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Why does my orientation keep changing?!? It's so frustrating/confusing...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Anonymous, Mar 1, 2014.

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  1. Anonymous

    Anonymous
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    Please help i need help!!!!!!!

    I'm 21 y/o male in a frat at college. Thought I was straight, maybe a little bi, my whole life until I met my ex, who I fell in love with. But we broke up because I refused to come out due to my homophobic family.

    Now I am so depressed. I hate myself for doing this to my ex-bf, to my family, and to myself. I knew coming out was never an option but I hooked up with him anyways because I am selfish and don't care about anyone, obviously. Now I am trapped in this lifestyle and its all my faulf. I can't sleep through the night and I have panic attacks whenever I think about what I've done. I am so ashamed and embarrassed... I've become addicted to going into bathrooms, staring at my reflection, and silently hurling insults at myself until someone comes and kicks me out. Every time I have sex with a woman I feel so guilty because I am just using her and I still love my ex-boyfriend, but they think I am interested in them. One of them even thinks that we are dating. I've also started to find "shame" porn appealing, because it somehow feels like I deserved to be punished and humiliated for having these gay and selfish thoughts. I want to kill myself soooo badly and fantasize about it all the time, but if I killed myself people would find out I was gay which is even worse than dying. There is no way out.

    Is everyone else this confused? Most of what I've read on here is people talking about how they knew their orientation since they were children. That couldn't be further from the truth for me.... How am I supposed to become comfortable with/proud of my sexual orientation when it keeps changing?!? PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!! I'M SUICIDAL!!!!!
     
    #1 Anonymous, Mar 1, 2014
  2. sam the man

    sam the man
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    Please don't beat yourself up so much. You're not trying to hurt anyone, and you're not being malicious on purpose. None of your behaviour is categorically "evil". Have you tried talking to your ex-bf? Have you told the girls you're having sex with that the sex is as far as you're prepared to take things? If you're not deliberately leading people on, you shouldn't be so ashamed of yourself.

    As to your confusion, you're far from the only one. Of course there are lots of people who knew from a young age, but that's not the case with everyone. Even on this site there are married people in their 30s, 40s and older who are coming to realisations about their sexuality. There is no set time limit to discover it and different people discover it at very different points.

    Why do you think having gay thoughts is selfish and humiliating?
     
    #2 sam the man, Mar 1, 2014
  3. Anonymous

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    Re: Please help i need help!!!!!!!

    Firstly, please do not keep considering suicide. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and this is a temporary problem. I'm sure right now it feels like the whole world is working against you, but it's not.

    I would say you should probably stop hooking up with women if you can. It sounds like that is a major part of the issue. If you keep hooking up, not only will you know you're just using these women, but if they find out that you're using them, it'll be more painful for both of you. If you can manage celibacy, at least with women, that would be a good course of action and it could save you a significant amount of additional pain in the future.

    If you find "shame porn" appealing because you find it appealing, that's different than finding it appealing because "you feel like you deserve to be punished and humiliated for having these gay and selfish thoughts." You don't deserve to be shamed for being gay. If you love guys, you love guys. While hooking up with women might be somewhat selfish, you should know that you're definitely not the only guy who has done this, and that you don't need to be physically punished or humiliated. It sounds like you are already experiencing the emotional repercussions. You just need to know that you never deserve physical harm as a result of sexuality struggles.

    As for your sexuality changing, that is natural. While there are those who, like you said, have known since they were children, there are also a significant number of people who only find out later in life, like you. Sexuality is fluid as well, so it could take a while for you to really figure out who you like and how you feel for guys/girls.

    "I want to kill myself soooo badly and fantasize about it all the time, but if I killed myself people would find out I was gay which is even worse than dying. There is no way out." THIS IS NOT TRUE! Killing yourself would be much worse than people finding out that you're gay. If you were to take your own life, then any chance of it getting better would immediately disappear, and you would also hurt numerous people around you. I understand that your parents and family are homophobic, but you don't have to tell them. Many people are out at school but still keep their orientation a secret from family.

    I also think that you should have a talk with your ex and tell him what's going on in your life. If you still love him and the only reason you broke up was because he was out and you were closeted, I think he could help you. He already knows your secret, and that way you have a real-life person to talk to.
     
    #3 Anonymous, Mar 1, 2014
  4. richazsingh

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    Oh dude we are in the same situation and I still have mood swings and thoughts about killing myself. but w.e. Ive decided ihave to come out sometime so might as well it oit quick.
     
    #4 richazsingh, Mar 1, 2014
  5. jasonpaul

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    The humiliating part just has to do with who I am... Like I play sports and have all guy friends. I know it should be humiliating... but I am ashamed of it anyways.

    And the selfishness is just because me being gay seems to hurt everyone around me (my ex, my mom, my friends) and only helps me. I should just find a woman who I love and only have sex with her. But for some reason, the more times I have sex with a girl the less I respect them and want to have sex with them in the future, which I know is also wrong.

    I just have so much guilt and shame that I can't stop thinking about every mistake I've ever made and how its somehow connected to me being gay/bi

    ---------- Post added 1st Mar 2014 at 10:10 AM ----------

    I know it shouldn't*** be humiliating...
     
    #5 jasonpaul, Mar 1, 2014
  6. Chip

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    Hi, Jason.

    First, (*hug*).

    Second, I completely understand how you feel. It's confusing, frustrating, terrifying, and makes you feel completely out of control. I've been there. So have a lot (probably most) of the people here at EC, so you're not alone, and what you're feeling is something that all of us have been through in one way or another.

    The biggest single thing that I think makes acknowledging our sexual orientation so scary is the idea that we could lose probably the most valuable thing in our lives: the love and respect of our family, friends, in your case frat brothers, and the rest of those around us. And that fear isn't unfounded: sometimes, when we come out, those who love us reject us initially because they are angry and scared, and fear of unknown things (like gay people) drives most of that.

    One thing you might think about: It's easy to blame yourself, for example, by saying "If only I'd never acted on these urges, everything would be fine now." But that isn't really true. Sure, there are lots of people who resist the idea of their same-sex feelings, sometimes for decades. And if you look in our "later in life" section, you'll see a bunch of men and women in their 30s, 40s, 50s who managed to avoid those feelings for years, only to find that they can't keep them down... except now they have a wife or husband and a much more complicated situation.

    So as hard as it is to fathom right now, you're doing yourself a service by acknowledging what's going on for you now. The hardest part at this moment is to hold on, believe in yourself, and love yourself for who you are... because you're a beautiful person worthy of love and belonging, and you'll have it. You only feel alone right now because you worry about what others will say. And once you have people around you who remind you that you're still a good, worthy, capable, loveable person, it will be easier to believe in yourself.

    The very fact you're here reaching out and telling us what you're feeling is an amazing and courageous first step. May not seem like it to you, but it is. The next step is to try and love yourself, as you are, at this moment. You don't have to accept anything, tell anyone, admit you're gay, or anything else. Just love yourself as you are, and believe taht you'll get through this, and that there are people who care about you and want you to be happy. Simply understanding that there's a process for understanding and accepting loss (in this case, loss of identity as straight) might help. There are 5 stages everyone goes through, which are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. They aren't always sequential, and we can move back and forth between various stages, but we all go through them on the road to accepting and loving ourselves.

    And the next thing is to stop judging yourself so harshly for your relationships with women. Sure, it's not the best thing to cultivate relationships when you know you can't love that person the way the deserve, but you're not a bad person for doing so; you're just doing your best, in the moment, to understand and love and accept yourself. None of us are perfect, all of us have done things we regret, but the very fact you see it as a problem means you are already on the path to working on the issue.

    Finally, in spite of what it seems like now, your homophobic family will likely come around. I can't say that with complete certainty, but from what we've seen here, I'd say a significant majority of people whose parents are super conservative, religious and homophobic eventually come around to love their gay kids/siblings just as much or more than they did before they knew. I'm not suggesting you come out to them, only that you consider the possibility that the response could be different than you expected.

    I hope you'll stick around and continue to talk about your feelings and vent and get angry and sad and whatever else comes up for you. We're here for you.
     
    #6 Chip, Mar 1, 2014
  7. Anonymous

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    Re: Please help i need help!!!!!!!

    I mostly hook up with women because everyone thinks I'm completely single, so girls try to hook up with me. I always told my ex (and myself) that I was just having sex with them for cover, but if I'm honest with myself it's just because I want to, even though I know how fucked up it is to the girl when I have 0% intention of pursuing them. That's why I hate myself for it.

    And I've talked to him about this... EXTENSIVELY. He basically told me that he's "tired of my shit" and that I can go to him when I "figure it out". Basically, I'm too much of a coward to come out and he's not gonna deal with it any more, which makes total sense. He was the best boyfriend in the world, he treated me like a king! And this is how I repay him...
     
    #7 Anonymous, Mar 1, 2014
  8. sam the man

    sam the man
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    Well being gay isn't a choice you're making to disrespect everyone else. You're doing it because that's who you are. It's only hurting others around you because they choose to let it hurt them by holding the beliefs they do. And besides, in what way would it hurt them exactly? I know it might disagree with their beliefs, but as I said for them it's a choice while for you it's not, and it's not actually affecting their lives in any way. Is wanting a good life for yourself with the right partner really such a selfish demand to make? Plus I think the consideration you're giving for others says to me you're not a selfish person by nature.

    Also you can be gay/bi and any stretch of masculine. Your orientation is a fact of who you are, but with regards to your personality it's a small one. It doesn't "make" you one thing or the other in terms of what hobbies you enjoy or who you hang out with.
     
    #8 sam the man, Mar 1, 2014
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