Lastnight I hit the town with a couple friends one is straight and thinks I'm straight too because I have a male partner and kids and the other friend is a new lesbian friend I met online.She knew I wanted to go to a gay club and my other friend didn't but I convinced her to come the club was full of gay men,drag queens a couple lesbians and straights.I have been so curious about gay clubs for a long time once we were inside I was expecting myself to be shocked by it all but I wasn't I felt comfortable and relaxed I enjoyed it a lot more then a straight club.As the night progressed my straight friend was tired after only being there for an hour so I walked back to our hotel room and came back with my gay friend.Thats when I truly felt like I could be myself I was dancing and noticed this gorgeous lady in the most sexiest outfit Dancing in an erotic way she was so hypnotising so I moved in closer and started dancing next to her my mind was saying get closer but part of me want sure if she was into women for sure.My gay friend kept pushing me telling me to get closer and saying you know you want too but I told her yeah but it's just dancing trying to convince her and myself it was all innocent which i know deep down I wanted more but tried not to push too much just incase it led to something a little more then what I was prepared for.I was dancing towards a few women most of the night I so wanted to kiss a beautiful girl but knew it was wrong to do that.If I was single I'd Defintly jump at the chance but that's not my life right now.I thought going to a gay club would stop that feeling of wanting to be in one but now I'm craving of going back again.My partner knows I went and doesn't seem to care but doesn't seem to impressed by the fact I enjoyed it which is understanble but how I feel like I've opened up a whole lot more issues dealing with my sexuality.
I know that feeling. There's this part in me that says jump at the changes, go for it and just give in but also the rational part that says I shouldn't. And even though I may feel stuck and trapped in my life right now I know that I've been making progress, even though little one, and I'm heading to the inevitable, step by step. I'm not ready to come out to my boyfriend of 13 yrs and my parents yet and I have so much worries about the future but it feels like I crossed the line from where I cannot go back to the closet. I don't know if it's because I'm too weak so I'm jut letting myself surrender to the desire or too strong so I'm fighting to be finally the real myself... I just know that I don't wanna hide anymore. Sometimes I think that all the confusion one feels while questioning their sexuality is just artificial, that I've known I like women since the very first moment when the idea of being gay crossed my mind, idk. And somehow, the more I get to know the "other side of the river" the more I'm actually drawn to be there. Maybe the river is wide and I'm not able to swim across yet but I learn to swim better. :icon_wink I may be wrong but it seems to me that you may have crossed that line too and hiding behind your computer is not enough for you anymore. It may be scary, I know, but there's nothing wrong with that. And remember, you're not in this alone. (*hug*)
Thankyou Paris for your input.You are exactly right I'm too far over the line so much I don't even remember what I was like before all of this.I can't go back to something I don't remember what it feels like to not worry not question which was about 3 years ago it's like someone's finally taken the blindfold off my eyes.I feel like I'm going to have to come clean about what I've been feeling sooner then later and it's eating me alive but in saying that I'm so scared everyone is going to hate me call me fake my so called friends won't be my friends because they will think I deliberately hurt my family.I know I will have to face them all I'm just so scared I don't have much friends family now I feel alone as is so I guess in one way I will still have the loneliness I do now but worse.My mind is saying think carefully before acting try getting you desire back for your partner but no matter how hard I try telling myself these things they feel like they no longer serve or serveda by purpose in my life except my children they are what makes it so hard too.
