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Angry, confused, and scared

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ETCA, Mar 6, 2014.

  1. ETCA

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I've lived most of my life just assuming I should be looking at boys, but I've never really had a boyfriend, or even a real crush. Once I figured out there was such a thing as girls liking girls, it took me by surprise, and after that I started questioning my sexuality.

    Since then, I've had three crushes. None of them have been on boys. I'm finally starting to accept that I'm probably a lesbian, but at the same time...I haven't.

    I look at famous male celebrities and think "He's kinda cute" and I've even done it a few times at school, but I've never really thought about being in an actual relationship with a guy since I started questioning. Mostly these days, my head is filled with thoughts of: "You're not supposed to like girls! Girls like guys! This isn't right! See, you just thought about that kid! You can't be gay!" I'm trying really hard to figure out if I'm just lying to myself about being gay, or the other way around.

    And then I start getting angry. At myself, mostly, for not knowing what in the world I am, but at other people too, for no reason. And I really, really don't want to be one of those people who takes their anger out on others.

    But most of all I'm scared. I'm still a teenager, and I still have a lot of time to figure this out, but I'm also completely terrified. I'm terrified of what I might be what exactly will happen if it really is real.

    Did anyone else go through this? How did you manage to figure it all out? Is it just something I have to go through?
    :help:
     
  2. BdCurious

    Regular Member

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    Not out at all
    I'm very new to this forum, just joined today.. searching for support as well. What I feel when I read your post is very similar to what I felt when I was much younger, from the age of about 9. Throughout my teenage years I always knew deep down that I have a sexual attraction for women but also for men... so I have stuck with the norm. I've had children and plenty of sex with men, most of which was regretful considering the fact that I really was just trying to fulfill an unknown need at that time through the sex. Any who, I have a always had a dirty little secret infatuation with my own gender. I'm just now trying to figure out how to express it.... In 6th grade, I was staring at a popular girls pass. A lot. It was very hard not to for me at the time. I was called out on it by another classmate, which left me feeling embarrassed and ashamed. As well as very confused. I've never told anyone this memory. I am 24 years old and still check women out. I still watch lesbian porn, as I have for so long in secret. I think I consider myself as Bisexual. The point is, you are who you are. You are attracted to what you are attracted to. Being ashamed or embarrassed of your thoughts and feelings will just lead to more confusion. I promise you, it's not been long since I was right there in your shoes thinking there was something wrong with me and that I just didn't fit the script. It's hilarious how around a week ago my mom was showing me her screensaver of like 200 guys ripped and in shape, abs, bulging underwear etc and I felt nothing. Not only bc I have a bf but mostly bc.. if the pictures had been of partially nude women, well that would have gotten a reaction out of me. And I would have had to leave the room. That tells me something deep within. My only advice, the advice I'm trying to follow myself, is to take it slow. Spend time with yourself, get to know you. Your likes, dislikes and neutrals. Whatever it may be, do this and you will eventually learn to be comfortable with yourself and your preferences. Easier said than done, oh I know, trust me. I do. (*hug*)
     
  3. sexwax

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Ok I got to ask if you're questioning yourself why are you in a relationship? It bothers me that people hide behind relationships when they're figuring themselves out
     
  4. allyssa

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I was confused to when I figured out I was bisexual. My family is SUPER Catholic and I was brought up girl + boy = relationship.... College comes around and I end up liking my best friend. A girl. It took a LONG time before I convinced myself it was ok to try it.

    I read in a manga (Japanese comic) the best explanation ever about bisexuals. It just click for me.

    Basically think of who you are attracted as a dart board. The whole board is who you are attracted to. Now, in the reference the artist drew a random shape... like a circle and pinned it to the board. She explained the random circle was her interest in boys. It's possible to hit, but most likely she'll hit a spot what would be a girl.

    Being bisexual you can be more attacked to one sex over the other, but it's possible to still end up the other way.

    Maybe you are a lesbian, but you sort of sound like me. I'm actually more attracted to what the person has to "offer" in emotion. If they can't be my best friend first... most likely my relationship with that person wont last.


    Hope it helps. n_n You can always talk to me if you want. I know it's really hard. I'm rooting for you!
     
  5. ETCA

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Big thanks to all of you. bdCurious you encouragement helped greatly. It really helped me find some new strength. sexwax, I'm not in a relationship and never have been. You have a point. It does bother me a little too when people are trying to figure things out but are in a relationship. allyssa thank you so much for your reply. That explanation really helped me figure this out. I do look more for emotional things. Thank you!