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lesbian in a hetero marriage

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by valerie247, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. valerie247

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2014
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    109
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Cross posting this....this part of the forum seems to fit.

    I don't have anyone to discuss this with, and I think I need a community where I can be open about all of this.

    My history: I was raised in a conservative Christian family. Homosexuality is considered a phase to be prayed through, a sin to act on, and described as the devil moving in. Nothing new to some of you, I'm sure. I knew that I was attracted to women starting in about junior high. But I was (and am) still physically attracted to men, so it was pretty confusing for me. In any case, I never said a word about it! I was married to a man at 20 years old, and thought none of that mattered at that point. I would just be hetero then, right? Of course not. I still felt a lot of conflict about my orientation and felt I needed to come out as bisexual to my husband. He was shocked but very accepting. However, he knows that I am more attracted to women than men and he gets very jealous of that.

    7 years later and I'm still struggling quite a bit with my identity. We have 3 kids at this point, and I love my husband very much. But I don't feel bisexual. I identify as a lesbian in my head. I couldn't quite figure out why bisexual didn't seem right to me, because I still find some men physically & emotionally attractive (certainly less often than women). My husband is included in that. It finally clicked for me just yesterday that I am NOT, however, sexually attracted to men. In any way. I'm am absolutely attracted to my husband, but not sexually. I don't even know if I could describe how I've been making love to someone under these circumstances, but we have. In any case, the only people that I am attracted to in every way are women.

    I don't know what to do now. I wish that I could let the sexual attraction thing go. There is SO much more to a relationship than that....and we have a decent relationship in other aspects. I feel very shallow, but it's really eating me up inside. Part of it, I believe, can be attributed to his views on sexuality. He has very conservative ideas. He is very against fantasizing, and even masturbation which seems very archaic to me. I feel incredibly guilty when I have a sexual thought involving women because I know he would be upset about it. Unfortunately, my sexual thoughts don't involve men, so every bit of my sexuality causes guilt. He is very liberal in most other ways, but his parents are very sex negative and it rubbed off on him.

    I love him, and I want to be with him. At the same time, I have fantasized about starting over after a divorce and living in the open.....on a recurring basis since we first got married. I feel horrible about that. I feel like I'm leading him on at times. I want to be who I am, but am afraid that it can't happen in a marriage. At least not in my marriage. Even if I do come out, and attempt to be open but stay with him, how do you tell someone that you've been making love to for almost a decade that you aren't sexually attracted to them? It didn't devalue the "making love" in my mind. But I would be devastated to hear it myself, so I don't think I could do that to him. Do I stay quiet and keep truckin?

    I feel as if being in an opposite-sex relationship pushes my self esteem extremely low. I don't feel like "me" if that makes any sense. That doesn't seem like a good reason to hurt someone I love though. If dealing with it silently spares him the hurt, that has to be the right thing to do, no?

    TIA
     
  2. sexwax

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2014
    Messages:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    No definitely don't stay quiet life is too short to be miserable don't put either one of you through this any longer than you have to attraction changes over time in any marriage so it's not like this is taboo where people tell another after a long term marriage that they just aren't into anymore it's better than cheating or "faking it"