I don't really have any aspirations for relationships in my life because I know that I'm never going to be a convincing looking guy but I am questioning my orientation again and for my own peace of mind, I would just like some answers. Ever since I was young I thought I was a lesbian but then in the process of coming to terms with this, I realised I was trans. During this realisation I had some doubts about my orientation thinking I could be bisexual but mainly attracted to women. Then I realised that although I can find a man attractive, I don't desire the male body at all in that way so I identified as a straight trans male. Although I am definitely still attracted to women, I feel like I am going off them in a big way for two reasons. Firstly I find the idea of me being in a 'straight' relationship weird and makes me feel pressured to conform to society's concept of what a man should be. It makes me feel like I need to be more manly which doesn't sit comfortably with me at the moment. Perhaps it will in time but for now, thinking about being 'the guy' with a girl makes me feel I'm not male enough and have to adjust to become what a woman wants (although I feel I will never match up to that being a trans guy). Secondly, the idea of being in a relationship with a woman is a big dysphoria trigger because I'm so used to this squirming feeling when I have been in a group of women and feel so out of place. They are a constant reminder of the body I do have and the gender that society sees me as and to which I 'should' belong. The thing that is scaring me the most though is that I am beginning to feel unsure about my friendship with a male friend. There is no way I want this to lead to anything and I definitely don't get the idea he does either but I am scared about my feelings towards him. I don't feel physically attracted to him because like I said I don't desire the male body but it is starting to feel scary. I haven't had many close friendships in my life so I am at a bit of a loss when it comes to knowing how a close friendship should feel. I would say I am not attracted to the gender he is but I do feel an emotional connection to the person he is. What does this mean? Am I attracted to him? I'm really confused
Trans sexuality can be complex, ESPECIALLY when you're feeling how you are at the moment. So in my case, I knew I was pansexual before I knew I was trans. At the time, I was pretty sure I was still more keen on girls physically and would be far more likely to be in a relationship with a girl and this continued for a while after I realised my gender. As time went on, I started to change that view. Every time I thought about being in a lesbian relationship, I would think about how it would feel like I was supposed to be a guy instead. This mainly came around when I thought about sex. With clothes on, I feel female. Without clothes on I look completely unpleasantly male. So what happens when it got to sex? I would feel like a guy and I would hate that! So now I am leaning more and more towards guys. It's really confusing when you're not able to feel confident in your own skin. As for your friend, had you considered that it COULD be that you just feel a closer connection to him the more you see yourself as male?
You could be right and actually by realising I'm now a guy it means I will feel a closer connection to guys. I hadn't thought of it that way before. Before I knew I was trans I felt a closer connection to girls so yeah that makes sense. To be honest I think I'm also thinking that being in a relationship with a woman will feel awful because I'll never be as good as a cis guy so I've already given up hope. I'm not saying I would turn to men because unless I have a dramatic change of orientation, that won't happen but what would make me feel worse than thinking of being in a relationship with a woman when I don't have the right body, I'll never feel good enough and will be forever thinking she would leave me for a real man :-/
I won't lie, I worry about the same thing in regard to relationships, BUT you can't let yourself think that way. You can't, because SOMEONE out there, won't care about what's between your legs. Hopefully lots of people won't care. If you think about it this way, the only way you're body is going to get in the way of you being enough of a man is potentially during sex. Most of a relationship is NOT sex. Which means most of the time, you are more than enough man for most people. When it comes to sex, you want someone who is understanding of what you need and want and like, not someone who has their own ideas about what sex is supposed to be and won't hear otherwise!
