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the day I woke up gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by dan89, Mar 22, 2014.

  1. dan89

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    Right my story is confusing the hell out of me. I can't get a second to myself. Here it goes. Alloy childhood I was interested in women then when increased my teens the attractions turned Sexual, I loved everything about the female body, I wasn't confused, I wasn't in denial. I had been very Sexual from the age of 13. I was in love by the age of 15-17. I was 100 percent straight. I have ocd, and one random night I went to bed and woke up with the obsession I was gay. I was suicidal for 6 months, I had no attractions to men what so ever. It was just the words "you're gay" over and over again. But my sexuality died in my sleep I was no longer attracted to anyone, I had become asexual over night. I came out to my parents and everything, then the obsession went away over night as it came on, but my sexuality never returned. I then moved to Thailand at 19 and became very Sexual. Although I tricked myself into thinking I was normal. Fell in love with a girl which lasted years. Then the ocd came back, still no attractions. 6 months later it went away again, slept around alot, I mean over 100 women, I used to think back to them times and think how lucky I was I didn't come out as gay and told people. Now here I am I'm 25 almost a year ago I met my soul mate, she is absolutely perfection for me, I loved her so much it's ridiculous. Happiest I've ever been, everyone has told me it's the best they have ever seen me, then almost 5 months ago the obsession came back, this time I did what I was told not to do, I checked and checked, to start it was relief from the anxiety, I would watch gay porn 20 times a day, to check arousal, not once did I even feel a twinge, then something changed in my head, I started to try and prove to myself I'm gay, don't know why this happened and guess what, I'm now finding guys attractive, and it's everyone, thoughts and feeling I haven't felt in years, what the hell happened I feel like I'm the only person to turn gay, I know I wasn't before, it pisses me off when people say I was born this is way because I know I wasn't, I used to be straighter than I am gay now. I'm still hating the attractions and myself, this doesn't feel real, everyday I wake up thinking it was a dream, I wasnt gay, hell I've been involved in 3 ways with one girl and 2 guys, never ever felt the need to look at him, just the occasional high five. I'm a pillar of straightness except now I'm not. This is ridiculous. I feel nothing when I look at women any more, I can still only Masterbate to women, gay porn doesn't do anything for me either but I'm filled with anxiety, the fact I have ocd only makes this harder for me. When I close my eyes and think about women I still get hard but in real life I feel nothing. I try to say I'm bi but it doesn't sit, I'm sure I have turned gay. My gf says it's in my head, but the truth is its not. I have gone from straight to asexual to gay. Wtf this isn't a realisation because I know I was straight once. It sounds ridiculous as I say it but my ocd.turned me gay. And.please don't say none turns gay because in all honesty no one has any real idea what makes.someone gay it's all speculation. Can anyone Relate? I'm in no way a homophobe, Ive had a few gay mates in my life, and my cousins gay, I've told my family and my old best friend who is a girl that I'm gay, eveylryone doesn't believe me, my bf offered.to experiment with me so we.made out, something I dreamt of all my teenage years even tho I got an election I.felt no buzz like my sextile has been for a few years now. I'm so confused I hate this, I miss my attractions to.females, even tho my same sex attractions suck I could live with them if I had attractions for women.
     
  2. DeLuna

    DeLuna Guest

    You can't "wake up gay"..........
     
  3. dan89

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    I've been suicide for months now. I hate what's happened to me, I have no worries what people think of me, but the fact I'm losing and Guna lose my gf kills me everyday, she is the reason I hate it so much, I cry everytime I think about her. She's living across the seas atm which helps me massively in the guilt feeling, I've told.her everything and she is.being very supportive

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2014 at 10:23 PM ----------

    See I knew someone would say that. Unless u have experienced it you can't say
    Everything that you could possibly think of has happened to someone somewhere once
     
  4. DeLuna

    DeLuna Guest

    Ok....... :slight_smile: I will try to help you, buddy!! Just, please take a breath....... <3




    Firstly, I envy you for being brave enough to post some of your story on here..That takes guts!!



    Your reaching out for help which is also very good!!!!





    Have you ever thought that you have always been gay but have been in denieal for a long time?? Just a thought.
     
  5. dan89

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    Hey no I can honestly say that's not the case. I used to be straight till I was 18 then when I woke up that day nothings been right since
    sinc. But I remember the day clearly. I know I was straight. It's possible I've been in denial since that day but I had no attractions to men until a few months ago, but I was very much sexuality attracted to females until then. I remember who I was attracted to, I remember the girls I was attracted to, u even remember this girl I saw at a train station once, I remember the sex. It's not all in my head. I'm coming off crazy and in all fairness I feel like I am, I promise I was straight, lieing to myself achieves nothing, I've been very open about everything that's happening to me

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2014 at 10:39 PM ----------

    I know.people say they used to think they were straight but I actually was. Otherwise I wouldn't know what attraction feels like, my attractions to females was far greater than they are to men now
     
  6. DeLuna

    DeLuna Guest

    I can't say for sure but I feel its just a hormonal imbalance in you right now or you could possibly be bisexual...........but I doubt that your bisexual........

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2014 at 12:43 PM ----------

    I honestly don't think your "crazy".. <3 Your just lost right now and trying to find your way......... I think your brave.
     
  7. dan89

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    I just don't know. The thing is I'm incredibly liberal and an atheist which helps. And I really have no problems with homosexuals, infact I really like them, my favourite people on TV r gay and I often go round my gay mates house for dinner, and living in Thailand I've been chatted up by gay men almost daily and have many ladyboy friends but I just can't see myself being gay, it feels so alien and weird, I just can't believe it. I've had so many opportunities if I was gay that I would have known, I've had thai massages from gay guys, slept and as a word traveller I've slept in bed with countless guys and often spent long times on the road with them and never felt a thing. I feel like someone has swapped my brain and left a tiny part of me on there, fighting. Hell if I am gay I'm Guna make the worst gay guy ever, sorry to stereotype but I am.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2014 at 10:53 PM ----------

    Even my mum says I'm Guna make the worst gay guy ever

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2014 at 10:56 PM ----------

    Plus if I was gay then surely after spending 6 months twice completely overrun with sexuality ocd saying I was gay twice I would have walked away gay, but this time is different. I'm attracted to guys, even when I write this I just think Wtf.how does this happen

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2014 at 10:57 PM ----------

    I've heard with bisexual some r very fluid. And their orientation changes from time to time. Is that true?

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2014 at 10:57 PM ----------

    I've heard with bisexual some r very fluid. And their orientation changes from time to time. Is that true?

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2014 at 10:57 PM ----------

    I've heard with bisexual some r very fluid. And their orientation changes from time to time. Is that true?
     
  8. DeLuna

    DeLuna Guest

    Please be careful what you refer to people on here as.. "Ladyboy" is an pornographic term insult to trans people........ I personally don't think you meant any harm from it but some people on here are suicidal and that term may really hurt them....... Just be cautious of what terms you use please...... <3



    I suggest that you go see a therapist.. I'm not a shrink or expert......






    I think you need more help than what a forum can give.
     
  9. dan89

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    Oh sorry ofcourse I meant no harm, just living there for so long that's how they refer to them selves. No offence intended by anymeans,

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2014 at 11:07 PM ----------

    I am seeing a shrink and even he doesn't understand, I start cognitive behaviour therapy next week too to combat my ocd. Ergh this sucks
    When I think of guys I've always just seen friends and thought of friends, I can't imagine being Sexual with guys which doesn't help me work stuff out because I can't bring myself to experiment,
     
  10. DeLuna

    DeLuna Guest

    Yes, gender and sexuality can be very fluid.. It is very possible that you are bi.
     
  11. pinklov3ly

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    I've never heard of anyone, who is legitimately attracted to the same sex say that they woke up gay/bisexual. However, I've heard some people say that they "discovered" these feelings and sometimes, out of the blue. And after they do a little bit of soul searching, they realize that they were always overly friendly with their same sex friends growing up -like I was.

    Again, that is not the case for everyone. How did you feel about boys growing up, during grade school?
     
    #11 pinklov3ly, Mar 22, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2014
  12. KyleD

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    Are you sexually attracted to men?
     
  13. dan89

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    Oh god let's hope in another few years I don't wake up female then lol, that would really mess my head up lol, I gotta try see some humour in this atleast. I want to thank you for your words, it's means the world to me. As this is the worst time of my life it's nice to talk.
     
  14. KyleD

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    Who do you fantasize being with - a man or a woman?
     
  15. DeLuna

    DeLuna Guest

    I like your spirit..Its sometimes good to laugh at serious stuff........:slight_smile: No need to thank me for anything, I just know how life can be a real bigot sometimes........ I am always here if you ever need someone to talk to!! :slight_smile:


    You can make it through this, buddy!! You seem like a very strong person...... <3




    Just take a minute and forget about everyone else.. Just forget about what everyone else thinks for a second or 2.....Now tell me what you see.
     
  16. dan89

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    I felt nothing around guys. I was always one of the lads. Always the alpha male in school. No I promise there is no discovering these feelings
    I was legitalmly attracted to the opposite sex. Like I said before I have no reason to lie to people I don't know. I remember getting turned on by the imperfections of a female body, I remember sitting in KFC once with my xgf and just getting turned on looking at her small hands, I remember sitting in assembly 1st day at school not being able to take my eyes off this girl Freddie, but that's gone and now I feel attracted to guys,
     
  17. KyleD

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    Then why do you think you're gay?

     
  18. dan89

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    I don't really fantasise anymore, when I Masterbate I think of girls and it's always easy to get the job done but the images are becoming weaker, I try think of guys but it's difficult, the images are there but I don't know what to think about as this is so new and alien to me, I've been one way all my life now I'm another. It still kinda grosses me out, im becoming desensitised to it more everyday but it still doesn't feel right.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2014 at 11:29 PM ----------

    I think I'm gay because I'm not attracted to women anymore I'm attracted to guys
     
  19. KyleD

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    From what you describe you're straight. You're OCD is making you believe your gay.

     
  20. dan89

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    I dunno, I used to think that but the longer I more I think and break away my denial the more attracted to guys I become, if this my ocd fair play to that coz it has tricked me something major but I really don't think that's the case. I wish I did but I just don't.