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Married and Confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by mm216, Mar 23, 2014.

  1. mm216

    Regular Member

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    I've been married to a man for 3 years now, and we've been together for ten years. We've never had a strong sexual relationship. In fact, most of our relationship has been non-sexual, mostly just our love and enjoyment of one another, lots of laughs and cuddling, being best friends. When it comes to sex we have had lots of problems. We have had a handful of times where I was able to open up and actually enjoy sex, and felt very connected with him afterwards, but that's not much over a span of ten years. We have decided to really work on this area in a focused way, but now that we are starting to, I am beginning to question my sexuality.

    I have never had a relationship or sexual experience with a woman since I started "dating" or being in relationships. However, when I was under the age of ten, I had a few experiences masturbating with other girls my age, kind of like playing doctor or something. I was so young, I just remember feeling weird, ashamed, confused after the fact. I don't remember much of the actual experience.

    In jr high I had a few boyfriends and enjoyed kissing them and getting attention from them. I had a few girl friends that I heard were experimenting with each other, and I was actually attracted to them (though I don't know that I realized that at the time), but I stuck with guys. My first love was a guy, and I do recall having enjoyment from having sex with him in the beginning, but we got caught a few times and our parents shamed us so much that I shut down and wanted nothing to do with sex for the rest of our relationshp (about 1.5 years). After that I mostly had one night stands with guy acquaintances and was only able to really let go and enjoy sex when really drunk or so supremely lonely that I needed to get some just to have an emotional connection. I did have one guy that I was really able to enjoy sex with, but he was bi-sexual and on the feminine side and very good at pleasing a woman (which my husband also happens to be more on the sensitive, feminine side).

    I had a best friend soon after highschool who fell in love with me, but I was so focused on some unattainable guy I blew off her feelings and told her she was just confused. I always look back and wonder what could have been with her. I think I was attracted to her.

    I have had physical attractions to women, and more admitted them to myself after I was 24 or so. But I never did anything about it. I met my husband around that time and over the years we've talked about how I'm attracted to women and probably bi. But I think we both also secretly question if I am full on lesbian. When I fantasize it's 80% about women. The only time my sexual fantasies involve men is when it's dark, aggressive, dominating, non-consenting stuff. I do like the love scenes in movies with men and women when they are more soft and romantic, or super passionate, but what really gets me sexually aroused is woman on woman. Most of my long term relationships with men in my love life have been about what support they provide me emotionally, and the sex was just something I had to do to get that support.

    When I think about being with a super hot woman versus being with a super hot man, I feel more aroused by the woman. I love getting attention from men, but when I think about sex, a womans body is what does it for me. Honestly, it's been an issue in my relationship that I'm not a fan of penises, in general they gross me out. But thats not to say I think vaginas are all that great either. I find breasts very arousing though. However, watching a super hot love scene with say, Channing Tatum, will do it for me. As you can see, I'm very confused.

    Mostly what brought up this questioning is last night I was hanging out with my best friend. We have drifted apart recently and it was nice to reconnect again. At the end of the night it was really hard to say goodbye and I had a very strong urge to kiss her. I'm not sure if it was just an urge because I was feeling more connected with her or what. And I have thought of kissing her in the past a couple times. But she is not necessarily someone I would consider myself physically attracted to. I don't look at her and feel turned on by her body, but sadly the same is true of being turned on by my husband. Maybe I am just generally screwed up when it comes to sex and has nothing to do with orientation. Any gentle, kind, honest feedback would be appreciated. I want to really emphasize the gentle, honest, and kind as this is very painful and scary for me to share or even consider in myself, as it has repercussions for my life and people I love. Thank you. :help:
     
  2. katwat

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    Hi there

    I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. Also sorry that your thread has not been found by someone who has gone through something similar to you and who can offer you sound advice.

    I just wanted to let you know that someone found your message and is wishing you well. If no one else spots this message and replies very soon you might want to copy and paste it and repost it to a new thread. Sometimes putting "please help" or "need advice" in the thread header will get more people checking your thread.

    Also you can always do a private message with an EC rep. There is always someone there and they will respond quickly.

    Good luck to you. Hope you find the help you need to sort things out very soon.
     
  3. marie77

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    I'm not sure how much help I can be to you. I'm also questioning myself. I've known about my attraction to women for a long time but recently I've started wondering if I am actually a lesbian instead of bisexual.

    I have enjoyed sex with men in the past but in general I find women much more attractive than men. I also fantasize more about/am more turned on by women but I have been told that fantasies are not necessarily a predictor of attraction in real life. They are fantasies.

    I remember once I had my first boyfriend, I was very disappointed. I always thought it was because he was a jerk (controlling, lying, etc.) but now I wonder if it was because the whole boyfriend thing wasn't all it had cracked up to be in general. I have gone through depression off and on since that time (even a little bit before) and have always felt different from others (although I thought it was because of other factors but maybe not).

    Lately I have been trying to figure out what attraction is and who I am attracted to. I think we can be attracted to people physically, emotionally, mentally, and in other ways perhaps. I am not physically attracted to very many people, men or women but definitely more women than men.

    I'm not sure this is any help, but I can definitely relate to feeling confused and upset. For me it is helping to really think about and pay attention to who I am attracted to and why. I would read upon bisexuality and also asexual if you haven't already. And reading threads in this forum really has helped me too.

    Welcome! :slight_smile:
     
  4. mm216

    Regular Member

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    Thank you both so much, it's helpful just to connect and feel support, and knowing others are going through what I am going through. Thank you!
     
  5. valerie247

    Regular Member

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    I dont have any advice or help for you. But Im right there with you being in a marriage to a man and having a lot at stake. :frowning2:

    I have accepted that I am absolutely a lesbian, but I cannot think of anytime I have found a man sexually attractive. I think I am attracted to a mans attention, and am attracted to a certain style, but its never extended into sexual attraction for me. I told my husband that I am bisexual, and I believe he knows deep down that Im not into men like that. Unfortunately, I have been trying to reassure him of how sexy I find him over the years, so Ive dug a hole for myself. :frowning2: He has terrible self image and I want him to know he is an attractive sexy guy, but Ive been lying to say that its that way for me.

    I think youve done the right thing being open about your sex life with him. I wish I had done the same. That will be so helpful in being honest with yourself.