Finally being true to myself...frustrated

I introduced myself awhile back but I never got a chance to tell my story until now. Sorry if it is long. I have never sat down and told the whole thing but I think I need to, even for myself. I appreciate any replies more than anyone can understand. I feel I need to reach out and be understood somehow since I have very few people in my life I can talk to.

I am a 32 year old married mom of two children. I have been with my husband since I was 14 years old and we have been married for almost 13 years. He was my only relationship and the only person I have slept with (other than being molested as a child). My husband is more my best friend than anything and I love him very much. I just recently told him I am bi sexual and he is dealing with it well. I am really just figuring things out myself, mainly by looking back and assessing my life. It is all so clear now, why didn't I see it before!

Growing up I knew I wanted to marry a man and have children. There were no thoughts of being with a woman. My first crush was a boy and I fell for him hard but he didn't like me back. Looking back I realize my first girl crush was in grade nine. There was this one girl I couldn't stop looking at. She was cute and beautiful and I wanted to be like her. At the time I didn't realize it was a crush because I didn't imagine myself with her sexually but I had this overpowering need to be near her. It was a reoccurring theme growing up. There were certain girls I was really taken with but I assumed everyone felt this way. I figured if I was a lesbian I would have sexual fantasies about girls but I didn't. That being said, I didn't really have sexual fantasies about boys either...

So after I met my husband when I was 14, things settled down. We dated, got married and I was busy raising the children. I had a few select women I felt attached to but I still didn't figure things out. I realized I enjoyed looking at female bodies and when I became sexually active as a teenager. If we watched something x rated I always found myself looking more at the women than the men, although I still found men attractive.

To shorten things a bit lol, I didn't start figuring things out until a few years ago when my best friend hinted she was interested in experimenting in a threesome with myself and my husband. This never actually happened but I could not stop fantasizing about being with her. I started having lesbian dreams almost every night. I think that is when I started putting things together and thought back to my life. At the time, I just couldn't bring myself to tell my husband and I tried to push it from my mind. It was a confusing time for me. For the past several years I have felt like I have almost completely lost interest in sex. I mainly only did it for him. Now I question if my sexuality has something to do with it.

Just recently my husband started working with a woman who is openly bi sexual. They are now good friend and they talk a lot, which used to really bother me but I am getting better with it. She started telling my husband that she found me very attractive and she had dreams about me. We have never met but she has seen my pictures and we talked by text a bit. She is interested in becoming my friend, which I am happy about but a bit reserved. This brought those feelings back again and I couldn't hold it back anymore. A month ago my husband and I were drinking a bit and I felt relaxed enough to finally tell him I "think" I like women. I had dropped hints before but this time I just told him. He was a bit surprised but seemed ok with it. I did down play it a bit to soften the blow by saying I find women attractive but I don't know if I would act on it. The more we have talked over these few weeks I have been more open by telling him when I found a specific women attractive and I said I may consider some sort of arranged threesome at some point. I joke about having a girlfriend sometimes and we laugh.

I am really getting to know myself again. I know I have a "type" of woman I am attracted to. A bit chubby with soft features and a youthful appearance. Shorter like me. I am worried I talk about it a bit too much now but he is the only one I have to talk to and I feel so free to be myself! The problem is I feel like I really need to experience being with a woman at some point and I don't really want him involved but I know that is not ok. We are not in an open relationship and it would kill me to see him with another woman so it isn't ok for me to do it either. The arrangement we have mentioned is a threesome where he is there but he isn't allowed to have intercourse with her. I don't know if I like the idea and i would never want to do anything that might jeopardize our marriage. So I am just frustrated that I am finally coming to terms with who I am but it is kind of too late to do anything about it. I don't want to leave him or hurt him in any way. There is no winning for me in this situation. I don't have anyone else to talk to unless I become friends with the bi sexual woman he works with. That could go bad if I develop feeling for her, yikes lol. My current best, and only, friend is not someone I would feel comfortable discussing this with.

Anyway, thanks for reading or even skimming over my post. It is nice to reach out to people who would understand. Despite the new issues this is causing me, I feel good that I am finally being true to myself. I am bi sexual and there is absolutely noting wrong with that:icon_wink

 

Thank you everyone! It means a lot just to be understood