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not accepting myself as gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by lordsnow, Mar 10, 2014.

  1. lordsnow

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    *I don't have very good grammer so please hang in there.

    Hi I just joined I'm a 20yo male from Washington State, and a couple months ago I couldn't have imagined posting this but here it go's. Growing up I was homeschooled for reasons related to my metal health, but my mom made sure I participated in sports and other such activities. I had my first real crush when I was 13? on a girl who lived up the street,though she did not feel the same way about me:frowning2: When my mother got divorced from my stepdad and we moved into my grandmas is when I first began to explore my sexuality. I was 16 and up until that point considered myself to be 100% straight. Over the next couple years I started to look up pictures of naked men online out of curiosity at first,but that slowly morphed into me jacking off to them. During the last two months though I have come to the realization that I'm not the least bit interested in women and have a strong attraction towards men. When I masturbate its always to men, my celebrity crush is male, I find a penis to be more attractive then a vigina. But I can't see myself living with a man long term, raising a family, growing old etc. though I can picture this with a women. Also the whole gay sex thing creeps me out, though all my fantasies consist of men. With all that said I have zero experience with either sex, I'm a virgin in every sense of the word. That is the main reason why I won't admit to myself that I'm gay until I feel pleasure from an encounter with a man. The reason I'm posting this is because for the last week or so I haven't been able to sleep, I have no appetite, and have even barfed once. I just lie in bed all night wrestling with the fact that I could be gay. In closing I would like to thank anyone who post a reply as this is eating away at me.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hey lordsnow, welcome to EC!

    Stick around a while, I know for sure you will find considerable help in these parts...
     
  3. Destiel

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    For one I'm so sorry you're feeling to bad! Secondly, it is very hard to admit to yourself that you're gay sometimes. I repressed it for four years and it sucks. I know it's hard to realize that you're not heterosexual and the fear of intimacy between your own sex. I was scared about it at first too but I quickly began to realize that hey, if I love them they'll wait till I'm comfortable. If you do get into a relationship with a man just tell them up front about what's going through your head because they can help, we've all been there.

    Now about how you're not accepting yourself. If you have come to the realization that you are indeed gay, then you shouldn't try to repress it. I know it's hard, but you'll just come to regret repressing it later. And if it's affecting your physical and mental health I strongly suggest going to a drop in therapist just to see if they can help you with accepting yourself.

    And about the family scenario. When I realized I was pansexual and that I could end up marrying someone who I wouldn't be able to reproduce with I was scared, yes. But you have to look on the flip side. There is adoption or surrogacy. And if you just can't picture it just yet, give it time and when the right guy comes along maybe you will be able to.

    So I suggest if it's still bugging you go to a therapist if it is affecting you that drastically or a close trusting friend. I hope I helped! (*hug*)
     
  4. lordsnow

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    you did, btw love the quote.
     
  5. Destiel

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    Haha, thank you! And no problem!
     
  6. paranoidkid

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    I do not mean to cause you anymore confusion here.

    But you said you experimented? In what way? You said you have not been intimate with either sex.

    Again, fantasy is just fantasy.
    Pictures are pictures.
    The real thing is way different.

    Not saying you are or aren't gay. But could it be possible that you may be straight, may be bi?

    Sexuality is shown in the childhood years. And yeas it can be repressed, which you may have done since now you are coming to this conclusion.

    Just dont worry, your still experimenting. experiment and have sex with both sexes if you still feel confused. Dont just go jerk off to pictures.

    Unless you do feel confident you are gay, then embrace and enjoy who you are dude!! Cheers!
     
  7. Chip

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    Howdy, lordsnow, and welcome to EC!

    I can relate to what you're describing, and I can remember that feeling in myself. I just got to the place where I wanted the feeling to go away. It sucks. I think most everyone here at EC has had some variation of what you're experiencing at one time or another, so you're in the company of a lot of people who have been through what you're feeling.

    Here's some info that might be helpful. When anyone processes a loss (in this case, loss of perception you're straight), there are stages: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. They aren't necessary sequential, and it can take anywhere from 10 minutes to years to go through them depending on the situation and circumstances.

    So in your case, let's look at what we have: You only masturbate to guys, girls don't turn you on at all, you like penises way more than vaginas. You don't feel any sexual attraction to girls, and your fantasy crushes are guys.

    So looking at the above, unless there's another piece you aren't mentioning, the evidence is totally overwhelming that you're gay and there's essentially zero evidence you're straight or even bi. That is probably not what you want to hear, and I could imagine that reading that statement might send a chill through you. I know what that feels like. The thing you have to try and keep in mind is... it is what it is. You can't change it, and you'll be OK in any case.

    The part about not being able to see yourself growing old with a guy, being scared/grossed out about gay sex... is all completely normal and expected for a gay guy just coming to terms with himself. That's the confrontation between your conscious mind and your unconscious mind. Part of you totally knows that you're gay, and part of you is resisting the inevitable with every scrap of your being, and that conflict is also part of the experience of processing and understanding and accepting who you are.

    Somebody might show up here and try to suggest you're heteroromantic/homosexual. Bullshit. It's a conscious resistance issue, and those labels are completely unhelpful and detrimental to the process in these sorts of circumstances, because it just delays the process of accepting and loving yourself as you are.

    The important piece is... you don't need to accept what I or anyone else says as truth. You are the only one who can know the real truth for you and your experience and what you feel. And if what I've said doesn't feel right... by all means, reject it and contemplate and come to an understanding that works for you, because this is your life and your experience.

    If you do decide that "gay" is the right label... there's no rush to tell anyone until you're ready. And that can be a week or 10 years. In general, I think people do better by working toward coming out and being authentic sooner rather than later, but again, the most important piece is that you feel that it's the right decision, and that you're ready (or... at least, almost ready. I don't know that *anyone* is ever quite ready to come prancing out of the closet the first time they share that information with others.)

    I do hope you'll stick around and continue to post. EC is a wonderful and supportive community, and I think you'll find a lot of insight and support from others who have been where you are now. Feel free to talk about, vent, ask questions, or share what's going on for you, it's what the community is here for! :slight_smile:
     
  8. JohnB

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    1st of all, Chip, nice to hear from someone who runs the site and such, and thank you for what you do everyday. And I like the five stages of death you're using for coming out. I found that hilarious, not disrespectful, I too found myself going through some of those, but not every one. :slight_smile:

    Desteil, I like what I've seen so far from some of your posts, I too love your quote. :slight_smile:

    Now, down to business.

    Lordsnow. Not really accepting who you are, thinking that "gay" is purely just a label you do not want to be known as, creeped out by gay sex, only picturing a long love life with a woman. Yup, sounds like me.

    I was always attracted to boys, just regretted not coming out sooner.

    But I might as well tell yah the day I went through that grief stage, my mental health suffered some one night. Someone left the TV on IFC, Independent Film Channel, and late night shows and movies come on, I got up to use the washroom to find 2 dudes on TV talking about one was Bi and how the other dude said that is what gay people say before they come out, and I felt a little trapped because at the time I liked boys and girls, when I left the washroom, I looked at the TV again and decided to watch a bit to find that Bi dude having trouble with his girfriend in bed, whie she gets up to get something to drink, he got up and made his way to another dudes room and realized what he wanted to his girlfriend's shock, she found him and his friend doing it, and she ran off and couldn't believe what she saw, and credits rolled. Now, I felt that the dude's fate was sealed when he revealed he was Bi, and I went to bed, but didn't sleep for hours, thinking about how I didn't want to be labelled gay and fears ran through my head so badly, blaming what idiot from my family left the TV on that particular channel, convincing myself that the show made me gay, hating it, but now I realize that it was natural to feel what I was fighting. I laugh at that show now, and glad it was on, as they say, everything happens for a reason, I do not believe in God's plan, but I do laugh at consequences and how they work in your favor to shake things up in life from keeping it from being boring.

    I am still closeted, and do not want a full on gay relationship with a dude, I do like the look of dicks and the idea that the penis is the pure and direct center of a cute guy's pleasure zone. Pardon my say.. lol. But I do not like the idea of butt sex what so ever, just seems weird and creepy, but I guess it may happen at some point , not really looking forward to it, but It may happen with the right person, and with a condom. To avoid aids and shit.

    I do not believe "Gay" describes me, though I may be fighting it, but whatever defines me the right way to myself, I will accept. It is weird, because I do like the way some woman do, and actually am attracted to lesbians as well. Overall it is their confidence in how they dress, present themselves with unique hair styles, clothing, and friends. I know I like men, but I know that I am into chicks as well, I know I am not fully Bi because I go hard for men, but also like lesbians for their personalities(and men's personalities as, too).

    You are not alone, but one day you will accept yourself, and it is definitely going to be soon, because you know why? because you came here to post, and I can tell that getting it out there is always a great feeling, already the weight is lifting. I too felt that it was eating away at me, but it is just a way life is changing, and I for one don;t fight change, I embrace it.

    I do not believe in God's way, but like I said, though consequences are just random acts, there are some that do work in your favor and are happy accidents. There may be a long eternal plan written in the stars, but you just gotta believe and trust it will lead you to different places, consequences are here to shake up the world from being boring, no matter what happens.

    Just do what feels right. Hope I helped. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 11th Mar 2014 at 01:41 AM ----------

    Oh and GreatWhale gave some great advice.
     
    #8 JohnB, Mar 11, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2014