Hi all, I'm 28 and have lived a straight life my whole life. I grew up in a conservative but not overly so family. I've always wondered if I was gay ever since bring young and being involved in games with a couple of friends where we touched each other's penises. These were on both occasions and I felt I wasn't too into them but on occasion I'd consider this and wonder if I was gay. The first time I really thought about it was as a Virgin at university at 19 I fancied the guy who lived in the room next to me. He was a slim muscly guy who was more attractive and definitely I now know my type. I masturbated over him a fair amount which will have been the first time I had done this over the thought of sex with a man. At this point I came out to a lot of my friends and to my brothers and parents, pretty much everyone was fine with it but I always thought my parents were disappointed, though they never said it. After a while I just hadn't done anything about it, I spoke to some gay reps at uni but never went out or started dating men. I then forgot about it and carried on living a straight life, pulling girls on nights out and sleeping with a couple during the uni days, i never had any great sex but always felt like I enjoyed it. Once a male friend kissed me and I kissed him back but I didn't really feel anything despite him being an attractive bloke. I felt i felt less excitement then when I kissed girls but it happened quickly so who knows! I had another period of thinking I was gay after uni but again never did anything about it. Then had a period of hooking up with a female friend which we never spoke about sober but went on to include a lot of pulling, hand jobs, blow jobs and some sex - I enjoyed it and wanted there to be more though was a bit ashamed of it as my brother fancied this girl so never pushed it. Near this time I had a long running flirting relationship with one of my friends sisters it was amazing, she was amazing I was infatuated with her and wanted more, eventually it fizzled out as she wasn't interested and I was gutted as she was amazing. I then started working in a new city with new friends and new people but again never went into it considering a gay lifestyle. I didn't have too many relationships but did have sex (which sometimes variable but I sometimes didn't cum inside the girl and felt nervous often) and kiss a few girls on nights out in my first couple of years, the gay thoughts were out of my mind but I wasn't hugely pushing straight relationships either. In this period a gay friend kissed me on a night out and I didn't exactly push him away but just closed my mouth and said no thanks. I didn't feel particularly excited by it and just wasn't interested. At this point one of my friends set me up on an internet dating website as I hadn't had many proper relationships and had fallen a bit for a couple of girls who didn't want to go out with me. I met a four girls on match and had sex with three of the first four who I liked but split up as we didn't share much in common. I then met my current fiancé, she was and is amazing we fell in love very quickly. She made me wait a couple of months for sex and we had an active playful build up to that sex. I at first was nervous during sex and sometimes didn't cum inside her or had to masturbate to keep myself hard for the sex. Other than this the relationship was perfect, we fit in terms of all the ideal things for a relationship in that we bring the best out of each other and support each other amazingly. We have fun times together but sometimes more fun when we are with other people rather than when we are just alone. The sex got much better so that now I normally cum inside her but I do feel I am more goal oriented in getting to orgasm than enjoying the ride as such. We are very physical in terms of kissing and cuddling each other a lot she says I am like a spider monkey for always being over her in normal life. I have had three spells of questioning my sexuality with my current fiancé, first about a year in when I told her was bisexual, which at the time I was worried about but thought if I loved her it would make no difference and didn't really do anything about it. The second time it was more "am I actually gay" after a bit of time and some counselling I thought that I was definitely interested in women as I had done things I wasn't proud of with women and couldn't see why if I wasn't sexually interested I would do these things such as: 1. Almost cheated on fiancé with a girl in a club (tried to pull a girl - this happened once when drunk) 2. Got two private dances on a stag do - It was weird as the other guys didn't but I just really wanted to as was excited and then had to do it again after the first one, I took a lot of stick for it. 3. Really dirty dancing with a girl in club who I fell for a bit while with current fiancé. Therefore I decided as I was being aroused at men having sex that I was definitely interested in men too. I felt certain that though I was bisexual when I told my girlfriend I was so worried at the thought of losing her that I wanted to feel sure and we left it about a month and I had the chance to explore myself but didn't want to ruin the amazing relationship and so we got back together and I felt comfortable and happy. 10 months later I proposed, as soon as I did it I started to worry about whether I was making the right decision because of the couple of indiscretions noted above and I was scared whether I loved her enough. This passed and I lived happily if I bit unsure and wanting more clarity over the relationship but 7 or 8 months. In this period I looked at some gay porn when not wondering about my sexuality for the first time on the basis that I was accepting my bisexuality. However in mid February the feelings came back, as we were starting to talk about booking venues. I started to write lists of things I love and things I didn't and do online tests about if I loved her enough. The things I always thought were whether we chatted enough when alone (I may be being harsh as we spend so much time together that you run out of things to say) and the sex wasn't amazing - I note this but a cream which a doctor prescribed (on my gf's advice) which would make my foreskin more stretchy and therefore the act more pleasurable I had lost and never tried to get it back. I don't know if this indicates my head was in the sand or I was happy with the sex! This reached a head recently on holiday when I just thought why if my life is so perfect (which in terms or gf, holidays, job, house, car it is) why am I not happy. This worried me until the gay thoughts came back. I now sit here fairly certain I'm gay despite it making no sense to me based on the facts I know based on my arousal from gay sex I'm interested in it and based on sometimes finding my sex life perfunctory with my current lover. I am definitely scared of being gay as I am not appealed by a relationship with a man. I'll try to expand further on what I currently feel below but have gone on enough about how I've got here today, this is my first post on a forum like this but have taken solace by reading comments here at all times I've considered my sexuality so thank you for your understanding of my difficulties. Thanks.
You seem to still be attracted to women, with some sexual anxiety. Did I just miss a part where you said you are not interested in women? Why do you think you are gay instead of bi? Do you feel more attracted to men than to women?
Thanks for your reply I was just rereading my post and realised I skipped a lot of the reasons why I was questioning (where is the edit button). When I find myself starting to question my sexuality I lose interest in sex with my fiancé and I become more nervous around men. This makes me feel sexually uninterested in women and sexually interested in men (particularly with the arousal from gay porn). Also due to the questioning of my sex life through my history I worry I have been strongly in denial and am therefore not bi but gay. However I think when I'm more level headed about it that I'm probably bi but finding it difficult to commit to my current love due to the lack of experience with men and effectively ignoring that side of me. Is this something which happens and people lead happy lives? As I worry I'll keep on waking up and thinking I've made a mistake as I'm hiding one half/ the whole of me. I'm also worried I'll throw away the best part of my life (my fiancé) due to being sexually attracted to men even though I've never acted on it and definitely love her. Basically I'm scared and not the best person to assess what I feel right now, trying my best to provide the relevant information so people can help me out. Thanks again.
Sounds like maybe HOCD and/or sexual anxiety, but: From what you wrote, it sounds like only the sex part of a homosexual relationship appeals to you, since the thought of being romantically involved with another man does not appeal to you (this could be because you may have trained yourself, in a sense, to find a gay lifestyle unappealing, although I'd say this is unlikely; it seems to me that your attraction to women is genuine). Keep in mind that many people have sexual fantasies that they would never act on in real life, even if they had the chance to (threesomes, fantasies about being raped, etc.). And from what I've heard, sex by itself is never enough to hold a relationship together. It sounds like you are both romantically and sexually attracted to women, even if your sexual attraction to men may be slightly stronger. If we have to have a label, I'd say you're a hetero-romantic bisexual. But just remember: ultimately, it doesn't matter what gender you are attracted to. If you fall in love with a person, that's all that matters. If you love your fiance, you love her. Do what feels right. I wish you the best of luck!
Thanks - it interests me as why you say this is unlikely, as I don't know what different feelings people who are scared to be gay and people who are would feel towards a relationship with a man. I'm anxious around men sometimes and particularly so around attractive men, however I don't really remember having many male sex or relationship dreams and have never discovered myself longing to be in a relationship with a man. I don't know what this points towards but it would be helpful to hear what others who came out late in life thought before they did so. Thanks for your point on the label, I think that sounds plausible, how have others like that got on in monogamous relationships? Thanks!
It sounds like you're bisexual (with a preference for women) and a complete reluctance to act on any gay urges you have. This is no biggie. What would be a biggie though is for you to marry your fiance, repress these homosexual urgings and treat your future wife in a less caring way than you otherwise would (not saying you will do that but it's a possibility) or worse still, get married, then eventually start acting on your sexual attraction towards men in real life (again, not saying you will do that but it is a possibility). Not to be judgemental in any way but if either of those scenarios came to pass it would be extremely unfair to your future wife. My advice would be to seek ongoing therapy to try to see if you are likely to pursue these homo-erotic fantasies beyond the realm of your imagination. It doesn't sound like you would but having extensive therapy surely can't hurt.
Thanks Uranian, what you say makes sense and I will be getting some therapy and working through it with some gay and other friends. Thanks - if anyone has other comments to add please do!
