"Oh my god, I think I might be a lesbian."

Fair warning: this will probably be a book.
((It was absolutely a book. I bolded the really important parts if your first thought was, 'Too long, not reading))

Growing up, I loved all the boy things. And the girl things. I'd put my barbies in my monster trucks and I'd make my Polly Pockets go for adventures in the wilderness. In recess, I wanted to play football with the boys, but I wasn't one that fit in. I was ridiculed from a very young age, and the first time I'd heard of anything about the LGBT community, was when I was called a "dyke" in 6th grade. I liked dirt bikes, cargo pants, and sweatshirts. The kids, did not like me.

I then grew to be comfortable in increasingly masculine clothing, cutting my hair short, etc. I know these are the STEREOTYPES I was fitting into, but I wasn't trying to. It was probably just the reason that the go-to insult for me was a word like dyke, or lesbian. Now, I didn't know why I liked dressing this way. I just did. I had a best friend, and we were inseparable for years. I used to get a little jealous if anyone else tried to be as close as we were, and she used to be totally okay with my gender... issues. (Sometimes I got called a boy, sometimes I liked it. I even went by a boy's name for a while, outside of my family.) And despite never having done anything together sexually (we never even kissed), we imagined a life together. She'd be my wife and we'd have a great life. As I got older, I realized I wasn't really trans*, though I still enjoyed dressing androgynously, I grew comfortable with dressing "girly" as well.

Now, the only way I could see being with her at all, was if *I* was a boy. It wouldn't work if we were two girls. It couldn't. The kids at school couldn't be right. Not that this was my conscious train of thought, but I do think it had to do with it. Especially because I started to *hate* girls. I hated them, I hated their voices, I didn't want to be friends with them (except my one girl friend, who I loved very much), I didn't even want to listen to girl singers. I really kind of treated other girls badly. In some ways, I was almost sexist. Looking back, this was a change. When I was younger, still getting teased, but not for the sexuality that had been decided for me, I was very "I am a girl who does whatever, screw your gender roles." But when I started being teased and beat up because someone else decided I liked girls, I started to hate them altogether.

Since then, I've dated three boys. The first one, was very "Do this, do that." Took control sexually, and I just went with it. Didn't particularly love it, but I was new to it so I figured that's just how it went. The second boy, it was always awkward (He was a virgin, and I didn't care about sex). He was in medical school, and I always joked with a friend that it felt more like going to the gynecologist than what I thought sex was supposed to be like. The third guy, I really... I only ever liked what we were doing if I closed my eyes and pretended he was a girl. I just felt.. more comfortable. Around boys I was REALLY shy and REALLY self conscious. I thought I had crushes, and I really did, I was excited to be around them, I just wanted to play video games with them more than I wanted to take their shirt off. It was when we did start having intercourse that the relationship would take a turn for the worse and I started getting depressed. (I only ever actually had sex between all of them a total of 6 times. I dated one for three months, the second for six months, and the third for six months.)

My step-cousin is gay. Other than that, I only know two cousins and neither of them are. He was the only gay one, and he wasn't very well accepted by his family. I've always been into gay rights, and always almost looked up to people who are gay, out and proud. If I imagine being with a girl, I can see it. And it seems happy, not like it's what I'm 'supposed' to do. I have had crushes (I have one now.. and she has a boyfriend, go figure.) on girls, and I've kissed one, and it was great. I've never had intercourse with one, but I'd like to. It's just that the idea of being naked and doing something with a man seems... Like I'm vulnerable. Uncomfortable, there's this feeling in the pit of my stomach like they're doing something I don't want them to do. Imagining with a girl, and I can see it. Kissing her, cuddling, the sex seems a bit daunting, yet interesting. I'd never thought much about going down on a girl considering I'd never entertain even looking at one, and it seems a little.. I don't know if I'd say gross. Just intimidating. But I bet pleasuring her makes it less so. (Ahem!)

Anyway, to wrap up my book... despite thinking about it, and dancing around the idea for years, I had never thought *I* could be gay. And I actually had a moment where I was thinking, and I went, "Holy sh*t. I might be a lesbian." And I sat there in shock for about five minutes before I started bawling my eyes out, because I didn't want to be gay. And I didn't have anyone to talk about it with, and now I'm scared, because what if I'm wrong? What if I'm right? Will I know "for sure" until I am with a girl sexually? But if I am, so many things seem to make sense.. and after I had a cry and thought about it for a while, despite being scared, I was happy.. like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I'm still not sure, and I know it's fluid, and no one can tell me, but I'd love your input.

I'm terribly sorry about the book. Thank you so much for reading.

 

Well, it certainly won't be better if I try so hard I just grab the nearest one and it's wrong. But it's not like I'm desperately looking to define myself. I mean, with gender, I am a girl, but if people refer to me as or call me a guy, I don't care. So I guess I'm fluid with that? I mean, whatever people see me as, I'm fine with it. Whatever pronouns, no pronouns, it doesn't matter. As for orientation, this is something I've been thinking about and struggling with for years. I'm not just in need of a sticker that says exactly what I am. But I would like to be able to know eventually. I think in a way, labels are a bit of security. Knowing what you are. If I took on a label, it isn't permanent. If I identified as a lesbian for 30 years and fall in love with a man, well then I fell in love with a man. It's not something I think you should use to keep yourself from anything, but I do feel it's nice to just.. know. Have some stability in it, in a way.

 

After the first guy, there were some circumstances I was focused on more than really my sexuality. (The before-mentioned friend ended up with him, and I was more upset about losing her than him.) So I suppose I'll base it off the second, longer relationship. I don't know if I questioned guys as a whole at that point, but I was starting to question my complete lack of interest in sexual relations with one. I only ever dated very small, feminine guys. By the third, I tried everything to make it work, to make myself interested, and to make myself "into" it. Which, the only thing that worked, was pretending he was somebody else. At first, I had wondered if it was just THAT guy I wasn't into. Then I'd struck out twice? Alright, three times? Then I tried.. well, fantasizing about different situations, and it was the ones with girls that had well, worked. (I've even had some dreams involving girls.)

I suppose if I dated a girl, and it went badly, I'd just try another girl. Perhaps it was just the wrong girl, you know? I didn't include her, (it lasted about two weeks), but I'd gone to a dance with a guy who refused to dance with me (and I really had no interest in.. we went as friends), and two girls came up to me and danced, they were friends, and I got their numbers. I ended up dating one of them (Like I said, for two weeks. It was 10th grade and technically, I wasn't 'allowed' to date yet.) We hung out, only kissed, but I was really into it. I mean, she was cute as hell. But I was into it, and that scared me. And I was scared that she was calling me so much (to talk on the phone because she liked me, understandable) and I couldn't explain to my parents why suddenly this girl I'd met was so obsessed with talking to me. She was a little clingy, and I was a lot scared about my parents even suspecting, so I basically ran away. (We've talked since then, as adults, and we apologized/caught up and whatnot) But that being said, despite having being scared, I had liked it.

Hahaha, I suppose that is a good point! But it is, or at least it was for me, that you just be with a guy, so I just, naturally assumed that my closeness with any girls would be friendship and I was just supposed to date guys. (Although funny story: when I was about 5 or 6, I had a best friend named Kelly of whom I looked at and said, "Why do we have to marry a guy? I'd rather marry you. I think it's stupid that it's illegal." Obviously I didn't understand sexual attraction or anything, I just think it's ironic.)