Hi there. I don't know where to start when it comes to explaining my long story (which I want to make short so as not to bore you out). Basically I have always suffered, since I was a child, from very low self-esteem, so much so that as I gew up as a teenager I remember telling myself "I will never have a girl in my life as they'll find me terribly boring". This lasted well into my 24th year of life... I only started fighting that belief then. Since I was young I always also had a fetish for hairy men - in a purely lustful manner. However I resisted ever masturbating to porn involving hyairy guys until I was 17-18 years old (infact, I masturbated at the age the first time) and since then I've been "hooked". In real life, I've rarely felt sexually attracted to such guys, but only rarely. Women on the other hand - I've always been interested in them. However due to my low self-esteem I ound myself repeatedly saying I'll never have a relationship with them. I tried a very naive going out with a girl when I was 16 and it failed after two months. Since then I've felt sexually attracted to gorls - but not so much. I don't find straight porn as exciting as I find gay porn involving hairy men. However in real life I'm romantically attracted to women, but I haven't found girls I'm really mad about. I've fallen in love with 2 women in my life - and it was a real heartbreak when I found out that it wasn't possible to forma relationship with them (both were impossible to go out with - one went for 2 years in the middle of the DRC working as an NGO worker with no internet!). This only served to further my lack of belief in myself and in forming a relationship. I've in fact only made out with a girl once in my life, and I liked it. I was also very drunk. With a guy it never happend - and I can't remember one occasion when I was close to doing so, or felt like doing so in real life. What I fantasise when I'm stressed, though, is another matter - almost hairy men, exclusively. It's very, very confusing. I've been going to a therapist and she thinks it's due to a distant father in my childhood years. I have friends who are gay - and I can't say I'm attracted to such a relationship. However I've seen loving hetersoexual couples who I see as examplary - and something in me says I'd love to experience such a relationship. However seeing I'm very picky, and this confused, I'm not sure what I am. Perhaps I shouldn't label myself. My therapist thinks I'm bisexual, but romantically attracted more to women. I've recently gone out on a few dates with a girl I barely knew. It was fun - we had some nice dates. I tried to get "physical" with her but she wouldn't even hold hands. I remember one occasion when I was really attracted to her sexually - but she didn't reciprocate... mind you I always respected her time. After 5 dates she called it off - turns out she wasn't ready for a relationship. I tried very hard not to blame myself for the relationship - telling myself sometimes there just isn't a spark (and rightly so). However here I am. 28, a virgin, totally confused about my sexuality. I still masturbate to gay porn of the hairy sort almost every day. It is a relief, and afterwards I feel quite empty inside. Occasionally I masturbate to straight pornj and focus on the woman, and it feels good, but I don't get the full kick, so to speak. In real life I find it very hard to find a woman I life. I've fallen in love twice, and by lvoe I mean the sort where you cry your eyes out when you realise it can't work out. But other than that, I feel utterly confused. I'm very lonely on this level. What do you think? Sorry for the "ranting nature of this story - there's a lot more to write about of course, but this is basically it. Afraid to go into a relationshup because I'm afraid of being disappointed. And afraid because I fear that "not being certain" means it might hurt the person I'd go out with. Rarely ever attracted to guys in the real world, and if so only for sex. Rarely attracted to girls - for both romantic and sexual reasons - but most are simply out of my league. In the meantime its this confused limbo. Please help!
