Hi I posted a post about a month ago, I think, questioning my sexuality, because I had self identified as gay. In writing this post, I feel I'm slightly self indulgent, but hey, why not. Anyways, I've come to the conclusion I'm gay. Now there are a few reasons to back this up, the weirdest...or maybe not, is that I don't know if any of you guys know of Matthew Lush - a well known Youtuber who makes silly, sometimes quite sad and serious videos - but who 'blogs' with his boyfriend. I don't know whether you like him or not, he's an acquired taste I'd say, but I want what he has...a guy. Seeing them together is cute (to my eyes), and I've come to the conclusion that I really need to fully come out. There are other reasons after some, "soul searching" however cliché that sounds. This whole living about 3 separate life's is actually quite difficult and mentally exhausting. My family don't say they know, but I think they do. I've never had a girlfriend, my dad finds this exceedingly strange...rightly maybe. I know they'd be ok with it, my mum will be abit weird about it for a few hours then invite me for a chat then she'll be fine, my dad wont want to talk about it (thankfully!, but he can be homophobic, I think he just doesn't understand), but they'll get over it...I know that, yet for about 5 years I've nearly...and I've had open goals to do it in conversion...and not done it. I have 7 brothers and sisters, I'm the oldest, so they cant really complain. My siblings will be fine too, and I'm 100% they know for reasons I'll explain here I was also fully out at school a couple of years back. Everybody knew, and my younger ones go to that school, and I was well known as "the gay guy"...although to be fair anybody who wasn't into football was gay. There is NO WAY my younger brothers and 17 year old sister doesn't know. But they've been kind enough never to mention it, or use it as a weapon which is lovely if truth be told. Maybe they have moral boundaries, that would a shock Lol. I'm now pretty much fully out at Uni, anybody who doesn't know...should have guessed by know. I've cut off my friendship with a few guys I knew initially because of remarks they've made about gay people. I wont have that. I've come to the conclusion over the past 6 years I've actually been quite unhappy, not quite depressed, there have been the odd time, but unhappy, I've only just realised it, because everything I do, to the way I walk...how I dress...my mannerisms...my voice. I'm ALWAYS doing a 360degree evaluation of myself, 16hrs a day, and if truth be told, I'm not actually being me at all even to the people I'm out to because others might see me! It's so hard work and I'm so tired of it, that I'm nearly crying as I do my final type edit on this The things that stops me is I don't want to be stereotyped, because I can be camp, but I'm really not a stereotype gay guy, I really don't fit the box. Maybe that makes me sound bad? and I'm wrong because we come in all shapes and sizes. There is...and I've read this, the underlying feeling that I will let people down, I think this common. I'm not 100% who, but that's in the back of my mind. In a way I feel selfish, but I'm not, this my life after all. I also read the "Stages of Coming out" on here, it resonates so well with me. Thanks for posting that by the way, it makes me feel a bit more normal. I consider myself strong willed and a strong person but if I don't come out soon, I'll never do something like take my life - life is precious in whatever form it takes - but I feel so close to a breaking down because I feel (I know!) my life is way out of control now and the answer is two stupid words away. I think tomorrow I'm going to start writing everything from start to finish
You know what, very few people of any type are what stereotypes portray. Stereotypes exist for a reason however they are not the only answer. So you don't want to be stereotypical - that's perfectly fine. You will find gay people who act straight, straight people who act gay, and every variation in between. I'm a lesbian. I'm also married to a man and we have three pretty fantastic children. I'm not, and never will be, a racing butch duke. And that's okay... and it's also okay that there are women who are. Be who you want to be and not who society tells you to be.
So long as your parents don't do anything drastic like kick you out (they seem decent so it doesn't appear that it is a problem) then you should be fine. They may be shocked or upset at first, but they may act better than what you think, especially as they have so many children and therefore can get grandkids from them. Everyone gets stereotyped, but people who know you and love you recognise your personality. There is no easy way to say it, but its better to get it out in the open than have it constantly hanging over you.
