Hi all - I've decided to join EC after a difficult few months, my head feels like it's going to explode if I don't let it out somewhere! I am a female in my 20s, and until recently I very much identified as straight. I've kissed a few girls (but that was just drunk silliness) and can appreciate beautiful woman, but I've never felt attracted and connected to a woman like I have with a man (hence me going with the straight label). I've only had relationships and sexual encounters with men, I guess I've been curious as to what it would be like to be with a woman but put that down to normal curiosity. Now to the matter at hand - I've met a girl who has literally flipped my world upside down. I say met, I've actually known her for about two years now but we've gotten close in the past few months. I'm not too sure where it came from or when it exactly started, but over time I've felt myself grow these feelings towards her. I've tried to bury them and ignore it, but the more it goes on the more impossible this is. She is openly bi, but as far as she's aware I'm straight. I suspected for a while she might be interested, and then on a drunken night out she said to me 'I really like you' - it was so out of the blue and unexpected my brain hit the panic alarm and I didn't know how to respond to her. I took the cowards way out and didn't really give her a proper response :icon_redf following on from this incident our friendship carried on as normal like nothing had happened, but I was in absolute turmoil. I couldn't admit to her that I liked her back, because I was trying to bury myself deeply in denial and self-loathing about it all. Just when I decided to bite the bullet and approach her about it/apologise/tell her my feelings, I heard that she had started seeing another girl :icon_sad: this was confirmed when I saw them on a night out together - I didn't even know it was possible for my heart to break so spontaneously and unexpectedly. I left the club early and went home and cried - there was absolutely no way I could deny it to myself any longer! Since then, she and this girl have broken up (the relationship only lasted a few weeks). Me and her have been hanging out more again recently and it just makes me so happy spending time with her (*hug*) BUT - this is where my confusion comes in more. I can't imagine being in a 'proper' relationship with a girl - like the concept is completely alien to me, but I guess that's because I've always been completely man-focused. And it's not girls in general, just this one girl so I can't really call myself bi? I'm still also attracted to men, but what I'm currently feeling for this girl is running much deeper than my fleeting crushes on a hunky dude I saw in a bar. I also have no idea how my parents would react if I told them this, or how everyone else would. I know you shouldn't care what others think etc, but it's a big thing that's really holding me back :icon_sad: in a nutshell - I'm not sure how to proceed with my situation. Confused and bewildered doesn't even begin to cover how I feel and I'm not sure what to do. I want to speak to her about it all, I want her to know how I feel and get even closer to her - but then I think I've got so many insecurities holding me back and playing on my mind it wouldn't be fair on her? and then I think about her finding another person and my heart drops again. ugh. :help:
