Okay, so to begin, I cannot say I am 100% positive about my sexuality. I know I'm a girl, add I've experienced sexual attraction to men and I have exclusively dated men for long term relationships. However, I've always struggled with the "what-if" I was gay. The idea seems scary, not being gay but not being able to trust myself. By trust myself I mean, I can't just trust that I think I am straight and there's always a little something in my head that is telling me I'm a lesbian or I like girls. But I don't think it's true, or I mean I don't know if it's true. I put myself through tests, like I'll google pictures of naked women to see if I get a reaction- pretty much nothing. I'll think about fantasies- a little bit of excitement, but it usually is scary and uncomfortable feeling. I'll try to imagine myself in a relationship with a woman- again, a little bit of excitement, but also a scary and uncomfortable. Really its a topic that is on my mind a lot, and it can get pretty distressing at times. Tonight I was at an intramural volleyball game and there was this girl there that I just find interesting. She is a roommate of a girl that is on my softball team and I have seen her a few times. She is just genuinely a unique person and someone I would like to befriend. She just seems really cool. I was talking about her to this guy I was watching the volleyball game with to see if he knew her and then my mind went to the place that it always jumps to without me really wanting it to- I began to wonder if I would date her or could ever see myself in a relationship with her. My stomach felt fluttery, yet uncomfortable at the same time. I don't really think they were positive feelings, but again I'm not sure. It could be anxiety over the issue. I'm not really sure what I am. It's like there's a "perverted" side to me that gets really into the idea for about a second or two and then it instantly goes away, and this happens every once in a while. All I know is that I love my boyfriend and being with him, and I really want to settle down with him someday. This uncertainty and doubt and lack of self confidence is really confusing me and I just want it to go away and for my life to be simple.
I have had this happen to me a lot. I just started crushing on a girl for the first time, and I don't know where it's going to go, but so far I have just tried to be as excepting in my own mind as possible. Yes these thoughts are going through my mind. Yes they are not completely "conventional". But they are real. And you should acknowledge them too.
I totally get what you mean. I am basically in the same situation, only I don't really feel uncomfortable when I think about the girl I like. I just dream about being with her, romantically, and I feel all these butterflies, this rush that just spreads all over my body and I just start smiling idioticaly. Also, I don't have a boyfriend I find it awfully hard to find one, just like my expectations are too high, or maybe what I am looking for I can only find in a girl. I am still figuring it out myself, but as far as I know, it is completely normal to fantasize about other girls and it doesn't necessarily mean that you are bisexual or a lesbian. It just means you are curious. Just try to stop overthinking about it and, if you ever get the chance, try and experience some closeness with a girl, see how you feel about it.
