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Help, please

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Bm1, Mar 18, 2014.

  1. Bm1

    Bm1 Guest

    Hello, I was really hoping someone might be able to help me, as I'm having a really hard time with my sexuality just now.

    This problem began in early January after a few things combined namely the final break down of my relationship with the girl I loved a few months earlier, and seeing a few diffrent things online.
    Now I'll say this before I start I have some real issues with worry and getting myself incredibly upset over things, for example the second someone starts feeling sick I do too, or when I was about to sit a hearing test for a job I stressed out and obsessively tested my hearing so I believe that may play apart in all of this.

    So anyway, I started worrying about it doubting my past sexual experiences and questioning every time I was ever with a girl. but it sorta subsided and I relaxed after watching some straight porn getting aroused and then some gay porn which made me turn off i am just totally indifferent to it, however then I started reading about HOCD and seeing people post symptoms I'd then start to develop for example, being attracted to male friends started happening, and I can say honestly in my 17 years of life prior to this that I've ever thought a male was more than casually attractive or handsome. But these symptoms grow and develop and I have periods of panic and intense anxiety and compulsively check porn ect for a response I never achieve.
    It's also made me loose my attraction to girls after reading about it, prior to this episode I use to sit next to girls in class and be aroused by them greatly or even just seeing them walking with a button undone or something, it's horrible and makes me doubt everything I once knew to be true.
    Infact sometimes it leaves me so upset I wish I was gay, and that there was a genuine attraction to guys there so I could at least explain why I feel this way, and I try my hardest to be aroused by guys, but the only way it works is if I think of girls. There is nothing wrong with being gay at all and I know my family would accept me, but I just have no desire for men sexually

    If anyone could help I'd much appreciate it very much, cause just now I would drop dead if I could.
     
  2. stuffandthings

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    This sounds a lot like how my experiences have been with anxiety and fixated worries. You've made it pretty clear that you're not sexually into men, but you keep checking to make sure. You worry that you've lost your attraction to women - stress can affect libido, and it's probably hard to be turned on like you usually would be when you're so stressed. For now, I'd focus on trying to calm yourself down. I realize that just saying that is totally unhelpful, or at least it was for me when other people said it. I wish I could give you advice on how to do it, but I haven't managed to solve it myself quite yet. Maybe someone here has come out the other side of this and can give you some tips.
     
  3. Bm1

    Bm1 Guest

    Actually the bizarre thing is I'm more aroused by fantasies and porn than usual, however I think it may just be the fact I'm doing it so often.
    I just look at guys and girls the exact same way now, only except seeing a guy who's fairly attractive panics me, the one revelation I had recently was that if someone put a gun to my head and made me honestly answer what I believed I was I'd say straight.
    It's just like everything I've ever been through was all just some lie I question every emotion every attraction and I can't even tell what is real or fake anymore it's a nightmare.

    To put it into a comparison that I understand best, one part of my head is batman, calm logical the other is the joker who throws random thoughts and questions into my mind tearing the place apart :lol:
     
  4. Bm1

    Bm1 Guest

    To be honest I tried to accept it just there that I might have gay tendencies, but to be honest, it's bizzare I almost feel like it's a joke, that it's not something I believe in truly, however I do feel like crying now seeing stuff with my ex I think that there is something under lying about all of this that's kicking it off I have no idea... :bang:

    also the whole attraction to guys thing only seems to happen to gay people, like I see a guy person and it makes throws a layer of anxiety across me, I CAN imagine being with a guy like sexually or emotionally, people online seem to say they are disgusted and revolted by the thought, however for me it doesn't do anything not particularly revolting just neutral.
     
    #4 Bm1, Mar 19, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 19, 2014
  5. Bm1

    Bm1 Guest

    Infact a major part of this is like, what if my whole sexual history, my love and enjoyment of girls and sex and arousal by them is only because I believed I was straight?
     
  6. StillAround

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    Two suggestions:

    1. See a therapist for a few sesions and share your concerns.

    2. See your doctor ans ask whether some anti-anxiety meds are in order, even if onlt temporarily.
     
  7. stuffandthings

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    I would also suggest you talk to someone. It does sound like anxiety, especially if you can't seem to shake off worrying about it. At the very least, I think talking to someone who knows how to walk you through your thoughts would help you. It might be hard to tell them at first, but I can pretty much guarantee they've seen way too much to judge you for something like this. :slight_smile:
     
  8. Bm1

    Bm1 Guest

    Thanks for your help guys much appreciated, I've got the docs on Tuesday and further counciling planned with them. I've been thinking about it and I've realised I haven't been thinking at all about anyone other than my ex and I still fantasise about her and what not, so I think my lack of attraction to others may be rooted in the fact I still have fairly strong ties with her emotionally and sexually.