Please, someone help me.

Hey, I’ve been browsing this forum for a good couple of months, but have never really felt comfortable enough to register and make a post. I hate to add to any of your own personal problems, but I’m at the stage now, where I just need somebody to help. In advanced, I give my genuine thanks to anyone who bothers to read this and reply

When I was younger, because of a turbulent relationship with my father, I spent a lot of time with my mum. I think this has kind of rubbed off on my personality. Through primary school, the majority of my friends were girls. I didn’t like taking part in the girly activities, but I think I just felt less intimated by girls, which again is probably linked to my dad. At the beginning of secondary school, I continued hanging around with a group of girls. I remember a lot of boys would ask me if I was gay, which for whatever reason, really upset me and made me feel really bad about myself because I was certain I was straight. About half way through Year 7, I found some new male friends. To this day, I’m still with this group of boys. Without meaning to sound at all big headed, the ‘group’ I hang around with, I guess you could say are viewed as the ‘popular’ boys of the year. I don’t feel popular and I definitely don’t see myself as popular not even in the slightest, but others in the school do. Ever since becoming good friends with these guys, the gay speculation immediately stopped. I was so glad people didn’t think I was gay. I just hated the thought of others thinking I liked boys. I wasn’t using these boys… They are my best mates, definitely.

Last year, I got very close with this girl, who I can honestly say I 100% fell in love with. Even typing about it now just really angers me. We were together (unofficially) for about three months, but we both admitted to having feelings for each other about four months prior to this. We were together before, but it didn’t work out. Embarrassingly and really quite stupidly, I deny that I still have feelings for her, but I know I do, deep down. I look at her, and she just does something to me. I still miss her, and I just wish things had worked out differently because I can’t put into words how much she meant to me. She was my first serious love interest. She wasn’t a virgin, and I wasn’t her first love or anything. She said she loved me, but who knows? I was emotionally and sexually attracted to her, 100%. There were always plans for us to have sex, but the time never came due to family being around (too much information?). While it never happened, we did talk about it a lot and would ‘tease’ each other, I suppose you could say. In short, I loved her and was extremely attracted to her.

Once that all stopped, I closed down to relationships and the whole idea of love. I have been involved with a couple of girls since then, but I never really wanted it properly because I knew I still had something for this other girl.

I don’t know how to word this without sounding overly weird or creepy… but I’ve always been someone who really liked the thought of sex and stuff. I’ve always been into female models and that kinda thing, and would always notice girls around town and at school. I guess you could say that I’m just a standard sexually frustrated teenage guy?

For the past maybe three months, I’ve realised something new about myself. I am undeniably attracted to boys. I am definitely sexually attracted to boys. It’s just come up so randomly. Before these past few months, I wouldn’t have thought I would be on this forum typing this all out. It’s all so new to me, and I don’t know where it’s come from. Back in the middle of last year, I was girl obsessed and sex obsessed. I’m now, well… Boy obsessed? Obsession is the wrong word, it’s not an obsession at all, but I can find some of them unbelievably attractive. Whereas before I would only look at girls at school, I am now finding myself looking at boys and feeling such a huge sexual attraction to them.

It’s kinda weird in the sense that it’s so new, yet so big. It hasn’t slowly crept up on me or anything… It was almost as if one day I just woke up wanting guys, haha.

It’s not quite as simple as it seems though, hence this post. Because I’ve been so infatuated with this new dimension of my sexuality, I seem to have forgotten girls. It’s so confusing. I’ve been in love with a girl, and for my entire life I’ve only been attracted to them. Like I’ve said, I’ve always found girls to be incredibly sexually attractive… but right now, I feel as though my attraction to boys is stopping my attraction to girls? Well it’s not stopping it, but it’s making it less prominent? If I was out rightly shown a picture of a hot girl, then yeah, I’d still feel attracted to them. But if I’m in town or whatever, I tend to look at boys more than I do girls. It’s so weird because I’ve literally NEVER been like this until recently.

I am not emotionally attracted to boys. The thought of a relationship with a boy doesn’t appeal to me. However, the thought of being involved in some kind of sexual activity with a boy, does unquestionably appeal to me hugely. I sometimes put this scenario in my head: There’s a hot boy and a hot girl, who would I choose? If we’re talking a relationship, I choose a girl… If we’re talking sex or whatever, I could choose either depending on who I find more attractive. If the girl is hotter to me, then I’d choose her… but if the boy is, I’d definitely choose him. If they’re both as equally as attractive, I think I’d choose the boy because it excites me more.

A part of me does think my sexual attraction to guys could be stronger than it is to girls. But I do 100% have a sexual attraction to girls, at the same time of having a strong one for guys. Does that make any sense? And my emotional attraction to boys is non-existent… but my emotional attraction to girls is huge. So I don’t know what my sexuality is, I really don’t. I do know I’m not straight. I know I can’t be straight when the thought of a hot guy turns me on. But how can I be gay if I’ve loved this girl so much and have been so attracted to her? Surely those feelings don’t just disappear?

I just need someone to give some advice or to share some of their own experiences. So really, from all of this, I’m asking you… What do you think my sexuality is? I know that I’m the only one who can really know my sexuality, but what would your best bet be? It’s really doing my head in and getting me down. I hate not knowing who I am, it’s horrible… and I’m sure many of you on here can relate to that?

Thanks so much if you’ve bothered to read all of this. It’s a huge post, but I just needed to get it all out. Thanks again, it means a lot

 

Thanks for your response

I think to an extent, I do know what my sexuality is. I think I'm more confused by how the attraction to guys IS in a way, outweighing the attraction to girls. I don't really like the idea of a full on relationship, which is why I think the fact that my sexual attraction for guys can sometimes be stronger than it is for girls is quite significant.

I mean, for the past three months, I've hardly looked at girls. I've been so caught up with this new 'thing', that I've only looked at guys.

I have come across that term before, and at the time, thought it matched me perfectly. But now with the male attraction getting bigger, I wonder if I'm full blown bisexual or even gay. Then I ask myself how can I be gay? If I've genuinely loved a girl before, then surely that side of me can't just disappear? Or can it disappear? I don't know, it's so confusing. Because of late, I do feel as though it's just gone.