Some background here: I have only been in one relationship with a man, it lasted 7 years. There were other issues, but for him the main reason why he broke up with me was because of my lack of interest in sex. Before you judge him being a jerk, I have to tell you that he is not. He is a very loving person who was ready to fight the conservative society we live in for me, and considering that we live in a very religious country it is a very brave thing to do for love. He lost confidence in himself and felt unattractive because of me. It was that bad for him and he got depressed. That is why I have came to terms with our breakup even though I still care a great deal about him, I know I can't make him happy so the best thing I could do for him was to let him go. People have their needs, especially men. He seems happier now with his new boyfriend. I have tried dating again but I got stressed out because of the potential of sex ruining everything for me. I've tried online dating sites and apps just to be annoyed because people keep sending me messages with sexual innuendo. Sometimes I loathe the general gay scene that put so much weight in sex. It's not that I am totally averse to sex, I just see it as a chore. Damn, this is such a long story, I am sorry for this. Bottom line is, is there any way for me to be happy? Will I ever find someone who I can build a harmonious relationship with when my idea of a perfect date is to hold hands and cuddle? How and where can I meet someone who'd understand my situation?
There are asexual people in relationships, so yes, you can have a relationship without being interested in sex. However, it tends to work best if both partners have a similar level of sexual interest.
Firstly, everyone in relationships have desires. It's totally okay for someone to want sex in a relationship, just like it's okay for someone to want it less or not at all. I don't think your ex was a jerk. Secondly, there is an entire network of asexuals, demisexuals, and gray-As that you might be able to relate to. People who identify in the ace spectrum: don't feel sexual attraction to others, don't desire sex, rarely desire/feel attraction, or require an emotional bond to form before feeling attraction. Also, asexuals may or may not experience romantic attraction. Some are heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, or aromantic. Try doing some personal research about this, and maybe attend some ace meetups or social groups in your area. There are certainly plenty of people who feel similarly and I think the asexual community would be a great resource. There are always ways to be happy! Even if you're single, you can still absolutely feel happy. I hope this helps!
its nothing wrong with cuddling and holding hands. heck i could do this with no problem. that's all i am ready for. all i need. but at some point, i am going to want sex. maybe in a year. i dont know. it's not important to me. but why do you not want sex. why is a chore? does it hurt? is it too much work to do it? do you hate and find it digusting? do you think you are a sinner for doing it and that's why you do not want to do it? we need more information why you do not want to to the mattress mambo? Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it...
Although you are not averse to sex, you say you find it a "chore" and that's really sad as it should be anything but. Have you always felt this way? Ironing is a chore, washing dishes is a chore, but sex shouldn't be. I understand that there is an over-emphasis on casual sex amongst some gay men, and in some respects that's rather unfortunate. Sex is (or should be) a very special thing. Physical intimacy brings people together in a very special way and can help to cement a loving, long-term relationship. Of course, sex takes many forms. Some people will only do certain things during sex; for example, some gay men will never have anal intercourse and amongst those that do, some will only perform a top/bottom role. Some are happier with oral sex and mutual masturbation with a partner. Are all methods difficult for you? I'm not saying it's not okay to have a lack of interest in sex, but it does seem to be causing you issues in meeting new people. If the lack of interest can be overcome in some way it may broaden your options. Even so, there is nothing wrong with wanting to get to know a person before going 'to bed' with them.
I have this thinking that partners don't necessarily need to be on a similar level of sexual interest, as long as they have a mutual understanding. Am I wrong? It surely does help! I feel better after reading what you wrote about the wide variety of sexuality. It makes me feel less... lonely. Thanks! The thing is I live in a largely conservative country, we don't really have the luxury of such community :icon_sad: I... don't really know how to answer your questions. I am not disgusted by sex, and I am no longer religious so I don't really care about sin anymore. But yes, it hurt when I'm receiving. Yes, I found it to be tiring when I played the active role. But from what I know, other people feel the same thing but they are loving it nevertheless. I hope it's ok to be a bit graphic. As I mentioned above, it hurts bad when I bottom (to the point that my ex said he felt like he was raping me) and as a result we never really got far. When I top, I get tired and bored pretty fast and it really shows (this drove my ex to be insecure about his looks). The same thing with oral sex and mutual masturbation. I like the idea, but not so much when I'm actually doing it. I'm sorry that my only examples are the ones from my previous relationship because I've only been with one man. I have tried it off with a few of others but it never got far because I always get freaked out. I still feel guilty toward them because these are people who were genuinely interested in me, not just some random hookups (because obviously I'm not up for random hookups).
It's perfectly okay to not have an interest in sex. It seems to be pretty common knowledge (at least in the LGBT+ community) that people can't choose their sexuality and that's the same when it comes to the ace spectrum. It is true that finding a partner can be a bit more difficult for someone who does not desire sex, but that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with the person. I don't think it's "sad" for someone to not want sex. People have different desires and I don't think that the simple fact that your desires are different is a bad thing. Not desiring sex isn't "sad," it's just less common. You are not wrong. Even if the partners aren't on a similar level of sexual interest, relationships can work as long as their is mutual understanding. I think what Ettina was trying to say was that it would be easier if both partners were on a similar level of sexual interest. If one partner does not desire sex and the other feels that it is important to a relationship, it can cause difficulties. For example, if the partner that doesn't desire sex refuses to have sex then the other partner might (and likely will) feel frustrated and insecure. But if the partner that does desire sex insists upon it then it will most likely make the other partner feel uncomfortable or upset. In order for a relationship like this to work, both sides would have to be willing to understand the other's point of view and make compromises. This is something that many asexuals (and other people on the ace spectrum) experience. Some asexuals like the idea of sex or like to fantasize about it, but actually trying to act out their fantasies with another person repulses them. From what you have described, it sounds similar to a lot of things I have heard from asexual people. You might want to do some research on the ace spectrum and see if you think you identify with it.
Soaring, thank you fr telling me about the ace spectrum. I couldn't really relate to the word asexuality as I don't see myself as an actual asexual, but I can see now that I might fit in that grey area.
It is completely ok! It is not wrong to not desire sex, and there are many positive things to abstinence. Like no risk of STDs, no hurt body/feelings due to sex, and so on. You also save a whole lot of time that you can spend doing something else There are whole lot of people who don't have sex, or only have it very infrequently... Granted, most people seem to do it more when they are in the beginning of a relationship, but among older couples, I've heard something like one in five couples are almost completely without sex (married straight people). This is usually portrayed in media negatively, but who says people can't be happy in a relationship without sex? Sure, not everybody can, but many do. I know I can, and I'm not asexual. I think the most important things in relationship are friendship, partnership and generally having good time together. Intimacy can be other things than sex. Like cuddling and being emotionally close. Those can be more fulfilling than sex. Sure, sex can feel nice but as you mentioned it often also involves less nice aspects like pain and tiredness. I strongly object to the idea of sex somehow being some kind of "ultimate pleasure of life". It is easy to notice by reading some online forums that sex causes a lot of problems. Much more than many other pleasures in life, like cuddling, good music, nice food, you-name-it I've never heard anyone complaining that cuddling hurts, or that they got ill from doing it... Sure enough, finding a partner can prove harder, but it shouldn't be impossible. I really wish you find someone you match with I agree with Soaring that not desiring sex isn't sad! Because it isn't. Feeling pressured to have sex is.
