So I've always liked boys. Or at least I thought I did? When I was in middle school I dated two girls and I really liked it, but both relationships kind of fizzled out because I was 13/14 years old. And then when my family found out they asked me if I was gay and I got very nervous and said no that I was just confused. So for the past few years I just kind of said that I had been experimenting and that I didn't like it (even though I did). I've dated two guys and both of the relationships were very short and I never wanted to kiss them, but I just told myself that I was nervous. But with girls I always wanted to kiss them right away and I was nervous in a good way not a bad way. And I had always just kind of told myself like that I was Herero but like who cares about gender and if I fall in love with a girl it will be okay. But last week I started questioning myself and at first I was scared and then I went back and forth from being scared and like feeling like I didn't want to be a lesbian to being sort of ok with it. Because now that I feel like I can look at girls if I want to I don't have the urge to look at guys. And also I feel like kind of grossed out to think about kissing or having sex with a guy but with a girl it sounds really nice. But why would it take me this long to realize that I'm gay? And why did I have crushes on guys? Because I don't think I'm bi at all because being with a guy doesn't appeal to me now that I know I am 'allowed' to want to be with a girl?
I can relate to you on so many levels. I am also continuously questioning my sexuality and am not at all close to being out of the closet. So here is my feedback/experience hope it helps: 1. I was first attracted to girls, in middle school dated one seriously and kissed a few others. It turned me on and I was grossed out by the thought of men as well. Then after I got my first heartbreak I stopped looking at girls and said that it was all a stupid phase, I repressed my feeling/fantasies. I feel like I was digging myself in a heterosexual hole. 2. I never have had sex with a girl, when I finally lost my virginity it was to a guy and my first thought was that sex was not as great as all my chick friends would say. Even after I never been with a guy more then a year, I hardly dated. Most people called me a prude, but I secretly fantasized about women. I even went to a gay bar once and chicken out, never left my car, just stayed in the parking lot. 3. I think it took me so long to deal with it is because I too got nervous and just started denying everything. It looks like our true feelings are coming out. I think some people just know and accept it. And others, like us, it just takes some time. 4. The guy crush thing is something that confuses me, because I would get crushes on men and might date them.. but when it got physical I just can't get turned on by it. So good luck, keep posting. And if you have any advice for me feel free to give it! Hope my long post was helpful and not silly. 3.
Thank you! I really appreciate your long post it lets me know that I'm not the only one. But the guy crush thing really confused me too because friends would even describe me as boy crazy. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that my crushes were only 'oh he has a nice face maybe he could be my boyfriend' but I never wanted to kiss them or anything. My thoughts never extended past wanting to have a boyfriend. And I used to point out cute boys a lot and I was constantly afraid my family and friends would think I was gay even though I 'wasn't' I just think I was in hardcore denial because I wanted to be 'normal'. I just can't believe I never noticed because I've always done this thing where I try very hard to not look at girls like I would strain to only look at their faces because I was afraid that I would look at their bodies 'accidentally' and be accused of being gay. Now it feels like every day I come out to myself more and more and it feels really weird because like I was insisting that I liked boys so hard to myself that I feel like my whole world is changing. I have absolutely no idea how to come out because it's like how do I take back all those times that I adamantly denied liking girls? But i don't know I feel like I need more time to think. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I'm not going to have a husband and a child that looks like us. Even though I don't want a husband and I can have children if I have a female partner, I just feel sad about the fact that I can't have a child that looks like a mixture of my future wife and I. Sorry if that sounds dumb.
