Hey guys thanks fro having somewhere to ask such a question... Me and my pal (35) are both attached family guys. A few years back I accidently found out he had interest in both sexes. I kinda accept this about myself for a few yeas now. Anyway we started to have experiences with other guys together,but not with each other as we taught it would get too complex. We have gone to cruising places together and all,bathhouses etc. . He loved it, He has since we started always said "thats it Im finished" but then comes back around and starts looking for more. We are very very close as friends,we text each other all the time and he does get me to take time off work so we can hang out and train and go to local gym(communal showers) together. During last session we had with a guy I "turned my attentions " to him and I have to say was very very hot and a really honest moment between us. We laughed like kids going for coffee after it,He had argument at home that evening and came back over to mine to hang out. After the argument he patched things up but has since declaired he is focusing on family life was "going threw a phaze" and was really thinking of chicks during sessions (I dont buy this as I saw how much he liked) When I was really honest and said Ill gladly do whatever with you at his house one evening he said "stop being such a queer" But when I left he started to text me straight home now as he knew I had to pass a cruising area on way home,(he knew ) I sense he gets a bit jealous if I tell him about a guy I meet saying "you should move in with your bitch" and other homophobic comments. He says regular how important he feels or relationship is but I have gone cold on him since he said he saw me checkin him out in showers.And acted a bit "straight guy angry at getting cheked out" If this was someone you didnt know what you knew the things you saw him do,I could understand. When we go for coffees and hang out we dont break eye contact and i can see in his eyes he gets turned on about stuff we talk about,but lately is saying he is not into gay shit..... any ideas?? am I reading it wrong? I thinkk he is fighting his feelings?>(!) ---------- Post added 2nd Mar 2014 at 02:38 AM ---------- P.S please dont do morals I get cheked and always use condoms... before someone picks upp on this
I think you are reading the signals just fine. If someone gets that defensive about a simple question, they're probably hiding something. I think he said he wants to "focus on his family" because he's afraid of being found out. He seems like he may be attracted to you. If he is that consistent with eye contact and is even eye-balling you and accusing you of checking him out, then it's probably true. I'm not sure there is much you can do at this point. You've been as honest as possible about this topic, right? You'll just have to wait until he comes around. Just remember, denial is stage one of coming out...
Thanks for feedback man.. yea I been very up front.. I mess and call him my brokeback buddy.. he laughs, but we must text about twenty times a day or more. and try to get to hook up as much as we can to chill. his conversations are totally "non gay" during these periods,but I see him snaking checks at lads and even saw he was quite excited in showers other day. however he totally says im crazy and read into stuff too much.. He was pushin for us to go away for a lads weekend I sad not if im uncomfortale around him. I know what I know but says im well off the mark.. I dont think so. a gay oal said he wants me and him to be more than friends but is scared of this.. god its confusing... But having said all that I aint gonna put up with someone being nasety because of their own shit,,, He ofetn says man i love ya love what we have.... lol would u not be confused too?
Like you I don't buy the 'it was just a phase,I was thinking of chicks' line. He does seem to have had some guilt feelings coming up after some of your sessions (mentioning that he's done, etc.). Re the immediate situation two thoughts come to mind: A) his argument with (I'm assuming) his wife either scared him with the idea that he could lose his family of churned up the guilt feelings about what he was doing. B) doing stuff with you suddenly moved things to a different level ( actually having sex with someone you have feelings for - even if those feelings are 'only' friendship) and may have scared him. The more so if the friendship feelings start evolving into more than that. Not sure how you feel about him possibly having those feelings. How you both resolve all this may be a matter of time and lots of talking. Todd
Thanks Todd. I think that adds up too. because even though the guy we met commented on how excited my friend was when I went at him..After the session we went for coffee and real honest and intamit chat and he was great about what happened saying he loves how free I am around sex. But some time after said he was uncomfortable while it was happening. I said I felt how much u enjoyed it.. He said we need bounderies as friends,but has kept asking me to go away for weekend even though he says he aint into gay stuff anymore.. But I see it in his eyes, I studied a bit of body language and the pupils get bigger when turned on.. and his do be huge lol. So I am at a loss.. should I just leave him alone. I am kinda scared that I have fallen in love wit my best pal. And maybe he is too. He loves copying things I do and hobbies I start so I am very confused. could it have been a phaze?? five years loads of guys with me and a few by himself he even went bottom for a guy....?
Personally I'm of the opinion that the whole 'it's a phase' thing is total BS drummed up by straights in desperate attempt to delegitimize being LGBT. Perhaps I've just missed it, but I don't recall any of the staff here giving any spirited defenses of the 'its a phase' thing either. What could be happening is either that he's scared by the idea of having feelings for a guy (vs just having lust) in general or by having feelings for you. I've seen that a bit on here before, where the act of having romantic feelings can be scary or confusing for some people. This can get into issues of how he sees himself and sex (feelings suddenly make his fooling around with dudes 'real'), how it could impact your friendship (do you become more than friends? What happens to your friendship if you break up?), and how it could impact your respective families (I gather you are both married - so how does that work if you're both having feelings for each other?). He may be scared of what he could be losing and what he might be getting himself into. At the very least it could be the unknown (which frightens some people) or be going beyond what he had envisaged for his sex life (fun and games and hookups but still a family at home - not sure how that works but hope you get the idea of where I'm coming from). This isn't intended to scare or depress you, but just lay out the possible issues in his mind and some of the scope of the situation. As far as what to do...I would let him know that you are always his friend and will always be there for him if he wants to talk and will support him no matter what. And then maybe give him a bit of space. I'd be leery about the weekend thing - I'm almost certain something would happen - but unless he (and you) are prepared to deal with that beyond the level of just being FWBs (and if there are romantic feelings involved you're heading toward more than that) then its either going to result in more stirring of the pot or maybe an attempt at some sort of new paradigm where you are sneaking off together with each other instead of random guys. But that seems likely to disrupt things with his/your family eventually and also maybe you depending on how the feelings develop. Hope that all made sense and hope it helps, Todd
tnx todd. ads us. he has even gone as far as visiting hookers after meets. suppose to prove he is straight.. also when I went at him in previoous session. he said he prfer never to see the guys agin. so that corrisponds with what u said. He loves me as a friend and I love him. but it could be messy more than that. sure lets see how it goes. but can someone have loads of guy sex for a few years then stop???? thanks for this site i need to speak this out
People can do all sorts of things if they are sufficiently determined (often unfortunately). Where things get messy is when this sort of thing turns into months or years of fighting his own desires, interspersed with periods when his will wavers and he goes out and hooks up with someone(s). Followed by guilt and denial and promising himself he won't do it again. Wash, rinse, repeat some number of times - possibly resulting in things like not practicing safe sex (with all that can come from that), or lots of guilt or being found out by his wife and all that can come from that. Or just, years from now, finally coming to terms with himself and setting out to live his life being true to himself, but possibly with some amount of regret about all that might have been. Obviously, none of this is the most positive possible outcome - but it is certainly possible. It's also possible that he'll hold out for a few weeks or months and then come to terms with himself. But I can't really say which is more likely. You certainly know him far better than I do. Todd
Thanks todd he is away with work atm so Ill find out did he give in to his "true nature" over there.. I am excited to find out the answer. If someone is texting back and forth dozens of times each day would not be the actions of a guy who is turned off or disinterested in a bromance? lol who knows
