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more confused but less confused?????

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by lordsnow, Mar 14, 2014.

  1. lordsnow

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    Before I start there's a couple things I need to say. First I made a thread a couple of days ago about my denial to accept myself as gay. Don't know how to link it, if you want to read it go to my profile it's the first post I made on this site. Second accepting myself as gay and coming out are the same thing to me, just thought I would say that to minimize confusion on your part. So basically the only two things stopping me from accepting my sexuality are the fact that I've never kissed anyone , I'm afraid that if a come out and then kiss a guy later on and find it repulsive then there's no way to go "back in" so to speak. What further complicates things is that I don't drive , so if I wanted to experiment with a guy I would have to come out to do so. The second is I still having trouble picturing myself living with a guy long term, though I often have fantasies about what it would be like to have a boyfriend, and these fantasies more times then not don't evolve kissing or sex. And lastly the past couple days I feel like screaming I'M GAY!!!!! Though even with all the overwhelming evidence I posted in my first thread, can anyone know their sexuality without even one kiss?????

    P.S thank you for putting up with my improper grammer
     
  2. TJ

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    Heya mate. :slight_smile:

    I'll respond to specific points from your post.

    RE: Accepting sexuality before kissing someone
    Absolutely, you can know that you are sexually attracted to guys before you kiss one. In fact, the majority of the gay youth on EC probably fit into that category. I knew well before anything happened with any guys that I was sexually attracted to them.

    RE: Can't see a long-term relationship with a man
    This is not at all uncommon. When I was in the early stages of coming out, I felt the same way.
    Our brain is not used to thinking about it. All of our lives we've grown up thinking that we'll grow old with a woman and have a family with a woman. You can't expect yourself to easily open up to the idea of being with a man instead of a woman.
    For me, I accepted that I could grow old with a man when I first started having true love feelings for a specific person, my boyfriend. You realize that you love someone so much that growing old with him will be easy.
    Just give yourself time.

    RE: Wanting to scream it out
    Hell yes you want to scream it out. I did too. When you are first coming to terms with your sexuality, it's not uncommon to want to 'fit in' to the LGBT category more. Some people might want to dress more feminine/fashionably, some people might change their hair style, their voice might change, the way they talk about men might change.
    All of these are ways to cope and help accept your sexuality. Not everyone feels the need to change up themselves a bit, but a lot of people have that urge.
    Also - you've been holding these feelings in for a long time. Why on Earth would you want to hold them in any longer?

    Hope this helps a bit. If you still have things to discuss just post and I'll respond again.


    Edit: Here is the link to your first thread:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/128323-not-accepting-myself-gay.html
     
    #2 TJ, Mar 14, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2014
  3. lordsnow

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    Thanks man, I thought it was weird that I haven't kissed a guy yet.
     
  4. StillAround

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    Not weird, fella. I'm 69 and haven't kissed a guy yet, but I know for sure I'm gay...
     
  5. newfish

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    It's quite possible to determine sexual orientation before having an actual romantic experience. As pointed out above, it's about who you're attracted to. (This was written when first reply was above.)

    I don't know that I really have experience with this, but I get where you're coming from. I think y acceptance was just a little bit weird (I went through that "am I bi stage?") and would go from only picturing myself with a woman to only with a man. I think eventually you realize that whichever gender you are attracted to and can fall in love, and especially if you find the right person, it will become easier to imagine.

    Yes. Yes. All of the yes. In the hallways, during class, there's just this idea of screaming it. Of course, eventually you'll actually come out and then there's just calm.
     
  6. Brave Prince

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    There's a cool video out with some guy with a microphone asking random folks when they chose to be straight (and the underlying implication on the choice question). If they can figure out they are straight without kissing the opposite sex...

    I couldn't picture myself kissing a girl, actually, when I was very young. I've been married 26 years and am very sexually attracted to my wife (she couldn't make me straight though, you can run but you can't hide).

    Do not feel obligated to kiss some guy just for the experience. All your rights of passage are glorious and precious. Don't rush them and always make sure you will be proud of the choice when you are on the other side.

    Blessings,
    BPC
     
  7. Destiel

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    Hey again!

    Now first off, you can totally be gay without kissing a person of the same sex first. I realized I was pansexual - or well at the time I thought I was bi - before I kissed a girl for the first time. You can totally realize your sexuality before that. And don't stress yourself out with thinking that you may be repulsed because it will only make things harder for you. You have to take a deep breath and think that if you want to be with a guy it wont be repulsive. You should get rid of your doubt or you may push yourself further into your closet. The sooner you take a deep breath and let things progress as they should the happier and funner life will be as you come to realize your sexuality :slight_smile:

    And if you can't drive there is always transit - it is your friend aha. If you live in a smaller city it may be harder to get to experiment and find out everything about yourself but you can always take bus to a larger town for a little get away and get into the community there. And if you live in a big city I bet there will be some hang out for LGBT somewhere near. You don't need to come out while you figure everything out - that will only make it more stressful. Wait until the moment feels right.

    Also just because your dreams don't involve intimacy yet doesn't mean you aren't gay. I knew I liked chicks before I had real fantasies of them, so don't worry about that, it will come over time.

    So just get used to yourself and don't rush it and doubt your sexuality just because it isn't coming full force. It's actually best that it's coming to you slowly, it'll make it easier for you to grow used to who you are.

    Hope I helped! (*hug*)
     
  8. BMC77

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    Yes.

    I've never kissed another guy, but I'm gay.

    ---------- Post added 15th Mar 2014 at 04:58 PM ----------

    I'd consider this quote from your other thread stronger evidence that you are gay than whether or not you've kissed a man.
     
  9. BMC77

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    Part of this could be that society clobbers us with the message: man+woman+marriage=lived happily ever after.

    Meanwhile, society has clobbered us with anti-gay messages, which have included the suggestion that long term gay relationships aren't possible. Indeed, if you go by some popular stereotypes, you'd assume that it's entirely possible that the average gay man knows nothing about his last partner except what his penis looked like as it was stuck through a glory hole in a truck stop men's room.

    Chances are that as you spend time here, you'll find your view changing. For example, I know I had a lot of trouble with the society message about gay men being nothing but insatiable sex maniacs. A few weeks of EC started planting a more positive message in my mind: that there are gay men who are interested in real, meaningful relationships.