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Mental Torment over possibly being gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jinib, Mar 11, 2014.

  1. jinib

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
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    Not out at all
    Hello all, this is my first post here. I've been in mental torment off and on over possibly "being gay" since around 1984 (12 years old). I'm now 41. Yea, a very long time. Of course, its not the only thing I've worried about. But one of the most troublesome for me.

    And to get this out there, I have no problem with others being gay/lesbian/bi/trans. I'm a firm believer in supporting who others are, regardless.

    I have a massive history of anxiety and OCD. If there was something to worry about, I probably worried about it. Sexual religious issues/blasphemy (resolved once I realized I was agnostic), germs (ritualistic hand washing), fear of insomnia (which causes insomnia), panic attacks, and most recently, as I age, having a fear I have some strange fatal disease, simply from having any weird symptom (all tests normal of course).

    I also fear I may be gay. In 1984, I was watching a movie and about halfway through the movie, I suddenly felt some odd intrigue or attraction to the lead male actor (not sexual, but definitely some type of attraction). Up until that point, I never considered myself gay, never even considered that possibility, and definitely looked at girls. But, after this happened, major anxiety ensued, and I spent the next few years constantly worried about possibly being gay. It even happened again with another actor in a movie a year later -some type of odd attraction. Eventually, I'd just pick a guy on TV or in person to be afraid of (not even attraction), and if I accidentally saw one of these people, I'd get massive anxiety and start worrying that I was gay. This destroyed most of my youth.

    The anxiety started to subside once I started dating more girls (late teens through mid 20s). I was most definitely attracted to them, not attracted to guys, and by logical default, pretty much quit worrying about being gay. And eventually, started to wonder what I was even thinking and worrying about.

    I've now been married for 16 years. My wife knows about my OCD, and also about my "fear" of being gay, and is very supportive.

    But over the years, there have been times (though not always) where when I'm around gay or good looking men, I get some spooky weird intrigue or even attraction to them. I can't tell if it's real attraction, or if its anxiety playing with me -as with the other stuff I've worried about, the anxiety makes it seem so real. The problem is, when this happens, it doesn't sit well with me, and I get massive anxiety and disgust about the possibility of me being gay too. Being a homosexual just doesn't feel like who I am.

    So I worry that deep down, I may be gay, and just repressing it, due to the anxiety and disgust it causes me otherwise.

    So now I have questions. If I am gay:
    1. Why have all of my major sexual and emotional fantasies always been about women? I've never fantasized about being in a physical or emotional relationship with a guy. I don't masturbate to gay porn, and never have. And there are times when I'm sure I'm 99.9% straight. (however, the fear crosses my mind that I have been forcing myself to want women all this time and my relationships, including my marriage, are bogus).

    2. Why does the thought of my being gay not feel right to me and give me great angst? It seems that most others who realize they are gay, tend to embrace it deep down, and are happy about it. But me, I feel sick.

    The only conclusions I can draw at this point are:
    1. I'm gay, and have been repressing/denying this fact for years. the attraction to women has been a subconscious cover up all this time.
    2. I'm mostly straight, but have a slight curiosity in the same sex, so bi-curious
    3. I'm straight, and OCD is giving me absolute hell.

    I've you've read this far, I really appreciate it. I'll also appreciate any insights anyone may have.

    -me