I've never spoken in this much detail to anyone before, and thought this might be a good place for it. For a long time now, I've identified as asexual. But sometimes I wonder if I'm actually some sort of in-denile gay. For lack of a better term, have 'fantasized' about other boys, but that sort of feeling never arises when I'm actually near them. On a couple of occasions, another boy would get kind of "creepy", but I would never be turned on, especially when their clothes are lacking. It's like I'm gay in my head, but completely asexual in real life. I've never dated anyone, nor have I had the interest to do so. This was difficult for me to write, and I hope someone can help me. Even if it's impossible to determine my sexual orientation definitively, I just don't know what to tell people when they ask, though I feel most comfortable saying I'm asexual. Can anyone help me?
In my opinion, you're neither asexual or homoromantic, in part because those terms aren't recognized by any credible sources and are rarely of any real use in figuring out who you are and what's going on for you. So first, throw away the labeling idea for now. Second, let's look at what you're actually feeling: This alone tells us you aren't asexual. You've got sexual fantasies going on toward guys. You haven't gone into a lot of detail here, but if you're masturbating to these fantasies, then that's a normal, regular sexual attraction for someone who's gay. So here we need to dig a little bit deeper. If the All Knowing Good Fairy were to appear from the sky and you were to ask her, knowing she'd know the absolute answer, and she were to tap you with her wand and say "Thou Is Most Certainly Gay"... how would you honestly feel? Relieved? Terrified? Upset? Happy? Putting aside the imagery of some fairy in a tutu, it's a serious question. If you absolutely knew tomorrow you were gay, what would your response be? My guess is it wouldn't be sunshine and rainbows with happiness, and if I'm right, that tells me that the real issue here is you're not yet fully comfortable with the idea that you're gay, and comfortable with what being gay means. That, in turn, could easily explain why you don't feel like you want a boyfriend. If I'm right about the above, then there's likely a fear (perhaps not even conscious) that having a boyfriend, or even experimenting and having a hookup would make the idea of being gay "real", and difficult to deny, and, at some level, conscious or otherwise, that scares you to death. I've seen exactly this sort of thing in a number of people... they don't particularly feel any attraction or want to have sex, but once they get past the discomfort of accepting themselves, and the fear that goes with getting into that first relationship... once they're in it, suddenly sexual desire, attraction, arousal, and all of those things start to manifest themselves. That's one of the big reasons I'm so quick to rally against the broad misuse of the "asexual" term because in a very large portion of cases, it's the situation above, not a defined, hardwired sexual orientation, that's making the person feel the way they do. Of course... I could be completely off the mark here, and if I am, then we need to poke around some more and gain some additional understanding. Please feel free to agree, disagree, clarify, or whatever suits you. The bottom line is... we're here to help
@Chip, I think you are completely right on every account. I simply can't find a way to argue, so I'm not going to try. Thank you.
I disagree completely. I have never been attracted to anyone, or felt any sexual feelings whatsoever. The only label that is at all useful in explaining my sexuality is to call myself asexual. And as for 'credible sources', does scientific research count? Because there are a bunch of scientific studies into asexuality: http://www.pinktherapy.com/portals/0/CourseResources/Sexualities-2011-Carrigan-462-78.pdf http://dspace.brunel.ac.uk/bitstream/2438/4762/1/Fulltext.pdf http://www.academia.edu/download/30974804/Brotto___Yule__2011_-_Physiological___Subjective_Arousal_in_Asexual_Women_-_ASB.pdf http://www.demographic-research.org/Volumes/Vol23/18/23-18.pdf?origin=publication_detail http://prod.obgyn.ubc.ca/SexualHealth/documents/Brotto%20et%20al.%202010-%20Asexuality%20...%20%7B%7B2206%7D%7D.pdf Asexuality is a real thing. You've been told that over and over on this forum. It's not being repressed, it's not a medical problem, it's not someone who just wants to be celibate - it's someone who does not feel any sexual attraction. You know how a gay guy feels about women? We feel that way about everyone. It's as simple as that.
@Ettina: I agree with you about the existence of asexuality, but in this particular case, i agree with Chip. Tethernova isn't asexual, apparently.
Whether Tethernova is asexual or gay makes no difference to the point I was trying to make. Imagine if he'd been asking 'am I gay or bi?' (a common question) and instead of talking about how to tell the difference between the two, Chip had come in saying that bisexuality didn't exist and bisexuals were either gays in denial or straight attention-seekers. Even if the OP turned out to be gay rather than bi, that response would not be very helpful.
OP, how old are you? That alone might answer some questions. If you're 13, it wouldn't be abnormal that you're not interested in sex yet.
I love it Chip, being in a similar boat as the op (trying to decide between homo-asexual or just flat-out gay) your insights are very helpful. As for me I'm trying not to worry so much about labels but trying to answer the question of how to achieve intimacy with another person given the feelings I have. I think one can just go around in circles with the label question and never get around to the business of relationship building.
