Hey EC community, I'm in need of some advice. I'm a lady in my mid-twenties and started seeing a therapist a few months ago when I moved to a new city to start a new job. My therapist is amazing and has helped me realize due to a number of factors that, while I began officially identifying as bisexual in college, I'm actually really quite gay. (Sorry if I'm being a bit cavalier but I need to diffuse some of the tension so I can actively talk about it.) While I've exclusively dated men in the past, I've had sexual encounters with both men and women, taking far more enjoyment out of the encounters with women. I walked out after our session was over the other day and my head was reeling, because we'd finally gotten to the point where Doc broached the possibility of my being gay rather than simply bisexual. In part, I felt like crying for joy because I had never allowed myself to think about it as such before, and in part I was terrified. I've been ruminating on it since our discussion, and the more I let myself think it the more I'm certain it's right. It saddens me some because I keep wheeling back and forth between accepting and embracing it, and denying it like I've been doing for the last however many years. I can barely say the words out loud in the privacy of my apartment. So I guess what I want to know is: do you have any advice for how to hop the acceptance train? Any ideas or recommendations for other ways to explore the gay community? How about membership cards? Is anybody on that yet? While I still doubt myself - I have this immense fear that if and when I do come out people will accuse me of lying or faking it since they either think I'm totally straight (like my parents) or bisexual (my friends) - I'm also incredibly happy to have a clearer view of myself than I've ever had before. I think I'm rambling at this point so I'll just cut myself off now. Thanks in advance for any help you may offer, or for reading this at all.
" do you have any advice for how to hop the acceptance train?" Your first step is to take a step back. You've just discovered something about yourself and immediately you've made the same mistake we all make. You thought about what other people will say! It's probably one of the hardest things to do, I think, during the acceptance phase. (I should point out here, that coming out about my sexuality was easy for me because I only told my parents and I was basically sure they would be fine about it. But all the things I am talking about definitely came up when I had to consider my gender!) Back when I started to question everything I spent ages beating myself up (sometimes literally) about what other people would say. Especially the people that mean most to me. All the achieved was I was left feeling really crappy and still not knowing what was going on. It actually took my Dad to put that at ease. When I told him about my sexuality, I asked him what he thought his parents would say. We are really close and I was worried the wouldn't approve or something. He just said "They'll just have to deal with it". He doesn't know how much that helped me, because it made me realise that actually I had to think about myself for a bit and other people just had to deal with that, because it isn't something I can change. Same goes for you. You've just started to accept this part of you, don't let other people get in the way of that for now!
Ellia Otaku: You know, I hadn't even realized I was focusing on other people until you pointed it out. And you are, of course, absolutely correct. I should only be concerned with myself, not worrying about hypothetical reactions waaay in the future. Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your story and for offering some great advice.
The acceptance phase is different for everyone. Luckily all my friends support gay rights...and so does most of my college. I'm in the animation industry which is very accepting of LGBT people. I was nervous about coming out but it felt good and glad everyone supports me. We all find camaraderie in being misfits anyways. Everyone has their circle and group of friends, but there are no social ladder "cliques" and everyone is friends with each other regardless. That being said, my parents are different. Both are conservative, but I would consider my dad to be much more accepting and liberal. My mom however is so set in her ways and is a Rush Limbaugh Fox News groupie. She is fine with gay people, but she's one of those people who is against gay marriage anyways and thinks they have an over-sexualized "lifestyle." It will be hard to tell them but I'm in no rush. Not like they can kick me out, as I'm on my own, but I still want them to accept me and not "disown" me. Some of my extended family are bigots, particularly my grandfather. My great aunt has a gay son and is very tolerant, however. I came out to my sister who is very accepting and has many gay friends that are close to her so she knows what they go through. I haven't been out and about in the gay community yet, busy at college, but once I do I will probably experience the backlash and hate other people have for LGBT folk. Even in tolerant areas like Canada and Connecticut, homophobes still roam. I hid my sexuality for 11 years. I've been with a few guys while I pretended to be straight, and it felt so wrong for me. I was not romantically or sexually attracted to any of them and the thought of heterosexual sex repulsed me. I denied sex to my last boyfriend who begged for it a lot. I felt uncomfortable making out with a guy. I wanted to pull away but stuck with it so he wouldn't feel so bad. I decided to stop dating and I identified as asexual because that was easier than saying I was gay. Earlier in high school I told a few friends I was bi because that was easier than being gay. When I accepted that I was gay, I couldn't stop smiling that day. It felt good to finally embrace it. I could go out and date girls and eventually find "the one" I'll share my life with. I'm craving cuddling with one super bad, haha. I too wonder if my parents find out, they'll accuse me of lying too, because of the couple guys I dated. It's hard to say I used the last boyfriend for alcohol and drugs when I was underage...but I can probably just say I was lonely and needed a pal for that year off after high school I took, but I never had sex and didn't like getting intimate with him. And that's the truth, too. They already knew me as someone who was more independent and they will not getting any grandkids from me, which they're fine with, they don't care. But accepting I'll be with another woman and possibly marry one? I want them at my wedding, I love them, so I hope they accept it when the time comes to find out. Sorry for the ramble, haha! Try and find some LGBT groups in your area like PFLAG (they encourage LGBT folk to go to meetings, not just parents and friends) and meet other people going through the same thing...just look up some LGBT groups I guess haha. I will be doing that soon, too. I wanna talk to other LGBT people and make friends, it's hard to find gay girls sometimes haha. Good luck though! Figuring out your sexuality can be a load of bull sometimes.
Beetle: Rambling is accepted and appreciated! Haha. Thanks for sharing so much of your own story with me. I'm in the art industry as well, and it does tend to be very welcoming from what I've experienced. I have conservative parents too, and while I know they'll always love me I'm not sure they'd be able to accept it. On top of that my extended family is -HUGE- and full of all kinds of big, intimidating personalities, so it seems incredibly daunting. I've been looking into groups and will hopefully find one soon that meets my needs. Thanks for your support!
