Questioning?!?!?!

Hello World, it’s me. Who am I? well, for the most part, That’s my little secret. I want to keep this blog as anonymous as possible for the time being, and you’ll see why soon. Let me tell you a few things just for reference…first of all, I am an 18 year old girl. I am a freshman in college and I am studying nursing. I love to hang out with my friends, but I also love going on adventures by myself. I come from a medium-sized family that is nowhere close to perfect, but I love them to pieces. I love dogs, I am SUCH a dog person and have a mastiff and a great dane back at home. Hmm what else… this year has been crazy for me. I moved away to a kick-ass city for college, and I’m starting to feel pretty comfortable with who I am.

Except for one thing… my sexuality.

I guess I’ll start by giving some background. I was raised by a Catholic family, therefore I was raised with Catholic ideals. However, the parish I attend has NEVER ONCE bashed LGBTQ. I was taught the true meaning of the word “catholic,” which means universal. I was taught to love everybody, regardless of race, sexuality, gender, what crimes they could have committed, etc… no matter what I was told to love thy neighbor. Of course, there are people in my parish and even people in my family (immediate and distant) who are against it or feel uncomfortable about anything other than heterosexual ideas, but as a whole we were taught to be accepting. I am not speaking on behalf of the worldwide Catholic Church and of everyone who follows this religion because I do respect difference of opinions, I’m just talking about what I was taught. I’m giving you my religious background because I do not feel that it is something I need to worry about. In other words, no matter what sexuality I am, there are people there who will still love and support me. Heck, I honestly believe that even God will still love me.

So being raised with those morals really helped me become an accepting person. I always thought of myself as a bit of an oddball and different from everyone else, but I was always okay with it. When I was in eighth grade, things started to change. I started noticing boys (duh) AND girls in a different way. By this time I have followed the norm of having a different boyfriend basically every other week, but as the girls started to develop and grow, I noticed them too. I was so embarrassed to catch myself looking at them longer than I probably should have, and after surfing the internet for answers, I came to the conclusion that I was just going through a phase. After all, according to these websites, everyone becomes suuuuper sexual in their adolescent years. um, okay internet whatever you say. So I brushed my feelings under the rug and continued obsessing over boys, like the “normal” girls did.

Now we’ve reached High School, yaaaaay! Freshman year, I was making all sorts of new friends and having a great time doing it, that I didn’t worry too much about my odd feelings about girls. Just figured it was still a phase. This was also the year that my first serious relationship started. I loved the boy and to this day I still believe that I loved him. And I was attracted to him, he was my first kiss, first guy to make out with, the first (and to this point only) guy to ever see me naked and…. you get the idea. Somehow I’m still a virgin, dont know how I managed that one. Anyways, during the few years we were dating, I was focused mainly on him. However, I would definitely find myself attracted to some girls, and I would spend time fantasizing about what it would be like if we were dating. But I figured hey, I’m straight… I’m dating a boy so obviously I’m straight. On top of it all, I went to an all girls high school, and there were at least two or three girls there that I did become attracted to and have feelings for… all straight. of course. Being at an all girls school also meant plenty of rumors… I remember the girls there whispering about who they thought were lesbians and they would act all grossed out. I would play along, but secretly I would have admiration for the girls who may or may not be lesbians. That was basically all that happened to me in high school. I had some crushes on guys, but I also had crushes on girls. When the boy and I broke up, I genuinely thought of experimenting and seeing if I really did like girls, but I was too afraid of ridicule and change, so i concealed my feelings.


So here comes college, yaaaay! I can honestly say that this has been the best year of my life. Not only have I stayed in touch with my best friends from high school, but I’ve made some great friends here too. One of them is my roommate and she introduced me to the band Tegan and Sara. I loved their music the moment I listened to it, and wanted to know more about them. When I looked up pictures of them I was shocked at how attracted I was to them, and even more shocked to find that they were both lesbians and great activists. So I continued to listen to their music and read their interviews, and the thought that I might be attracted to girls slowly creeped into my head again. Before this gets too odd for me, I just want you to know that I don’t have feelings for any of my friends… the only feelings I have are “wow, these are some funny people! wooho!”

But I did at one point feel really attracted to one of them. It started one night when we were all hanging out in this guys dorm room drinking. We were playing truth or dare and I was dared to kiss two of my girl friends. I shrugged my shoulders and was like eh, why not. The first girl I kissed I was like ok and thought nothing of it. Strangely enough, the second girl I kissed I was like woah…. I definitely felt sparks, and that scared the shit out of me. After that sometimes when the girl and I would hang out I would get huge butterflies and all I wanted to do was hold her hand or tell her how I felt, because I honestly thought she felt the same way. She would always lean closer to me while we were talking and we would always lay together and watch tv… I felt (and still feel) pretty dumb for ever having feelings for her, but I couldn’t control it. She eventually started constantly talking to me about how much she hates people who are gay and she is completely against it, so I stopped liking her like that. And now I don’t have those feelings at all towards her because she has proven to not be my type, and she lies all the time. Still, there was an undeniable chemistry between us. I still sometimes feel it when she crawls into my bed with me or holds my hand… ugh. But like I said, I do not see myself wanting to be with her… also because she sleeps with guys all the time.

and since this time I’ve been fantasizing about having a boyfriend, but I’ve also spent a lot of time fantasizing about having a girlfriend too and what kind of girl I would be attracted to, blah blah blah. It’s almost been constant though. So what genuinely made me decide to do something about my feelings? well I had a dream last night that I had a girlfriend, and it was so vivid and amazing and I woke up not only feeling extremely turned on, but also optimistic that I COULD have a relationship with another girl if I wanted to and that it would still be just as fulfilling as a heterosexual relationship.

So now I’ve told you almost everything. Now it’s today and I’m wondering if I should finally do something about these feelings. I want to know if I genuinely do get attracted to some girls….

I want to confirm what I’ve been suspicious of for a long time, that I’m bisexual.

I don’t think this journey of self discovery will be an easy one. I think that I’m afraid of what the truth might or might not be, and I’m afraid of ridicule. I’m scared I’ll be judged by the public. I’m scared I’ll lose friends and have strained relationships with family members if something were to come out of this… but I can’t keep hiding something that obviously has been on my mind for years. I know exactly where the LGBTQ alliance center is at my school, and I need to muster up all the confidence I can to just walk in there. I want someone to talk to here.

 

Thanks for the help!! I've decided that I want to try to meet some girls and see if I do have connections with any of them, but I don't know where to start!! any suggestions? Thanks

 

Ummmmmmm..what happens if you date a girl and you don't even turn out close to gay..???? Huh..!! What happens if that girl gets attach to you and falls in love with you, if your not gay?? You seriously got to be careful, don't break some innocent girl's heart possibly just to test yourself..........

 

Okay it obviously looks like I need to clarify some things. When I say experiment I do not mean sleeping around or dating a ton of girls. Believe it or not, I do have a heart and I do care about people, and I do not want to hurt anyone. I simply want to meet people who are in similar situations as me and TALK. That's it. I'm not trying to be promiscuous and screw around. But what happens if when getting to know these people, I do find that I have a connection with someone? I feel that I will pursue it, just as anyone else would. I've been hurt in the past, everyone has. But I'm not setting out to break hearts. I know it's been done but that's not who I am.

I appreciate your concern but I also want you to know that I will be careful and I just want to learn about myself and form new friendships. If a relationship comes from that then that's great.

 

Thanks guys! Hopefully mustering up enough courage to go to a GSA meeting tonight!

 

It's a gay straight alliance meeting but I just looked again and it's an LGBTQ alliance meeting (I don't know if there's a difference) but I think either way I'll try to go! And I hope I don't sound dumb when asking this, but what exactly do you mean by being upfront with someone? I definitely want to be but I don't know what to say :icon_redf