Hey there, I found this website a while back, but was too nervous to actually make an account or ask for help, but here I am now. I'm a 22yr old student in New England and have been questioning sexuality for a while and I'm not sure what I am or what to do, and have been kinda freaking out about it for a while. So I'm in a Frat and part of being in one comes with the parties and the sorority girls and the random hook ups, which in theory sounded great to me until I realized I just wasn't feeling it, ever. I only had my "first kiss" last spring, and was terrified to because I never felt anything for any girls, or anyone for that matter, and was afraid to make out with a girl just to find that I don't like it or whatever, because in my mind that would mean I was gay which just couldn't happen. So it finally happened, and I just felt nothing....and same with other girls I made out with (I never went further, because I didn't want to lead on)...kissing/grinding, neither turned me on and then I started to get nervous. I've always looked at other guys, more so in college I would say. I would look at guys and think wow, he's really good looking....I wish I could have that chin/eyes/biceps etc, so I figured thats all it was. Then over the summer, I worked in a restaurant/hotel that was known for the crazy amounts of weddings they do, and found my self looking at the guys coming through all dressed up, and getting really turned on. At this point I was really nervous, and anxious and talked to a close friend (who came out a couple of semesters before) about advice, and he tried to help but didn't really know how. Towards the end of the summer, I decided I wanted to try to experiment a bit. So, I tried ######, ******, sruff the usuals, and had a fun time flirting and checking out other guys, but was always too afraid to actually act on any thing. I started to think maybe, I'm just not a hook up person and am more of a relationship guy. So I trie ******* and met a guy on there, and got to talking and decided to go out on a date. Not going to bore with details, but we went to a few different places and then ended back up in my place cuddling, occasional make out etc. The date overall went pretty well, I think. However, there was a part where we were in a little dessert shop and it was a very very obvious date...which made me extremely uncomfortable. Also a few weeks before that I went to a couple of gay bars, but just was lost as to what to do there haha. Next few days we were texting but then I suddenly just wan't into it anymore, and we stopped talking and I freaked and got rid of all the apps I have...also fearful that other people I know would find me on ###### or something.. I went a few months and didn't really think about guys or girls, nothing. And then I just started thinking about it again, and checking out guys again and freaking out again. Right now It seems I'm more sexually attracted to guys and would rather make out/cuddle/have sex with them. But the thought of a romantic relationship with another guys freaks me out. Where as its the vice versa with a girl. I'm coming here because I really need advice/support. I don't know what I am or what to do. And I'm sick of getting so anxious and upset about it. I just want to figure it out. -Bro
Well, romantic and sexual orientation are two different things. It is possible to be romantically and/or sexually attracted to one gender but not the other, and vice versa. So it sounds like you're homosexual/hetero-romantic, but don't focus too much on labeling yourself unless you really feel that you need to. The labels are just a starting point. If you know what you like, that's what matters. It's quite possible that a label doesn't exist that fits you. So don't stress too much over it, because that'll just make it worse. Plus, it sounds to me like you've already got things figured out, and you just need to get past the mental impasse and stop freaking out about it. Don't worry about being sexually attracted to guys, either. It's nothing to be freaked out about. Nor is wanting a relationship with a woman. Finding a way to fit both can be kind of difficult, but there's people who have agreements and make it work.
Thanks for the response! I didn't even know that there was Hetero/bi/homo romantic, I thought everything was under orientation. I don't know where to go from here or how to stop freaking out about it. Labels typically help me out, but I think I'm just nervous to be sexually attracted to guys, or to even admit it. Trying to make both, the romantic attraction and the sexual attraction work seems tough, how could that even work? I think I want to experiment more as well, but it's hard to admit it to myself. Any advice as to how to stop being afraid or nervous about being gay? -Bro
If you can accept yourself it will be easier for others to accept you. Work on accepting yourself, you are you and thats never going to change so work with what ya got. Gaining self confidence will help you to express your desires to others and make it easier for you to obtain your goals.
Hi, I'm in a sorority, so I know how tough it can be to be questioning your sexuality while in Greek Life. It's great that you're going for new experiences, and like others said it seems like self acceptance- especially openly- takes time. Sending good thoughts your way!
to me it sounds like you get aroused sexually with guys and with women you do not get aroused sexually. with women you feel safe and feel like you could have a relationship with them but the physical part you are unsure about. with guys you get nervous about the idea of an emotional relationship with them, but the thought of a physical one kinda turns you on. bottom line is that you do not need to label yourself right now. you just need to see what you like and what you do not like. not to be blunt, but if you're penis is getting excited by men, then your body is saying you like men. that does not mean you cannot like women or that you are "GAY". try and stay away from the labels as they only will play head games with you. my assessment is that you want to explore physically being with a guy but you cannot deal with what the mean in terms of a relationship with the guy cuz that means you will have to deal with identifying with a "gay" label and all the hang ups that bring to your current way of life and how people perceive you.
Ellis: how do you handle it being in a sorority? I think my frat brothers wouldn't have an issue, from what I've seen of my little coming out....but at the same time it makes it harder for me to accept it, because Idk how they'll take it. I do need to work on self acceptance, big time....and I would welcome any advice/strategies as to how to work towards it. Pretty lonely: you hit the nail on the head for the most part, especially in your last paragraph. The labels are playing head games because I don't know what to do to move forward. Should I just experiment with both even if I'm not super interested in one side? Or try to get into a relationship with a girl just to see? You were blunt but were right, I am turned on big time with guys. I just don't know where to go from here.
