Hello, I'm a 24 year old woman in need of opinions. I don't have anyone that I can trust fully to express the questioning of my sexuality with. From age 4 to 15 I was raised by my mom and her ex girlfriend so I have always been open minded and comfortable with other people's sexual orientations. But for quite a few years I have suppressed my own, I believe. I have an amazing boyfriend and love to have sex with him, but I've caught myself imagining lesbian porn at times when it's hard for me to reach orgasm. Lesbian pornography is my ultimate preference and has been since I was 9. I'm not turned on by the look of the penis, I've found that I'm only turned on by the way it feels. I know that I'm sexually attracted to men, but I'm much more aroused by looking at women. And I have to force myself to look away when I see a woman in public that I'm attracted to. I want to tell my boyfriend but I'm afraid of how he would react. I think I'm bi sexual? But I feel myself leaning more and more towards lesbian sometimes. I'm starting to become more and more stressed out by my secret obsessions and fantasies :-( Thanks for any feedback..
To add.... Yes, I have had sexual relations with women. Only twice and I was very drunk. But the daily thoughts and fantasies consume me. I know I have not properly experimented with women sexually... these are not random, fleeting fascinations. Which stresses me out even more. If that makes any sense at all.
Hi! First, there are a bunch of people who have porn preferences that don't match up with their orientation. Some lesbians prefer gay porn, some straight people prefer lesbian porn, etc. So don't freak out over what you like to watch. However, if you are fantasising about girls constantly and are attracted to them, you are probably somewhere on the homosexual side of the Kinsey scale. If you love your boyfriend, don't break up with him just because you identify as lesbian. You can identify as lesbian and be with guys, and that's cool. Telling your boyfriend might be tough, but it'll help him understand if you present yourself as bi. Sometimes people don't get why you would identify as something and not fit perfectly in that box. My advice is to be happy and explore (without cheating, of course!) If you tell a close friend you can have a confidante, and it'll take a huge weight off your shoulders. Good luck!
Thank you so much for your advice. I did end up deciding to confide in my boyfriend about this and it was a very messy conversation... I started to feel defensive because he was asking things like "well, if you can look at other girls in the store, why can't I?" + "Is this something you want me to help you stray away from?" + "Am I not fulfilling your needs sexually?" + "Is it just physical?" + "Where do I fit into this picture?"..... So, I found myself offended. I was thinking that he was just worried about what he would benefit from my sexual orientation. It was an extremely overwhelming conversation. So, I took a break and called a glbt hotline that I had googled for some immediate support/therapy... and ended up having a mini-breakthrough. Of course, these types of things are not to be fully dealt with and comprehended within one day but I was fortunate enough to find some help for my emotions at that point. Then, I called my boyfriend back. We just talked for 2.5 hours and I feel 100% heard. We figured that it's going to take some tough work... A lot of my insecurities dealing with the possibility of him looking at other women is that he will find them more attractive and leave me. Not by anything he has done, we are very faithful to one another. I just have a lot of progress to be made in my levels of shame and self hatred/low self esteem before the next step would be taken. Which for me, ideally is finding a woman that meets both of our values and morals. He is afraid I will leave him for a woman now. It's a mess but I feel better having had expressed myself somewhat. Sorry this was a novel if a reply and I understand if no one reads it know. I will at least save it for my archives, I love to journal. My name is Brenda btw!!!! Much love <3(*hug*)
