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Sexual versus romantic versus emotional attraction

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by marie77, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. marie77

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    While trying to figure out whether I'm bisexual or a lesbian, I've been trying to figure out what attracts me to people and who I'm typically attracted to.

    I have never really taken the time to figure this out and am now trying to do so at 37, while married, and in a foriegn country where there's not a lot of diversity. Talk about doing things the hard way!

    Anyway, I'm confused as to what the difference is between sexual attraction, romantic attraction, and so on. And I'm starting to wonder if I'm a gray-asexual or maybe demisexual. I always thought wanting to jump someone's bones was a guy thing because guys are horny. I never really got the appeal when someone posts a pic of a naked guy or a guy with his shirt off. I'm just not sure what is attractive about that.

    On the other hand, I think boobs are awesome and women are beautiful. But I'm not super excited by any other lady parts or guy parts for that matter. I can remember being really really sexually attracted to my ex-boyfriend who had long hair. But I'm not attracted sexually to my husband and the idea of sex with a guy doesn't sound very appealing to me right now even though I've done it in the past. Is it possible I'm just going through a phase where I'm not that interested in sex? Or could I be asexual and maybe I'm just now realizing it?

    So, what is sexual attraction like? Does it just mean to want to have sex with someone or can it be other things about their body? What about romantic attraction? Emotional attraction? How do I know what the differences are so I can figure out who attracts me in those different ways?
     
  2. Chip

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    My advice: Throw away the romantic vs sexual and demi, gray, and any other sort of unrecognized label stuff. There's no support for any of it among the professionals who work in that field, and, honestly, all it usually does is muddy the water. And from what you've said, you are definitely not asexual.

    So to answer the core questions: Attraction (sexual, romantic, and otherwise) is a complex combination of hard wiring, psychological factors, your own level of self-confidence and, perhaps most importantly, your own access to your emotions and willingness to be vulnerable and open.

    Many, many people who are in the process of identifying their sexual orientation experience confusion, and part of that is the interference of conscious and unconscious mind ("What if I'm a lesbian? I don't want to be attracted to girls!") as nearly all of us initially reject at some level the idea that we might be gay or lesbian because it inherently excludes us from the largest "group" (being, people who are heterosexual.)

    So it's quite normal to feel confusion about arousal and attraction, and often, the early (and unconscious-driven) response is to essentially suppress sexual desire... which many people mistakenly label as "asexuality", which it most certainly is not.

    I'd suggest that the first thing is to try and relax and let go of the immediate need to definitively know where you fit. That may sound counterintuitive, but it will actually take the pressure off so that you can just explore and see what you feel and experience.

    It seems pretty clear that you don't have any strong attraction to guys at present. One thing that might be useful is to really think about what was going on in the past.

    It's possible for people to be in straight relationships for years and be sexually active, but then to eventually figure out that, in fact, the attraction has never really been that strong, and there's a stronger attraction for the same sex.

    It's also possible that you might be genuinely bisexual, had a strong connection to your ex-BF, and never really had a great connection with your husband.

    Or it's possible that, as you get more in touch with the idea of attraction to women, you'll feel a level of attraction and drive that you've never felt to anyone before, because you'd essentially repressed those feelings.

    So I think that once you have time to sort of sit and sift through the feelings... and maybe also look at how accessible emotions and body self-awareness is to you... that will give you a better picture. If you don't have a lot of openness to your own emotions, that can really complicate your ability to understand where your sexual attractions lie.

    As I hope becomes clearer from the above, the separation between romantic and sexual attraction is really sort of a red herring, as are the unrecognized/misused labels, as they are for the most part a function of emotional openness and awareness and influenced by conscious and unconscious processes. Once you start to get clearer on what you're thinking and feeling, I think you'll find it easier to answer these questions.

    I hope the above was helpful; if it's not, feel free to ask for clarifications, and I'm sure others can also chime in to offer other insights.
     
  3. MfromA

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    Chip, I agree, although these labels may be technically accurate for some, they can get so specific that you can create a label for yourself that applies to hardly anyone else in the world. We are all unique but very few of us are THAT unique. I subscribe to Occam's razor, that is "The simplest explanation is usually the correct one". "Gay" is a lot simpler than "homoromantic gray asexual" so in my searching I give "gay" a lot more weight than the other possibilities.
     
  4. marie77

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    Thanks Chip. That is very helpful.

    Part of my problem is a lack of connectedness to my emotions. I have realized that in the past (with girls and guys) I dated and was in relationships with whoever was convenient or whoever asked. I never really thought about who I was attracted to.

    I know normally people have lots of time to figure all this out and I do want to take some time, but I need to figure out what I want for my life and part of that is figuring out who I am. I know my husband can tell that I am distant and I just am uncomfortable hiding all this from him for very long.
     
  5. Ettina

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    Chip, please stop saying this. I've posted links to research into asexuality before. Try educating yourself instead of spreading misinformation.
     
  6. ZombieEater

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    I've always felt that those who say they are (for instance) "bi-romantic homosexuals" are just people that want to cling onto the idea of being more straight/bisexual than fully gay without lying... It feels like they're trying to fool themselves more than anyone else. Just like, to me, something like "homo-romantic asexuality" seems to be more of a nitpicking of emotions/attractions that they see through rose coloured glasses (their ideal truth). It's just them being like "oh this must be it" because it's easier than actually facing the frightening feelings that come from realizing your true sexuality and the implications it entails. At least, this is probably the case for most who identify as asexual or demisexual, I think.

    But then what do I know... I'm not a bi-romantic homosexual or a homo-romantic asexual...
     
    #6 ZombieEater, Mar 26, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2014
  7. polaroid

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    I'm not going to lie, I did not know there's so many classifications in terms of sexual orientation! It was hard enough for me to decide whether I'm a lesbian or I'm bisexual :confused: and then there's this bi-romantic homosexual, homo-romantic asexual, demisexual, etc. etc. I'm still trying to understand/learn about these terms.

    What exactly is bi-romantic homosexual? Isn't that the same as bisexual? What's the difference? How about homo-romantic asexual? Is that someone who's into the same sex but not sexually? I don't know what demi-sexual is either. Whilst I can probably look it all up online, I thought it would be better to see how the participants in this forum describe those terms.
     
  8. Chip

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    Sorry, Ettina. The findings don't reflect mainstream thinking. You're welcomed to voice your opinions, but any time you do so, I'm going to respond with factual information that reflects the dominant thinking by the overwhelming majority of researchers and clinical professionals who work in the field, rather than small fringe groups. (If I and others didn't focus on mainstream findings and discount non-mainstream ones, then we'd have people citing studies that sexual orientation can be changed, and that wouldn't be helpful either.

    I'm sorry you feel like it's devaluing your right to hold onto an unrecognized label. That isn't my intent. But I do want to provide information that will help those questioning, and unrecognized labels aren't helpful. This OP and others who have posted find the information I've provided helpful, and providing help, accurate information, and support (along with opposing views) is what EC is about.
     
  9. Ettina

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    Define 'mainstream thinking'.

    I really don't think the studies I linked to are in any way 'fringe' group studies. Have you actually read them?

    You said elsewhere that you're not denying asexual people exist. So if you believe we do exist, what do you think we should do to understand ourselves?
     
    #9 Ettina, Mar 26, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2014
  10. stocking

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    This is kinda how I feel about the terms heteroflexbile , homoflexible this is just my opinion but I think their actually bisexuals that lean more to a certain sex. I'm also questioning bi romantic lesbian couldn't it just mean a bisexual girl that has a preference for women but I don't know I just looked it up and saw it was a lesbian that can fall romantically for a guy but not want sex now i'm hearing soo many different uses of this lesbian that likes having sex with a guy . maybe it's just miss use of it I don't really know . but I do think heteroflexible and homoflexible are both bisexual just a better way of explaining what kind of bisexual the person is .
     
  11. triptych

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    ok I think a good majority of the posters in this thread have contributed to derailing it entirely.

    I chose to check this post out because I was going to post a thread in a similar vein, then I saw that the topic changed from one person seeking advice to people arguing about definitions of labels and the validity of those labels, etc.

    None of the latter is constructive in regards to the OP's question, regardless of whatever stance was taken by any individual.

    For those of you who posted in here to argue and deviate from the OP's concerns, i would suggest such arguments be taken elsewhere as I feel they not only detract from the focus the OP deserves from replies to HER thread, but also tossing around so much extraneous and irrelevant and debatable information could very well serve to cause more confusion for everyone!

    That aside, marie77, I am finding myself in a similar situation. I'd like to share my thoughts and feelings regarding my predicament in hopes that you can take something away from them and perhaps apply it to your perspective of your predicament.

    A little background info: I grew up thinking that I "had" to be interested in girls. I pretty much brainwashed myself from the get-go to pursue relationships with females. While I never truthfully took an active role in finding a date/girlfriend/whatever, I did seem to get attached to any girl who would express romantic interest in me (starting around 6th grade, 16 years ago, and ending roughly 1 year ago, so 15 years total haha). This attachment is something I'm still trying to decipher... I think a big part of it was psycho-social pressure, other parts that probably contributed were;
    -a misunderstood feeling of relatability (gender-wise) to the girl(s)
    -an opportunity to personally experience a hetero-normative relationship... albeit vicariously through the girl i was "with" (that might be a little confusing, sorry lol. ask me if you think u might benefit from clarification)
    -maybe other stuff i cant think of right now, idk, im tired haha

    so for many years i had went along with what i believed would cause less friction in my life from family/friends/society, then i had my first experience with a man (a boy, really... sadly... a boy-for-life. but that's his problem, not mine.) while I sincerely thought i had experienced those stomache-inhabiting butterflies nobody can seem to shut up about while with some girls, NOTHING was ever even close to the chemical, biological, mental, emotional, primal desire and exhilaration I felt this one time with this... male. I thought that solved everything for me, i truly did... however, i did not see this guy again for another year. so for another year I experienced no such connection as i did that night (for many reasons). at last I decided to see if i could reconjure those incredible feelings I had when with this guy. alas, i could not... none of what we did felt the same as it did a year ago. i could take many guesses as to why that was, but as it stands, there really are so many complex contributing factors and situations that frustratingly obfuscate my truth...

    re-reading what I've just typed, I'm not sure there's really anything for anybody to learn, lol... but, ever the skeptic, I'll go ahead and post anyway, haha.

    Cheers! :grin:
     
  12. thrnvlpidj

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    Keep an "attraction" journal of your feelings for the people you encounter.