1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Unsure of myself

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by qu3stion, Feb 22, 2014.

  1. qu3stion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2014
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hi there,
    I figured I would never be posting on a site like this but here I am. I've been questioning myself. I figure I'm straight but the thought of it has crept into my mind recently.

    I found that justaguy123's thread and situation was similar to mine: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/125182-i-dont-know-who-i-am-anymore.html

    My reasoning is this: I'm a 23 year old virgin, and I've alluded myself into doubt. In the past, I've had massive crushes on girls. Big enough that it's lasted long, alienated friends because it was all I thought about. I know I don't know how to act around women. Most of my friends growing up were dudes and I'm in a male-dominant field of study. In all my past experiences, I've been too scared to ask out girls. Then the friendships became mixed emotions, messed with my head and became disasters. Out of all the girls I've been infatuated with, I've fooled around with two and they both initiated. Here's the kicker, both cheated on their boyfriends with me. I feel overwhelmingly guilty about it. The first one who was the first girl I had kissed as a teenager, I saw three times. We don't talk anymore. The more recent one is the reason why I'm questioning myself.

    Initially, things couldn't work out. I had family issues and was too scared/anxious to make a move. A year or so later, she made the move. We were seeing eachother for about two months after and fooled around substantially. I drew the line at sex because I knew the guilt would be far too much for me to handle. (The first girl's boyfriend was gonna propose to her, they broke up a month or so after I left the picture.) I heavily fantasize about having sex with her. Anyway, so I told the "current" girl that she should choose me or him. She eventually chose him a few weeks ago so in my mind I started to question things. Thoughts like "at this age, you're a virgin and can't get a legitimate relationship. Something is wrong with you" started to come up and that grew into more questioning.

    Personality wise I've been told I'm exceptionally difficult on myself, low self-esteem, I see things apparently black or white. Prone to anxiety and second guessing myself. I'm pretty sure I have OCD and ADD as I have a hard time focusing at all times and have OCD-like tendencies. These thoughts just pop up like a tick, I'll find myself reminded instantly. If I'm sitting and writing something or thinking, saying "I'm", my mind will throw in the phrases "gay", "not gay" and so on depending on how insecure I'm feeling. Add in that I have a perverted sense of humor and it gets tiresome/problematic.

    So these thoughts turned into more along the lines of "if you think you're maybe gay, maybe you should kiss this guy". When these thoughts pop up, I don't feel right. I don't feel any physical attraction and do feel kinda ill. I can understand why a woman would be attracted to that guy in passing though. That's the best way to describe it. I have never been inclined to masturbate to gay porn, it's always been straight. When I do masturbate, I tend to fantasize and my mind tends to float about as well. If my mind wanders and a dude appears to be in what my mind conjures up, I'll begin to lose my erection, arousal and get that same ill feeling. The moment I refocus on a woman, my arousal is usually back and I can finish. When I was with either girl, I would enjoy myself immensely and would just get erections all the time. I had no questioning about attraction. I find I also shamelessly check out women all the time.

    Honestly, beyond all the crap, I do think I'm straight. I do believe this is more of a combination of compulsive thoughts and beating myself up internally. justaguy123's thread helped me come to this conclusion but alas, I'm not feeling more or less better. Just feel like I'm losing my mind. I'd like second opinions on my situation.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. PalestrinaMX

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2013
    Messages:
    159
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Minnesota, USA
    You're not gay. It's definitely OCD. I'm gay, but I also have OCD so I know how annoying those intrusive thoughts can be.

    You just seem to be a guy with good morals and ethics, which is why you passed that opportunity with that girl. It's probably not very common for guys to do that these days (or ever) so which is why you feel out of place or that something is off. You just have to find the right girl who isn't involved with someone else.


    Good luck.