I find myself identifying as gay more often than bi lately because i'm in a relationship with a girl, but now when I look back I try to remember whether or not my attractions to men were legitimate. Some days I think they were and that maybe I will miss it and I shouldn't get too attached in case I decide to "go back" to men. But other days I feel like I was always gay. I'm definitely gay for one person in particular. But I still have trouble wrapping my head around both sides of my sexuality. Has anyone else experienced this? How does long-term monogamy affect your perception of your own bisexuality? Does this cause fear/tension in your relationship? Maybe part of it is my own biphobia/homophobia. As much as I love dating women and i want to keep doing it and it makes me feel good, I still always hope that one day I wake up straight again and continue my life in a completely average mainstream way. But then where's the fun in that? And am I just dating ladies because it's more interesting and exciting? Sigh, will I ever stop second-guessing myself.
I would have thought the longer you are in a relationship the more you think about 'that person' as opposed to 'those people' that you are atttracted to..
I wish someone would write a book bisexuality in long term monogamous relationships. I've experienced this in all of my long-term relationships, including my current marriage. It's different though since I'm married to guy and therefore benefiting from heterosexual privilege in so many little and big ways from basic public reactions to legal benefits. I feel guilty every day. And of course I've been kicked out of the LGBT community and considered a "straight ally." Which, although theoretically true, still kind of stings. With women, I've asked if I was doing it because it felt exciting or interesting. With men, I've asked if I was doing it because it was easier and I just wanted to fit in. With both I've buried my bisexuality to accept one label or the other or to make partners more comfortable. And I've always had that nagging "grass is always greener on the other side" sort of feeling. I think a lot of what's troubling you comes from internalized biphobia/homophobia. The only thing I know for certain is that it's absolutely critical that you talk to your girlfriend about your feelings. My bisexuality used to cause a lot of tension in relationships until I just started being open about it, existential crises and all. I was always more afraid to be open with women about it because I was afraid of the big bad wolf of "lesbian biphobia" I had been warned about from an early age. Which may have been why my relationships with men have been so much easier. I don't know. But yeah, communication is critical. Don't let yourself become alienated by your questions--let your girlfriend in on what's going on in your head. ---------- Post added 4th Mar 2014 at 01:06 PM ---------- Good point, ElliaOtaku!
Personally, I'm in a bit of a weird situation because my partner may transition someday. I tend to be attracted to women much more often than men, but I met this person and was surprised to be interested even though he was male (only to discover that she would actually like to transition to a female body). I guess I went into the relationship worried that I would have to put blinders on to women, since I'd met a truly wonderful "man," and then I was relieved that being with this person wouldn't necessarily mean neglecting to explore my attraction to women. But even if she never transitions, I've noticed that my initial worries about maybe meeting a woman at some point and damaging this relationship have faded a lot, because I'm only really interested in "him" now. If this will ever change, I don't know. But I suspect that, at least for me, and probably for a lot of people, being attracted to more than one sex is no worse than what most people experience if they find themselves attracted to more than one person of whichever sex they prefer. If you're happy with the person, you're happy with them. =) I hope that helps at least a bit.
I can relate to what you're saying wanderinggirl. i had a one night stand with a man about 8 years ago and the experience was pretty scarring and kinda put me off trying to come to terms with being bisexual for a long while. since then i have had three monogamous relationships with women, two of them lasting two years or more and it is only recently that i have found myself thinking about/being attracted to men again as well. i have a lot of trouble reconciling the two. sometimes it feels like im schizophrenic, that i almost have to shift a mental gear to accept a feeling of attraction to a man/woman without trying to analyse it too much. i think i agree with ellieotaku in that if you are interested in a monagamous relationship and feel strongly towards one person then thats all that matters, it doesnt mean you can't go back or anything like that.. the main thing is that the person you are with accepts that you are bi, trusts you and understands that it is your nature. sorry hope that helps a bit, you aren't alone
Thank all for sharing. ElliaOtaku, that will hopefully definitely be the case going forward. softsprite, I relate a lot to hearing those comments from other people about bisexuality being a balance between adventurous (same-sex) and safe (opposite-sex) experiences. Ideally, hearing that narrative implied over and over again for 25 years would not have an effect on how we approach relationships, but alas it often does. LibraryKitten, how wonderful for you. I love hearing you talk about your significant other in a way that does not invalidate any gender identity they embrace, you seem to have the utmost respect for them, which is the most important quality for a lasting relationship. I wish you and your partner the best. salakara, I am sorry that your first relationship with a man was a flop, people can be hurtful and I hope you find some reconciliation. I think it's easy to think of it as two sides duking it out, but they should hopefully someday coexist peacefully without interfering too much with each other. Its important that the other person accept our bisexuality fully, but also important that we ourselves recognize and accept it.
