For now call me Kabuki. I'm a 20 year old guy close to be 21. I'm from the United States and I'm currently studying a degree on fine arts. My goal is to become a digital artist and an illustrated novel writer. I've never been in a relationship before, never have kissed, not if I don't count the ones when I was a kid and kissed a girl when my dad played softball. That also means I'm a virgin. My life hasn't been an easy one, I'm even surprised at myself for having been able to live through it. You see, I'm the second son of a family of 5 siblings. Having an elder sister and not that much interaction with my father, and me being a very observant guy since I was a kid, a developed a bit of effeminate traits from copying my mom and sister. My body type not helping me at all, I was always bullied at school since I started kindergarten to the end of senior year. The bullying began because I had a bit of pink on my Rugrats backpack. Everyday they would call me names, push me around, hide my things, etc. It made me feel bad, because I had no idea why they called me gay, and although I always preferred the female characters whenever I had the option to choose the sex of the character, never did it cross my mind of wanting to be a woman. In fact, I'm a 100% happy of being born a guy. So, as the years went by, and the bullying continued, I started questioning my sexuality. I remember there was this girl named Nicole, she had big cheeks, big eyes and freckles. She was my first crush. Later on third grade, I felt attracted to the prettiest girl of the class and it was like that until we graduated and she went to a different school. I never said my feeling to her because I developed from all the bullying little to no self-esteem at all. When I started middle school I thought things would be different, that they would stop because they were just being kids. Unfortunately they didn't stop, and you could say it became a bit more physical. They didn't beat me up, but they would sometimes touch some places they shouldn't, not my private parts, the back part. They would still call me names and as a matter of game they would sometimes hit the private parts of other boys, me included. It was in middle school that I started being more aware of other boys. Nonetheless I still felt attracted to one of my friends, she had a very close resemblance to the girl from kindergarten, but like the other girl I felt I didn't deserved to be liked by anyone, and even more now that I found other guys attractive too. On high school fortunately the bullying decreased but it was still there. By this time I felt no one would be interested in me, so I decided to ignore the romantic aspect of my life. All of this scarred my heart deeply, I'm sure it is still scarred. I would cry on my elementary school years, swallowing every pain I felt, never opening my mouth for help. You see, in my mature immaturity, I decided that my mom didn't need to know, that my problems were my own and mine alone so it was my responsibility to solve them alone. I turned from a bright, extroverted,cheerful and talkative kid, to a gloomy, introverted, low self esteem, inexpressive, cold kid. I lost all trust on others, and my ability to express myself openly became almost nonexistent. All of this traits became part of me, and most of them still are. In the most recent years till now my life has been a bit easier. I've made friends, become more open to others, although my trust to others could be better. But I'm happy of the progress I've made without help, the only help I've received is knowing God loves me, that maybe with all of that which has happened I can help others, giving them the help and affection I didn't receive from my family or anyone. The good thing from all of that is that I became more emphatic, more understanding. All of this has left me very confused. I've always dreamed of getting married to an asian woman and have kids. See them grow and love them with all my heart. Succeed were my family failed and just be there whenever they need me. But now, even though I still want that, my dream is being threaten by this insecurities and feeling I'm sure I didn't have prior the bullying. The only way to describe it is like when someone is called stupid by everyone, family, friends, classmates, strangers, and they end up believing they are. That is how I describe my life. Being interested in the opposite sex when, all of a sudden, people say you are gay and you begin to believe them. For what is worth, my family is of Pentecostal religion. My older sister is lesbian and likes to dress like guys, and although my mom accepted her and everyone else, I'm sure my mom is still sad. Like my mom says, she was her first daughter and she will always be her princess. What I mean about this is that my mom is accepting, heck, I'm pretty sure she knows I feel attracted to guys, or at least that I'm curious about it, since she caught me looking through yaoi(japanese gay comics). But what I'm scared about is disappointing her. Anyways, that's my story. I hope to make good friends here and help in any possible way. Also to be able to understand myself more. I actually took a Kinsey test to have a not so accurate idea of what I might be, and I'm on scale number 2. And I think is very likely that I'm just heterosexual with a little more homosexual attractions or that I'm just confused by the whole bullying.
