It probably isn't HOCD. Maybe it's just "being straight."

I don't think I actually have HOCD. I keep reading about it and I'm reading about people who are straight and start obessively doubting it without cause and hate the idea of being gay. (Or gay people obessively doubting they're gay.) There's nothing about "straight people who believe they're not straight without cause and really like the idea and take the ball and run with it." I guess that's more called "wanting to take an identity that isn't yours because it makes you feel special" or something. I mean it's offensive to people who really struggled to come out to sit here saying "Damn, I really hate that I turned out to be straight."

There is apparently another form of HOCD where the main fear the person has is that they will never really know their sexuality for sure, and that sounds more like me, but I haven't found any information about it and what I'm fearing right now is that I'm straight... except I am.

But the main problem I'm having is that I hate the idea that I went to the Gay and Lesbian center and the lesbian bar and fooled myself that I was there for a good reason when really I was just a straight person with OCD who didn't belong.

I went to my therapist today and part of me (OK most of me) was really hoping she'd argue with me and tell me I wasn't straight or that it wasn't OCD, but she didn't, probably because she's a good therapist. She said we can explore what I was trying to get out of the groups, but I just want to curl up in a ball and pretend I never went there because I feel sick to my stomach about it. I mean, I went a lot over the years, not just a couple of times. I know there's no real harm done but I still feel sick about it. Probably what I wanted to get out of the groups was a feeling of community, but I never had that because inside I knew I didn't belong. So I should have stopped but I didn't.

I know that last thing I should be doing is trying to look up what's wrong with me on the internet, because it only feeds into the obsessive thoughts. And I probably shouldn't be posting here either -- not because I'm straight, but because clearly this is an issue I personally need to let go of. But I feel very lost and alone right now. And even if it's the wrong thing to do for my OCD I do feel better right now that I typed this up.

 

It's not that I really think the people I met would be angry if they knew I was only questioning, especially since they usually did know and they didn't mind. But it was a big deal to me to go to the Center and go to groups, I may not have been completely comfortable but I thought that was just nerves. I felt like I could have a new identity and instead it was just my brain acting up.

(It doesn't help that I never had good sex with men. I don't mean that's a good reason for someone to think they're gay. But somehow I couldn't help thinking "Maybe there's nothing wrong with me; it's just that I don't go for guys." But... maybe there's something wrong with me after all.)

I still doubt it and wonder if I'm really straight, but I should probably just stop thinking about it.

But thank you for reading and commenting -- I appreciate it.