I'm a 23 year old female and I've gone through life believing I was straight, although I have in a way always been confused but at the minute I feel the most confused I have ever been, let me start from the beginning.. So when I was a little girl I wasn't a tomboy I loved my dresses and barbie dolls (yes, I know lesbians can like those things too!) but I wasn't aware of myself sexually until I got to around 10 years old, I remember being attracted to both the boys and girls at school. I had a 'sexual encounter' with another girl in my school at age 12, it was very innocent at that age but I do remember feeling something for this girl. We used to sneak into the toilets and kiss. After that, I went to Secondary School and pretty much fancied boys and men up to the age of being about 13 until we got a new P.E. Teacher who I was really obsessed with.. I used to think she fancied me too and was considering telling her my feelings (thank god that I didn't!!) This crush went on for about 3 years up to when I left school and I do sometimes think of her now. I never spoke about this to anyone. Then I went to college and got myself a job in nursing, I've had relationships with boys, never really long term but I have been sexually attracted to them and enjoyed being with them. The problem is that I feel i've never been in love or had a deep connection with anyone. I've been hurt quite a lot, cheated on by most of my ex boyfriends, and after my last relationship I decided to stay single to figure out who I am and who I want to be with. Recently, I've been having feelings for a women who works on the same ward as me, she's much older than me and I think she's gay but I'm not sure, I don't really know anything about her but I do fantasise about her. After all of this, I haven't had much experience with either sex but I have no clue whether I'm gay, straight, bisexual or what! When I think of my life as a gay women, it really scares me. My dreams of the white picket fence life is shattered, how would I be able to come out to my family when they are strong catholics and comment all the time on how being homosexual is 'wrong' (I find this ridiculous!) and it's the same with my friends. I don't know what to do. I think the main worry for me is not being able to have kids, I don't know what I want out of life but I'm certain I want kids. Infact, I'm worried about a lot of things like being rejected by my friends and family, people seeing me in a different light and acting differently around me, my work life being affected, etc. I feel like such a coward. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, sorry about the paragraph!
You are not a coward it's a stressful and confusing time. Just take a deep breath you will work it all out. Do you think considering you might be gay scares you mostly because of what it would mean in terms of your families reactions and your dreams etc or the thought of being in a relationship with a girl?
I think mostly my families reactions but also I get scared of being in relationships in general, I think it may be because I've been hurt in the past but I just don't like to feel vulnerable and this is all new to me, especially being with a girl. I wish there was some easy way to find out! I know people say you need to experiment but how can I do that without coming out and perhaps hurting someones feelings in the process.
It's ok don't worry it's ok to be nervous and worried. Most of us here have been in the situation you are in now, or one like it. I don't think you necessarily need to experiment to know whether you are straight, gay or bisexual, it can just be confusing at times. Firstly I think we need to help you figure out who you are, we can worry about your family and their reactions afterwards depending on what we decide. Just remember there is no rush and you don't have to do anything you are not comfortable with.
It's really great to have someone to talk to about this, I've been keeping these feelings inside for so long. I definitely know that I'm attracted to girls but I just don't know how far I'd want things to go, like would I want a relationship? I'm not sure. When I speak to the nurse at work, it makes me feel so awkward, my heart races really fast and I go bright red because I fancy her and feel embarrassed about it, I think she can tell too which makes me even more nervous. I don't know how I'd ever be able to talk to another women, is this attraction or obsession would you say? I think about her all the time and I shouldn't because I know she has a happy life with a partner etc.
What makes you think it's obsession. It sounds like you like her. If you think about women, either people you know or celebrities etc if you imagine yourself being with them how does that make you feel.
Because I constantly think about her but I know it could never happen. I wouldn't be with anyone from work but I don't think she's interested or even knows I'm gay. It's horrible, with my friends I have a really good sense of humour but with her I freeze, I can't think of anything interesting or funny to say and I end up saying one word answers because I'm that nervous.. I think I'd feel like I would have to hide it from the people who don't agree. Like it would probably be perfect if I could go off to a private island and not have to hear the negative comments.
I'm currently have been and am in your situation... I'm confused and yeah not really sure where I stand either with my sexuality and its knackering! I dated guys and have done but since I was 20 I've really questioned my sexuality and when I look back I had a huge crush on my english teacher when I was 13/14 and I was never that interested in boys as much as my friends, bit of a tomboy but still love my dresses. I've briefly dated a girl and it was great and now I'm pretty sure I'm leaning more towards being gay than bisexual but I also don't want to tell my family and have to explain bisexuality- It's like going through my teenage years in my 20's
Yes, I feel exactly the same. I just wish I knew what I wanted because then I could start to try to be myself, whoever that may be.. I really suck at speaking to women though. With men I find them easy but mostly boring (sorry!), sexually very boring too. I just don't know and agree with you that's it's knackering, it is all I think about!
yeah, I agree. I've tried dating, but it got a bit of backlash from some of the lesbians because I didn't really have a "label" or a proper identity... I like women but I'm still me, I don't want to change just because of a small thing about me- its confusing! Yeah I find men easy to talk to, but I don't really enjoy them sexually (well Jackson Avery from greys anatomy... maybe), never really enjoyed sex/other stuff with men. Same, well its nearly 2am and still thinking/watching greys anatomy
Watch the movie "The kids are alright" It's in your hands to create a future like that for yourself. It's all up to you. You can have the white fence and the kids and the wife and everything ) Just don't be afraid to want it.
I think you probably find it easier to talk to guys because you don't actually mind so much about the outcome. Whereas if you like a girl you don't want to mess it up.
Yeah I've watched the kids are all right, actually I've watched quite a lot of gay themed shows (the l word, south of nowhere, orange is the new black, lost girl, GIA, imagine me and you, kissing Jessica stein, loving Annabelle, gray matters - just to name a few) which makes me think even more that I'm gay because I enjoy these shows! I don't think I could have the family life I wanted as my actually family (and possibly best friends) wouldn't agree with it
It can be tough when your family are homophobic and I'm not going to pretend I know what that's like but I do know from being on EC the first of which is sometimes families and friends can surprise you. The other thing I have learnt is that hiding your true self to please or to not upset your friends and family only ends up in you being truly miserable.
