(This is will probably be quite long, and for that, apologize). So I've posted on here several times regarding my sexuality, but I haven't really talked about what I believe to be the root cause of my anxieties. My father is the one that messed me up. His health had been slowly declining for the last four years or so, but it finally reached a breaking point last April, when he was hospitalized for the first time. He dealt with Lupus among other things, which has been known to severely change peoples' personalities. All I know is that one day I woke up, and my father didn't like me anymore. When I was little, he was the most amazing father in the world, but he changed. The breaking point in our relationship happened in October of 2012, when I was chatting to him, and I said something about wondering what kind of person I'd fall in love with. He looked me in the eye and said "Who would want to marry YOU?" He then went on to list all the reasons that he found me to be unloveable. It was shortly after then that I started to question my sexuality. At first, I identified as bisexual, because I knew I was interested in girls, but societal pressure convinced me that I liked guys, too. Despite only being physically drawn to girls and flirting naturally with them, I still feel some lingering attachment to the idea of spending my life with a guy. I have dealt with massive anxiety surrounding this issue, and I think that it stems from fear of being alone and undesirable. In case anyone was curious about how things ended with my father, he died last November, after a very agonizing year of hospital stays, dialysis, an open heart surgery, and two different rehab facilities. The whole sexuality thing is just one of many deeply-seated issues that man has left me with. My mother is going to force me to go to a therapist about it, because she said I have "too many emotions" for her to handle. I don't want a therapist, but she insists. I'm afraid that it will change me too much, or that I'll see things about myself that I don't want to see, or maybe it's just the fact that going to a therapist means admitting that I really am screwed up. If anyone has a similar story or some insights about this, I would really love to hear what you have to say.
Therapy is not about brain washing and creating pod people, it's about giving someone a place to open up about themselves without fear of judgement in the hope that the subject realises things about themselves and understands who they are. People ask questions without realising they have the answers within. It should be an eye opener.
Going to a therapist can only be good. It can be difficult at times cause you will have to face some things that may be difficult to face. Better to face them head on though rather than leaving them bubble away under the surface. That was a horrible way for your dad to treat you. I have had similiar issues with feeling inadequate around others bringing on feelings that I'm gay. It's possible that you're looking for a tag for your mixed up feelings and that you've tagged yourself as gay.
Thanks for the responses, both of you. I know I need to be more open-minded about therapy, and I'll definitely be thinking about what you said. As far as feelings of inadequacy making me tag myself as gay, I don't think that's it. I know for a fact that I am extremely attracted to girls, there's no question there. I'm just having problems with constantly worrying and obsessing over it. I'll mention it when I go to therapy. I just hope that I can find someone good to talk to, because I've heard a lot of horror stories about therapists.
