Would appreciate anything that you think and if there’s anything that that's possible to help, Cheers in advance! Going back about 3 years, I started looking at men when out in the street and thinking “oh you’re nice” and stuff like that, and didn't really look out for girls. My friends however, were the opposite. I just thought oh cool and said “yeah she’s nice” whenever they asked just to get them off my back. I then started to ask the question “am I gay?” to myself then shoved the thought to the back of my head in denial and thought “no you’re not, you like girls” and stuff like that. Those thoughts then re-surfaced near Christmas. Just before Christmas, me and my dad saw my auntie in a shop, had a conversation, then there was a break in the conversation so I pulled out my phone and she peered over and asked “any girls?”, I replied “no” then my dad piped up and said “I think he might be gay, I hope he’s not but… oh well.” My face turned bright red with embarrassment. We then said our goodbyes and left it there. In the car on the way home, I was silent, didn’t say a word or anything, just stared out the window and avoided any eye contact with him. Since then, my minds been spiralling out of control, constantly asking myself the question “Did he really ask that?”, “how can he think that?” and “am I really interested in the same gender?”, basically the question that I shoved to the back of my mind for 3 years. In school, I have been slacking due to this one topic being on my mind more than once a day (not a good thing due to me having exams soon). I haven’t been concentrating on my work as much when compared to what I was like before what my dad said what he did and I tend to go to sleep from the moment I come home from school until 9PM to try and ‘escape’ everything that’s going through my head. Due to this I have become stressed and even a little depressed. A few times I have also had the temptation to ask my maths teacher, who’s supportive and defensive for help, however, I chicken out when going to go up to her room. I just think “You’re fine now, no point. Just go to break, finish the day and you’ll be fine.” This has been on-going for 4 months and I’ve had enough. I haven’t spoken to anyone in order to get things off my chest or even to chip away lightly at the subject and yes, I know it’s bad to keep things like this in and that I’m going to crack open sooner or later and spill things or eventually break down. Every night I can’t sleep, I stay up until 2AM or 3AM on a school night just thinking about my sexuality, beating myself up in the head; it’s mentally and physically exhausting for me, leaving me drained for the following day. The tiniest of things irritate me that normally wouldn’t and anyone who asks for help, I would just get snappy at and refuse them any help, which isn’t like the ‘normal’ me. Since then I seem to have come to terms a little bit more with the fact that I’m gay but some days I still feel worthless and like a waste of space, and I still think “no you’re not” if I’m in a really bad mood. P.S. sorry for the long post!
Hey there Galaxy. I understand how the situation is difficult for you atm, I went through a similar experience a few years ago, It sounds like you have kept a lot of this to yourself for a while. Main thing is finding some one who you would feel comfortable talking to about what you are going through, it would help you process things and find support. You mentioned thinking of talking to your maths teacher, if she is supportive like you say it sounds like a good idea to book some time to have a wee chat when you are ready. It's easy to say it, but don't worry and take your time these things have a way of working out for the better. Best of luck on your exams! take care, K
