appointment with my therapist on Wednesday. She is (or was, I haven't seen her for a while) convinced that I'm not straight and I'm in denial about it, because I used to talk to her about wanting to date women, but why would I be in this damn much denial after all these years? I'm sorry for the length of this post, and I'm sorry it's more about my mental health than my orientation. But I just really needed to talk about this and it has helped to let it out.
"but why would I be in this damn much denial after all these years?" Probably for the same reason you keep insisting that you are gay all the time. If your brain is telling you one thing and you can think of a million and one reasons (whether they make sense or not) that your brain is wrong, you're going to deny the hell out of it as instinct.
I'm a little confused... are you saying both sets of feelings are from OCD? (Not that I really expect you to figure out my brain! I'm just not sure what you mean.)
I dont know much of anything about OCD, but I think you are being WAY to hard on yourself. People at the gay and lesbian center are there to help and support you any way they can, so I'm sure they feel very differently about your visit! I cant "analyze" but I CAN share my personal experiences When I was sure I was straight I wasnt attracted to every guy either as you suggest above. I cant remember ever going utterly crazy over very many men (besides maybe James Dean -- I have 9/30/55 tattooed on my ankle) and I can say the same about women however I believe this is due to social stigma. I've spent most of my life telling myself there was no way I am a lesbian.... that tells you how many times the thought has arisen in my mind. I'm not sure if it was you that posted about societies negative position toward gays, but I think this influence is at play for a lot of us that are questioning.
Hey first of all take a few deep breaths and have a cup of tea. You are being way too hard on yourself. The people at the centre are there to help people that are questioning and if you decide you are not gay then that's fine. I don't have OCD but I do have anxiety and I know that despite the fact I'm openly gay and have a girlfriend if I went to join a new group at a gay centre I would work myself up into a frenzy about it and feel like I wasn't the right kind of lesbian or something and that would be stupid. I don't know how you are usually attracted to people but for me I usually have to get to know them a bit before I feel the attraction so maybe you are a bit like that. Or maybe none of them were your type. I regret to inform you that I'm not optimistic that a light is ever going to beam down from the sky and say you are gay haha although it would be nice.
Not quite (I'm not nearly qualified to make that kind of statement). What I mean is that you don't fully understand WHY you think you're gay. It might be that the idea came to you and OCD took hold and ran with it, but it might also be that at some point your brain just realised that are, it just wasn't necessarily clear at the time WHY. Have you ever been sat there doing nothing in particular and all of a sudden something you where thinking about some time ago, maybe even weeks ago, just clicked in your head and made perfect sense to you? All the time your brain tries to make sense of things even if you aren't paying attention to it. So now imagine for a moment that you had just been sitting there doing nothing when all of a sudden your brain goes "Holy shit, we are SO gay". Now all your life up until that point you've assumed you are straight, been told that being straight is normal and are basically expected to be straight until proven otherwise. So automatically (and this is true for most people who question their sexuality) you start telling yourself you're confused or wrong or whatever. You deny the hell out of it because you're not quite sure where the idea came from. Now in your case, you've just been to a centre with a group of lesbians. You didn't find any of them attractive, and I bet they appeared more confident about their sexuality than you are. So now your brain is looking for extra ammo. It's saying 'look, THOSE are lesbians, now look at all these things that are different about them compared to you'. Doesn't matter that half the things it will come up with wouldn't be true for most of those women it's just the way the brain reacts to things. So now you've got this idea in your head that you're gay, which may or may not be true, but you are now looking for a way to prove yourself wrong. One thing I should point out here, is that there are two ways this usually goes. You get the idea that you're gay and you either 1. Try and prove yourself right 2. Try and prove yourself wrong The problem is, the trying to prove yourself wrong is labelled as 'denial' and makes it sound like you are doing something wrong, or that you are doing it on purpose. Which lets be honest, you're not. You may be coming up with reasons that you aren't gay, but you came here looking for answers, you're not doing it on purpose. If you can, try not to think about the label for now. Whatever happens in the future, you're not going to be straight, or gay or bisexual or anything else, you're just going to be a person who has the potential to find other people attractive. Getting rid of the label means getting rid of all the thoughts you associate with them. You're not thinking 'I like that girls smile so I must be a lesbian' or 'I don't find anyone here attractive so I must be straight' any more. Now it's just 'I like that guys moustache' or 'I want to take that girl how and ride her until one of us dies'. See if you can do that for a bit without worrying about what it 'makes' you.
Actually yes, I am generally the kind of person who needs to get to know someone a little before I'm attracted to them. I have some celebrity crushes who are guys but not many of those either. It's just weird because it's not like the thought that I was gay popped into my head just once for no reason -- then I probably would not have reacted much to it. It's been on and off for years, but of course I can't "prove" it is or isn't OCD, or at least I might not be sure unless I did meet a woman I liked. This morning I got so upset about it I had myself convinced that the only reason I was ever an ally was OCD, and that is stupid and impossible. I don't really feel like the women at the center were trying to judge me, when I think about it consciously. They were very nice. I just still have trouble getting the thoughts out of my head. The thing I don't always talk about is that at one point I was in a homophobic religion, and while in my heart I never bought into that part of it I'm sure it did a number on my brain. I'm not working today so I think I'm going to dedicate it to being calm and enjoying myself. Thank you everyone for the support. I really appreciate it.
No problem. Another thing you can do is wake up one morning and say to yourself today I'm going to allow myself to be gay. I'm going to tell myself I'm gay and that it's ok to be gay. I'm going to check out girls if that's what I want to do. I'm going to let my thoughts wander and fantasize about girls etc, and see how you feel. You don't have to do anything different or force yourself into anything. Just let yourself be. I know it sounds stupid but sometimes it can help.
Silverhalo I like that idea. I'm definitely going to keep it in mind. It's just so weird, because all the happiness and security I felt last weekend is gone. Not only in terms of my orientation but in terms of everything, and I feel worse than I did before. It's not like I actually did think I'd see a light from the sky, heh. And it's not like I thought I would just suddenly say "Oh I'm gay and that's what my problem has been all this time." I mean, I might have thought that but I know better; there's a lot of stuff going on that has nothing to do with what gender I prefer. For now I'm trying to stay calm and be nice to myself. I still have my job, and it's not impossible I will meet someone to be with someday. Sorry for going on and on...
It's cool anytime, if I can help then that's even better. It's not unusual that when one part of your life gets a bit turned upside down that other issues or insecuritirpes pop up. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. You are doing an awesome job.
you're definitely too hard on yourself. anxiety can take alot of forms. try to relax a bit about your sexual identity. it's hard to get a sign if you don't quiet yourself to notice it.
Maybe you don't need to decide right now. Just think of yourself as open-minded. If you meet a woman you like, great. If you meet a man you like, great. The labels in itself don't matter. What matters is what your heart and body desires.
I know I don't need a label. But I do want a label sometimes. Maybe that's the OCD too. Also I don't really have anywhere to meet people but online, and if you're going to do online dating people really want you to have a label. But I'm starting to think that label is just "straight" and to feel really bad about that for no good reason. At least I'm a little calmer than I was last night. Maybe someday I'll have that happy secure feeling back, without the obsessive thoughts about being gay. Thanks for talking to me. This means a lot to me.a
Wanting a label isn't an OCD thing it's a human thing. Unless you are ultra laid back and open. We like to categorise and box everything up so it all fits and has it's place. Unfortunately sometimes that isn't possible. It's also true that even if you are comfortable with no label other people want you have have a label so that they can categorise and store you. It can be a tough sell to some people to say I'm unsure or questioning etc because if they are straight they have never been through that. Perhaps you could go with straight with exceptions which gets across the point that you are feeling at the moment but kind of leaves the door ajar for potential future discoveries. ---------- Post added 23rd Feb 2014 at 04:59 PM ---------- Oh and also feel free to stick around and post even if you decide on straight you are still very welcome.
