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ocd or.....

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by dan89, Feb 27, 2014.

  1. dan89

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    Hi, After many months reading forums about the wrongly named H(OCD) and reading many from this site, i have finally built the courage to post on here and find out what the gay community think.
    To start i have actually been diagnosed with OCD and had quite a few obsessions and take medication for it so there is no doubt in my mind i have it, the doubt i have is whether or not the obsession is real or not, as it feels so real.
    So heres my story, from a young age i was always attracted to females, Then when i got into my early teens i became very sexual, had a few serious relationships and fooled around with plenty of females. I used to have a stash of porn mags and the stories used to turn me on something major, then one day before my 18th i woke up with the thoughts your're gay, repeatedly, over and over again, even though i had no attractions to men, it was just the words your're gay, this lasted months, the anxiety was crippling, i couldnt get out of bed, i came out to my family, in tears. then it slowly started to lose its grip and i thought i was cured,
    Then i moved to thailand and met a girl whom i loved, the only thing was, i was now kind of an asexual, i liked sex but not like i used to, sometimes felt like a chore, Then after years i was finally happy, Then the thought came back but this time i felt attracted to a few males, it was nothing like my previous attractions to women, it was never sexual or attraction to their bodies it was just to faces. This then caused me to be suicidal, i was crippled again, having all the routine thoughts, if you are reading this im sure you have read other HOCD symptoms which are all relative to mine, this lasted months again, then it all went away, the attraction, the thoughts. I lost the girl in the end and being in thailand i did what most people do, they sleep around, i mean alot, one month i slept with over 30 females, i then had 3 girlfriends at one time, but i was still asexual, it felt right and i enjoyed their company but the sex was meh,
    3 years later i finally meet the girl of my dreams i mean, absolute perfection, i was so happy, we travel around the world together for 6 months but i was still asexual the love i had for her was true, then the thoughts came back, this time worse than ever its been 3 months and i just cant work out whats real anymore, it feels more like a realization that i am and always have been snce the 1st time i woke up at 17 gay, but i just cant accept it, i feel attracted to every guys face on tv, No joke i watched a film today and felt attracted to george bush and bin laden, which engulfs me in anxiety to the degree i cant function, i do all the regular things, i go on evry type of gay porn about 10 times aday in the hope i get arroused just so i have an answer but i dont, i look at pictures of mens bodies to see if i get arroused but i dont, but straight porn isnt doing it for me either, i try fantasising about men but i cant,i get relief but then i feel attracted to another guys face and feel nothing for women and the cycle starts again, i now find my male friends who i have know for my entire life attractive, ones i have slept in bed with and never thought about them in that way, i feels like i have turned gay, i have lost all fight in thinking i am straight, why can i not accept these attractions or enjoy them? I have come out to my dad and mum again, i even came out to my girlfriend broke it off with her but 5 minutes later i called her up saying im sorry and she took me back, i have told her everyhting and now she lives in canada so we talk about this alot, she is very understanding as she suffers a serious case of ocd herself
    I have just read this through and it sounds like im trying to convince people i am not gay, that is not the case, it is just my story, I dont really know what im asking it just helps writing this out, I guess what im trying to get at is how powerful is denial and is it possible to repress my attraction then repress again and again? and can one turn gay because i know full well i wasnt and it really pisses me off when i hear i was born this way because i know i wasnt, im not denying im gay because at times im pretty sure i am but then loop back to saying im not, i feel like my OCD wont let me accept who i truely am, i really like gay people i have gay friends and family members, some of my favourite people on tv are gay so i have nothing to fear im just so confused, Has anyone ever turned gay, oh i should say im 25 now.
    sorry for the long message
     
  2. III

    III
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    You're straight.
     
  3. dan89

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    hey, im not looking for reasurance, i need help, it feels weird being with women now, i dont notice them, think about them, im questionig the love i have for my gf, can i have repressed this?
     
  4. Beantown

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    I thought ocd was suppose to be more prissy than this, also what do you think you repressed?
     
  5. taobroin

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    Based on everything you've written - IMO - You're Heterosexual. The H(OCD) - it seems to me - is what you're really suffering with - I have a pure O form of OCD (I'm obsessive/compulsive) and do understand how hard it is to deal with it, and the distress and anxiety that comes with it. No - no one just 'turns gay'. One can suppress it to a degree, and change 'behavior' for a period of time, but it will always resurface. My advice, take a few conscious breaths, calm down and continue working in therapy, and do everything your therapist suggests to get relief. Good luck Dan.

    ---------- Post added 28th Feb 2014 at 07:03 AM ----------

    What does that even mean? OCD is a debilitating mental disorder. What's 'prissy' about it?
     
  6. dan89

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    hey man thanks for your reply, i wish i could calm down lol, life would be easier. I always considered myself straight but the fact im finding men attractive now and not women bothers me to no end. I know feel like im tying to prove i am gay. these attractions i have now came the last time i spiked about 3-4 years ago then went, so thats what im asking could they be related to the ocd or the ocd helped me suppress them? surely if i had supressed i would still have known that i was gay right? or would i have blocked it all out?
    Man OCD is a bitch right,
     
  7. Ettina

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    From what I understand, not knowing you're gay isn't not feeling the feelings, but rather not identifying them for what they are.

    When I was younger, I used to have pseudo-crushes. I was not actually sexually attracted to those guys, I actually just liked their appearance or personality in a non-sexual way, but I convinced myself those were sexual feelings.

    I know a lesbian who did the exact same thing, and also the reverse - she convinced herself she just wanted to be friends when she was actually attracted to a girl.

    In your case, it sounds like you don't actually have a sexual reaction to guys - what you have is the repetitive thought that you're gay. If that's so, that would be more OCD than sexual orientation.
     
  8. dan89

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    yeah i wouldnt say its sexual, but im not sure to be honest, its the fact that i have felt asexual for many years thats now come in to question, as i have read that could mean repressed sexual orientation
     
  9. taobroin

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    Yes it is a bitch for sure. Life's tough enough sometimes. I suggest that only a qualified therapist can help you discover and become comfortable with the answers you're looking for. I honestly think you also need to consider that some of what's going on is internalized homophobia too. There's nothing wrong with being str8 and being able to look at a guy and find him attractive. I am 100% gay, but can also look at a woman and say - wow - she's a beautiful woman! (that doesn't make me str8, or question my sexuality). ;-) yeah be calm - perhaps do consider meditation -it can help! :slight_smile:
     
  10. dan89

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    i can promise you there is no internalized homophobia in me. its just not something that appeals to me,

    ---------- Post added 28th Feb 2014 at 06:15 PM ----------

    but it now feels like i am attracted to men way much more than to women
     
  11. dan89

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    im just not sure if the obsession is fueling the attraction or the attraction is fueling the obsession
     
  12. ASM

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    I know what you are going through. I myself have OCD and a couple of years ago a couple of my friends gave me shit saying I was gay. Since then I can not get it out of my head, and now that my friends think I am gay I have to play the part which I know is crazy but I cant help it. I think about it every single time I leave my house. It feels like every person thinks I am gay . I know exactly what you mean about seeing an attractive guy and thinking "thats a good looking guy" but not desiring them sexually. I have tried to convince myself that I am gay even though I dont have sexual desires for guys. The time and energy I spend thinking, debating, wondering, questioning, has made me exhausted to the point where I have stopped hanging out with friends and have started to isolate myself from other. I dont know if i can offer useful advice (because my head is fucked up) but just know that you are not alone. Stay strong buddy.
     
  13. dan89

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    ah mate, i feel for you, that predicament you are in sounds terrible, so hold up do you have sexual desires for women? I often think cancer would be better than OCD then atleast i can fight for something, right now i have no idea what im fighting....