Thus far I would have always classified myself as straight, but for the last 1-2 years I am starting to get the feeling that I might be gay. But really my conclusion to this isn't really the way you'd expect it, since I KNOW I have feelings for women. I know that since I was 11 years old I started having my first sexual fantasies about women, had crushes (and even one full blown Limerence ) for women, and to this day still fantasies predominantly about women and watch 80/90% straight/lesbian porn, and the other 10% I usually don't find as satisfying. But somehow it seems like my fantasies and real life don't match up. The thing is that with women I am just extremely inhibited and shy, if I feel attraction or arousal around them I immediately pull back, it is like some kind of reflex to having these feelings, me saying I cannot handle this, but in such a deep-seated way that it seems insurmountable, as if the attraction has a negative instead of a positive connotations for me (I know the last part is somehow paradoxical), and all this doesn't wane even when I was with a women for a few months, every kiss would make me just as anxious as if it were the first. This cycle has caused me to filter women out of my life, and causes me to purposely sabotage encounters. With men i can simply easily get along, I have easier connection (although not really sexual attraction) and I feel safer and more at ease, I know this is slightly sexist, but I also look up to men more, in a kind of way I see them more as respectable father figures. My personality is also effeminate (in a very Kurt Cobain kind of way) which often causes problems for me since I tend to get the feeling that I can't cater for women and that i am inferior to more masculine men (which for me would be 90% of them).
The key bit is that you don't feel sexually attracted to men. You do fantasize and feel attracted to women. To me, it all adds up to being ay. Not all straight men are super-masculine, and not all gay guys are effeminate. Don't worry about being wrong for women unless you're not attracted to them.
Agree wit Newfish: it doesn't sound as if you are gay Dum Dum Dum. You are sexually attracted to women for the most part (even if you had the odd homo-erotic thought or dream this is apparently pretty normal with straight guys so don't sweat it, or overthink it, just accept that it might happen every now and then - I'm not saying it does happen to you at all btw). You just sound as if you are awkward around girls and are becoming anxious because of previous encounters. Don't shut girls/women out of your life though because of this shyness/anxiety/awkawardness particularly if you are attracted to females sexually. Just try to be yourself and don't pretend to be something you are not. Almost all people fuck-up around people they are getting to know and develop feelings for but just keep picking yourself up off the dirt, brush yourself off, and keep going like nothing happened.
I'm not as certain as the previous two posters. I can see an argument in both directions. Here's the argument for why you could be gay (or on the gay side of bi When one first starts considering something such as the idea of being gay, there's a potential loss involved (loss of perception of being straight) and there are stages that every person goes through in processing that loss: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. The stages aren't necessarily sequential. I've heard quite a few gay guys in the early stages of coming out, describing themselves in pretty similar ways to you, and that's basically what bargaining looks like: Acknowledging to some extent that there's some attraction, but minimizing it and trying to hold on to what you've previously believed. The "effeminite" traits aren't damning, but it is pretty uncommon to find those traits in straight men. And the aspects of what you describe about women vs men... I can remember a time when I felt something very similar, when I was struggling with understanding who I was. So basically what I'm saying here is... I'm not sure that what you're saying is a completely accurate representation of what's actually going on. Not because you aren't telling the truth, but, if in fact you're closer to gay than straight, you're still somewhere between denial and bargaining. The argument for why you could be straight is simpler: You don't seem to have strong attraction to men (though you qualify the statement about watching gay porn by saying it doesn't usually excite you as much, and that is somewhat interesting), and you've had fantasies for a while about women. So really, it could easily be either. What I usually suggest is masturbating a bunch of times over the next week or two, without porn. Some sessions, you do so without consciously seeking any particular thoughts, and seeing where your mind leads you. Some sessions, you intentionally think about guys. And some, you intentionally think about girls. I might even make some notes about each session in a journal or something so you won't be relying on your (possibly non-objective) memory. Usually that exercise brings out a pretty clear pattern: You get off faster, easier, and more intensely when thinking about guys, or about girls, but not both. It would also not be uncommon (if you're closer to gay) to be really hot and excited in the moment, and then be completely grossed out or disgusted after ejaculation; the difference here is, someone who's completely straight won't get excited and hot thinking about guys in the first place. It might also be worthwhile, as an experiment, to watch some more gay porn... and make sure, if you do so, it's a fair test: don't look at obese grandpa porn and expect to be able to generalize that to gay porn in general, for example, unless you happen to be into obese grandpas. What sometimes happens is, when you open yourself up to watching it without judgment, you find there's a lot more excitement there than you thought. In any case, these exercises should help you clear things up. If you find yourself much more aroused with fantasies about women than men, you can safely say you're straight (or mostly straight.) If men are more exciting... then you're closer to gay. And also, keep in mind, for this to work, you need to be willing to be objective (as much as possible) and not try to justify or rationalize, but just look at what happens and what you feel. Hope this helps, and feel free to post a follow-up if you need more clarification.
it sounds like your "Mental Inadequacies" as far as in your head goes, the thoughts of you not being able to handle it, your "inferiority" etc etc, is a self-fulfilling prophylactic. You use those to push women away before you can get to close to them.
Oh, I'm definitely not certain. I am one of the most uncertain people going around but I give a pretty good impression that I'm certain when I'm writing things. This is just over-compensation on my part so I can seem more learned and insightful than I actually am. You do make a good case for the OP's potential gayness (though I disagree). I would only emphasise, as I've been doing a lot since joining EC, that the OP, as well as working through things in a safe environment like this one, to also seek professional (non-religious, pro-LGBTI) counselling if at all possible. There is nothing quite like speaking about this issues with a non-judgemental adult with experience in these issues.
