Hi everyone, I'm new here. My story is a bit complex, as you can see from my profile I've selected "straight" because it's the way I currently identify. But it doesn't explain everything, and I'd really appreciate your advice and support. Here's my story. I'm a ciswoman, who started life pretty straight. I liked baby dolls and wanted to be a Mom from age 5. I drew pictures of brides and grooms, and had crushes on boys as soon as I started school. But despite that, I wasn't *as* boy crazy as my older sisters, or as feminine. I disliked Barbies, make up, nail polish, etc. By the time I was 8, I had been brutally bullied by other girls in my elementary school, and slowly, my friends all became boys. I was geek and non-athletic, but I still really liked playing video games, and watching pro wrestling, hockey, and baseball. At family functions, the women/girls would prep salads and talk family and relationships. I'd always hang out with the men/boys and talk politics, money, science, etc. When I was a kid, I embraced my masculine ways, and felt very proud and liked being different. I originally had crushes on my two closest male friends, so I didn't think I was gay or anything. Although it was hard at time, starting puberty was rough because I didn't want to become a woman - I hated my menstrual cycle and refused to wear a bra for year before caving. When Ellen DeGeneres came out when I was 12 and then Rosie O'Donnell when I was 15, that had me questioning. I had identified with Ellen's character and her style and Rosie's personality and attitude, and wondered what it meant for me. When I was 14, someone at school called me gay, and that led me to seriously question my sexual preferences. But, I still didn't like girls - as friends, or in any other way. When someone else at school called me a "gay guy in a girl's body" this almost made more sense to me. If there was a trans character on TV, I probably would have found more of myself in them. From age 8-18 I had a really hard time forming any positive friendships with girls. I surrounded myself with guy-friends until the end of high school, and dated a couple of them. I started wearing minimal makeup - just concealer, foundation, and lipchap. I wore my hair to my shoulders and layed in front and thought my look was "androgynous" because of long hair wrestlers and Alan Doyle from Great Big Sea. I listened to metal music, liked action flicks, and was really good at math, spatial tests, and anything stereotypically masculine. I never flaunted my sexuality, and I dressed more conservatively than most girls - typically jeans and long sleeved shirts with high necklines. When I went to university, I had to live in a dormitory with girls. This was difficult at first, but I found other girls who liked metal music and were less "girlish" that I could get along with. At the time, I thought they were all straight, they never said or did anything to convince me otherwise. I dated one guy all through 4 years of university, and he was my first love. I was intensely physically attracted to him, but he became emotionally abusive after a few years. I turned to my close female friends for emotional support, and distanced myself from my boyfriend. I became so emotionally, and intellectually close with one female friend in particular - she was a goth chick and daughter of a Pastor, and was in all my advanced math courses. Eventually I realized I loved her, in a very protective way. I never thought about her in a "sexual" way, and wasn't sexually attracted to her, but fantasized about hugging her, holding her, and caring for her. I remember once me and my goth friend took the online SAGE test (sexual and gender evaluation). We both were psychologically androgynous, socially androgynous, and emotional cross-dressers. I don't know about her, but I did enjoy imagining myself as a dude sometimes. Her profile said bisexual, and mine said heterosexual. Eventually, I broke up with my emotionally distraught boyfriend, and moved across the country for graduate school. I partied with boys once again, dated a bit, and then found my true love, my husband. There's no doubt that he's my soulmate. We dated for 3 years before getting engaged, then had a 2 year engagement, and have now been married for 2 years, and I'm pregnant with our first kid. I love him in every way possible, and my love grows daily. Physically, emotionally, socially, sexually, he is my world. So, I sound pretty darn straight, right? Well, there's more. When I was in graduate school, and dating my to-be-husband, I started getting homo-erotic dreams. I told my partner about them right away, and thought they were no big deal, because I didn't feel any same sex attraction when I was awake. Ok, I did like Ellen Page - the first ever preview of Juno had my hooked and I was mesmerized by her. But again, it wasn't "sexual" I just wanted to look at her all day and be her BFF. But then, a few of my grad school friends came out to me. And then, a few of my undergrad friends came out. And then more did. And then it felt like every single woman I had ever been friends with was gay, bisexual, or queer. Why could I only form friends with guys or gay women? Did that mean I was gay too? Again, I thought about it, but had no same-sex attraction, so concluded I was straight. I started volunteering for a few agencies and made friends with some super awesome, left-wing, hippie girls. There was a group of 8 of us, and we'd chill, talk politics and current affairs, and it was awesome. Most, were not super feminine, more like me. Jeans, hoodies, funny t-shirts, etc. We'd call each other "dude" and "dudes". One was bisexual, but the rest were straight. I was co-organizing a charity event with one of my awesome hippie friends, so we started spending lots of time together. We'd do dinner and chat about math, x-men comics, and life. Then it happened. I had this intensely sexual dream about my charity-event buddy. And when I woke up, I was really aroused - for days and weeks. I told my not-yet-husband about it right away. We were not yet engaged or living together, but we had been together for 2.5 years. He was extremely supportive and trusting, and knew that I loved him deeply. It took me MONTHS to figure out what was happening. I didn't just feel sexually attracted to my friend, I was in love with her. I thought she was straight, so I never told her how I felt, but I fantasized about it constantly. I respected her, and admired her, and just wanted to spend as much time with her as I could. I thought about what it would be like if I married her - we would be a great couple. I'm the more logical, analytical math geek, and she is the fashionable, artist with big Ukranian curves. Of course, this would come to a head when I went away for the weekend and five of us shared a hotel room - I was in the same bed as her. My libido went nuts, I'll admit I slept closer to the center of the bed than I should have. But nothing ever happened. Weirdly enough, that weekend in the hotel was when I learned that TWO of the other girls in the room were bisexual. So when my crush was absent, I told my other friends about my feelings and my dream. It felt soooo good! We rallied around and supported each other, and as they were embracing the "bisexual" label, I started to consider it. When I got back from the weekend, I phoned some graduate school and undergrad friends who are lesbian/bisexual/queer. Out of the three I told, "I think I'm bisexual" two IMMEDIATELY encouraged me to be polygamous and date girls in addition to my boyfriend. Wow, that was startling. Open relationships, threesomes, poly, and casual sex was not for me. I really need serious relationships that center on emotional connectedness and intimacy. And I couldn't imagine trying to balance multiple intimate relationships like that. While I was focused on my female crush, I felt like I was neglecting my boyfriend - there was no way I could balance it. I respected my poly friends, but I tried to assert that I really liked monogamy. That's when I first felt rejection. They essentially told me that if I wasn't willing to be polyamorous, then I wasn't really bisexual. One went as far to tell me that I'd wake up in a few months and be poly, just like I woke up bisexual. As my other bisexual friends started to experiment and have open marriages and open relationships, they tried to be supportive, but just didn't get it. If I wasn't going to date a woman, what was the point in admitting I had a crush on one? One friend even said, "All girls have girl crushes. It only makes you bi if you act on it." But it was a big deal! I had unlocked all this attraction, and arousal that I hadn't known before. I experimented with lesbian porn, and found that thinking of women aroused me in ways that my boyfriend didn't. It was real. After several long months of deliberating, I realized that even if I was attracted to women, I was still primarily attracted to men. And most of all, I loved my boyfriend the most. I loved him more than any man, or any woman, and I wanted to spend my life with him. So we got engaged. When I got engaged, and married, and now pregnant, a lot of my bisexual, poly, and queer friends have dropped out of my life. I felt like I was being judged for picking the heterosexual lifestyle. I still went to house parties with lots of queer women, but when I introduced my male fiance, I felt immediately judged, and they would censor themselves around me, like I wasn't an ally or insider. At a political convention, I actually met up with some cool men and women who arrived together and invited me to dinner. At dinner I learned they were the "Queers for Nash" group, a gay lobbying group. I thought that was great, and enjoyed their company, until I mentioned my fiance. Boom, I felt like an invisible wall had gone up. Shortly after getting married, I graduated with my PhD and found work across in a small city. My husband and I relocated and have been here for 18 months. I don't have any queer/gay/bisexual friends here. Although I have straight female coworkers who are nice, it's just not the same. I'm not just purely straight! For one, I've had a slight cross-dressing interest. Once in a while, I'd use makeup to thicken my eyebrows and shade on some whiskers or a beard. I can naturally grow a bit of a mustache anyway. About 5 or 6 years ago, I'd dress up in flannel shirts and baseball hats around my apartment and take "guy selfies" of myself. I tried to convince myself to dress up like a guy for Halloween once, but chickened out. I like being a woman, I don't think that I'm transgender. Right now, I'm five months pregnant, and I LOVE it. I love my pregnant belly, so much. But, from an early age, I never liked being called a "lady" or "Miss". Once of the reasons I wanted to get my PhD was so that I could be addressed as "Dr." and not "Ms." or "Mrs." on my legal documents, because I wanted to escape my gender, if only slightly. It's been 4 years since I've had that dream about my hippie friend. When she moved away, my bisexual feelings died down for a while. Sometimes, I can go months without a same-sex feeling. But when she comes to visit, or when I visit her, my same-sex feelings are super elevated. Even without seeing her, about once every 2 months, I just feel the need to fantasize about women (ie watch Orange is the New Black). I am not in denial about my same-sex feelings, or attraction. But I have chosen the label "straight" because I think it's the label that help others to understand me the best. I might be attracted to multiple sexes, but I'm primarily oriented towards men. If I was placed in a room with 100 men, and 100 women, who were diverse in personalities and body types, I think I'd be attracted to 40 men and maybe 8 women. So here's my problem. I'm happy with who I am, but I'm not happy with how others see me. I want to meet new gay/bi/queer friends, especially now that I'm in a new city. But it's really hard to introduce myself to those circles when I'm married and pregnant. When I tried to find online resources for bisexuals, all I can find are hookup websites. I don't want threesomes, or dating websites. I'm happy in my closed, monogamous marriage. Also, is it worth it to embrace the bisexual label (or another label?) I dislike the bicurious label, I'm not curious, I'm sure of who I am. How would I come out if there is really nothing in my closet to expose? I've never been with a woman, or dated, or even kissed a woman. And I don't plan to change that. So is it even worth it? Given that I have legitimately fallen in love with two women friends before, I think it's legit, but I don't know if it's worth the trouble. Thanks very much for reading all of this!!
