I KNOW I'm pansexual. It's the only thing that fits. I'm still uncomfortable for some reason with admitting it to myself. This makes me feel really bad and fake but it's so hard to accept it when I like a girl. It feels like something I shouldn't be doing because of years of brainwashing. My family would be disgusted. I've had a hard time letting myself have feelings towards girls I like the same way I do when it's a guy. There's a girl now that I've liked for a while and after talking to her today I finally realized that I really really like her. This is honestly the first time my attraction to a girl has been serious. Usually it's like 'she's attractive and interesting but I don't want to deal with my family'. That's usually my excuse and it's usually enough to keep me thinking like I'm straight which is SOO annoying because I'm SOO not straight and it ends up being this circle of self-hate and guilt (that makes it sound a lot worse than it is btw). I would really like to be with her if she feels the same as I do but it's a really scary idea. I love my family and I'm super open with them about everything except the things I know they'll judge me for. I go to them for dating advice. I wouldn't be able to with this one and that scares me. I don't want that to stop me though. Any advice is welcome!
Now to be clear. Bisexual means boys & girls, pansexual means everything on the spectrum including pre-ops, and other members of the transgender community. You never know your allies until you test the waters! Maybe joke to your family about this first?
Yes I'm fully aware of the definitions of the words. Just trust me, if I suggested me being in a homosexual relationship they would be horrified. Maybe not all but most would.
Let me I ask you some questions: Your accepting is influenced by your family? Do you have trouble accepting being in a homosexual relationship because YOU don't want to be in an one or only because your family doesn't like this?
I'm really not sure. I do plenty of things they'd freak out over no problem. They have no idea I'm a faithful Wiccan and not Catholic like they'd want. I'm comfortable with that. I THOUGHT I was comfortable with being attracted to women but this is the first time I've found one that I'd want to be in a serious relationship with. It took me maybe 3 months to admit to myself how much I like her and then the other day we had a nice conversation and it hit me. I really really like this girl. And then I started freaking out. I know she likes women so that's certainly not the issue. I would really like to be able to talk to my mom about this. I usually talk to her about boys. She'd freak out about this one just because it's a girl. Even so I don't understand why I'm so freaked out about the feelings themselves. A friend suggested it's uncharted territory.
