Hey guys, I am male, 21 years old and recently "questioning" my sexuality. This one will be pretty long, to cover my sexual past and all my intimate thoughts concerning this topic. I started watching porn around age 12 or 13. First, it was just the normal vanilla stuff, then it became lesbian porn, threesomes, cum compilations and anal sex, humiliation etc. but I always looked at girls in porn and when i saw gay sex ads, was wierded out and clicked it away. I have fallen in love with girls several times from age 12 to age 19 and had been disappointed pretty much every time. I had a strange masturbation technique as well I preferred, which was to masturbate by putting a high pressure on my penis by just squeezing it into my palms, sometimes laying on the stomach and sometimes on the back. I sometimes masturbated up to 5 times a day when I was bored, too, without my penis being necessarily erect. I think that I developed this technique because I was never allowed to lock my door and noone would knock at my door when entering my room, so by being able to masturbate this way, I could be very sneaky about it. I could masturbate without even really moving, just by putting high pressure on my penis. But nowadays, I can also easily masturbate normally. My sexlife so far has been pretty horrible; I suffered from erectile disfunction/anorgasmia with every girl I was with. The first time I had sex, I remember I wasn't into the girl very much and so it didn't really work out. The second time I attempted to have sex, I had taken a girl home from a club there and was ready to go, but I didn't have a condom and so we didn't have sex, so we met again but her sister took a guy home as well and while they were going at it in the room next to us, I just couldn't get it up that way and felt huge anxiety about not being able to perform, she also got me understanding that this was not normal. The next girl I had sex with was a girl I fell in love with. I could perform without trouble, but I could simply not orgasm from sex with her. My dick just felt numb and as a result, I got bored from just hammering for 30 minutes or so. At that point, it really became a problem for me. I had thought that by f*cking her well and make it pleasurable for her, I could keep her mine, even though i didn't really enjoy the sex physically to the point I would orgasm. I started using viagra to be able to keep it up longer and used it a few times since, also for one-night-stands. She ignored me soon (seemingly because she just wanted to have fun and got bored) and broke my heart like no girl before, I even got a bit stalkerish on her in the end. The next girl I had "sex" with was really weird before we started going at it, and when she started crying I just stopped. When I looked at my sheets, I saw that they were all red and that I had taken her virginity. This was pretty unpleasurable as experience. After that, I had found a sexy f*ckbuddy who had a very tight and nice body and the best was her tiny p*ssy (sorry guys but I don't know how to say it differently). One time when we had sex, I even got close to orgasming when i entered her without a condom after a long session and me being relaxed, but I had to pull out because I didn't want to risk her to become pregnant. This one ended and then came a girl who added another problem. That one indirectly told me my penis was too small for her. This and other more or less related reasons made me never really get hard on her and I ended it very soon. Another time in a club, some random girl spontaneously grabbed my dick and afterwards showed me the "small" sign with her fingers while smiling. Since then, I have a big ego issue concerning my penis size and I would look at huge penises thinking "Wow how awesome would it be to have this size and dominating girls with it" I think these incidents have since made me nervous about a girl touching my penis. When dancing, I would avoid them touching/feeling me down there before I am erect because I would be anxious about being called small again. So the anxiety would already start before I would see them naked. I would always tell myself "get an erection now so you can get closer to her and so she can see you're not small!" Riddiculous, I know. That way, my next 3 or 4 ONS were a disaster as well. I would always think, when I put my pants down, "JUST GET IT UP NOW FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!" Of course, it would not work or I'd lose my erection quickly. But until that point, I would never think I could be gay, because I would always see guys as rivals for girls, would always be annoyed by too many guys around me because that'd mean I would have a lesser chance scoring chicks etc. Well, about 8 months ago, I came across some Shemale porn which was pretty arousing. Let me tell you that I have a big thing for anal sex in porn, it has always been much more arousing for me than vaginal sex (in porn), because it seems like rough, animalistic dominance in its pure form. I have, for years, fantasized about f*cking girls in their asses, seeing the awe in their faces like in porn, but could never try it out. Somehow, when seeing these transsexuals, I would like the idea that there would be no alternative for them to have sex different from anal penetration, while still looking like beautiful women. This has something interestingly unhuman to me. Well, I stopped looking at it after 2 or 3 times and started questionning myself for the first time. After that, I could come from intense blowjobs and handjobs, but only if I imagined having anal sex with a girl/Ladyboy. Yet, I would not feel attracted to guys and only to girls. So I stopped wondering about whether I could not be heterosexual and started looking for physical causes like low testosterone, low libido or insensitivity of the penis. This didn't seem likely and my testosterone, although low, was in the normal range, and since I could masturbate normally, I think one can rule out physical causes. So I thought it must be something psychological. -This started my questionning phase. So far it has happened a few times that when people talk to me in my intimate zone (<30 cm) for some time and am not interested in what they are telling me, as it is the case in clubs, I strangely ask myself what it would be like if I kissed them while they are talking to me. It happened with guys and girls, but when it's with guys it would make me think "Wow that's gay". -one day, I read on a forum that "if you can imagine doing something with a guy and not be grossed out, you're gay!" I started asking myself if I would be grossed out, started taking that Kinsey Test etc. That night, I went out predrinking with a friend and he had invited his friend, a good-looking guy. Usually, I would've thought "Dang that guy probably gets all the chicks" while there I thought "Goddamn you're so gay why do you think he's goodlooking?!" Although not sexual, these thoughts ruined my night and made me cry in the next morning. What if I was gay? That would be the explanation for my sexual failures etc. From then on, I compulsively looked at any guy on the street, trying to imagine what it'd be like to have sex with him, no matter what he looked like. I looked at guys on TV/in magazines to find out if I find them sexually attractive, what it would be like to have sex with a guy... I started to test myself on masturbating to gay thoughts, then to straight thoughts etc. This phase faded after two days or so. When I tried to have sex with a girl who gave me erections alone by kissing me but me not being able to keep it up for longer than a few seconds after penetration, the thoughts came back at full strength. I got headaches from thinking so much about this. After some time, I realised my attraction to girls coming back, my natural fantasies were about girls again etc. but doubt is still coming when I see a goodlooking guy, when I start wondering if I simply think he's goodlooking or if I am attracted to him. When thinking about having sex with girls now, I have developed some kind of avoidance and anxiety, about me not being able to get it up and all that. I started therapy yesterday as well. What do you guys think? What could my issues be about? Am I really gay? Am I anxious when it comes to sex? Something else? What is it?
