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Suppressed Desire (Unsure)

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by stupidcupid, Mar 12, 2014.

  1. stupidcupid

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hey Everyone! I’m a 21 year old female

    I was raised during a time in which same sex relationships were almost unheard of. So as a kid, my mind was set to be in a relationship with a guy and live happily ever after. However, I do remember feeling this sort of uncomfortable attractiveness to women (suppressed/subconscious feelings if you will). Specifically when I’d watch a sexy music video or interact with certain older women. This is from what I can recall of my childhood, born and raised outside of the US.

    My family and I then moved to America. The transition was difficult but I managed to make friends. What I did not realize at the time was that my best friends from the 6th grade, 7/8th grade, [and freshman/sophomore year of HS] had seemed to like me as more than just best friends and it turns out that they are all openly lesbian/bi now. Although I never really developed romantic feelings towards them, I did find myself to be quite infatuated with one of my older sister’s friends who was questioning her sexuality at the time and is now openly lesbian. Within the same time frame (middle school years), I began watching The L Word, South of Nowhere, and found myself intrigued by a lesbian couple who actively posted on their blogs online.

    After my middle school years, I moved to a different state to go to an all-girl’s catholic high school. I believe as to the basis for me watching shows like The L Word and South of Nowhere; subconsciously I wanted to attract girls sexually/romantically. Although girls had tried to get with me/make moves on me, I had never really pursued any of them (I think that was out of fear). I guess I have been afraid of what everyone else might think; especially how my family would react if they knew and I would be looked down upon for my actions. Also, I was never really 100% comfortable with my body as compared to other girl’s bodies (I’m under developed).

    When it has come to sexual/romantic relationships, my history has always been with boys. I had crushes during my childhood, first boyfriend in the 7th grade, lost virginity at 15, had 3 boyfriends during the rest of my high school career. I have hooked up with guys after high school, but now I am in my third year of college and not wanting to hook up or be in a relationship with any guy. I don’t think I have ever really been satisfied with being with a guy and I’m so curious about being with a girl but I am afraid and don’t know how to go about doing so. I have flirted with girls online and have had so many opportunities to hook up but am so afraid and picky. Does anyone have any advice? Any thoughts or comments on my current situation? I don’t want to be alone forever, I want to find a girl to be in a relationship with and further a commitment.

    Love & Support

    XX