I have been questioning since I was 16 years old. When I first realized that there was a possibility I could be a lesbian, I freaked out of course. I told myself that there was no way I could be a lesbian. I fantasized about being with a man in the future way too many times to be a lesbian. I wanted it too badly and never felt otherwise before. I always managed to avoid dating guys though. my excuse every time was... I want to be an adult so that I can start dating and doing what the women were doing in the romantic comedies. I did date this one guy when I was in the 7th grade he was in the 9th. I knew his aunt she was my English teacher actually. I was pretty close with her because she was also my dance coach. we met through her. when he asked me out. I remember feeling confused and nervous. Being the pushover that I am I said yes to him and regretted it. I felt so bad throughout the year we were together. every kiss, hug, any moment he tried to be affectionate with me, I was never in the mood for it. He was creative patient and kind too that's why I felt so guilty all the time. I eventually broke it off with him hoping that he would get over it, find some really pretty girl and forget about it. In the beginning of last year. I've accepted that I am not entirely straight. I do find women sexually attractive, but I cant imagine dating and having relationships. yet, with guys it being the other way round: liking the idea of dating a guy but when it comes down to it, it's like... ummm, maybe not.
Through my own experiences, I'm pretty confident that you're feeling the effects of the transition phase between denial and acceptance of yourself as lesbian. When I first realized I could be gay, I could never have imagined living my life with a man. I could imagine having sex with one, but never dating, getting married, having kids, and growing old together. The idea made me shudder. I desperately wanted to do all of those things with women, like I'd thought about growing up. Why is it so hard to imagine dating and living a life with someone of the same sex? Because you've probably been raised your entire life, all 21 years, thinking that you're going to marry a man. You watched the Disney movies with the princesses marrying the princes. You fantasized about dances and balls with men. Men. Men. Men. Now you're 21 and all of those dreams and fantasies you had as a kid are shattering before your eyes. Can you see what I'm trying to say? Why in hell would you want to accept the fact that you're attracted to women? Why would you want to lose any chance of fulfilling those childhood fantasies? Why would you want to go against society's 'norm' all of these years? That's the chaos that your mind is going through right now. And it takes a fair amount of time and a lot of thinking to accept the fact that you CAN marry a woman. Your mind isn't like a light switch, with one side being "Men" and the other "Women". It's going to take some time to accept the idea of being with a woman. For me, it took until I met my boyfriend to accept that I could grow old with a man. I always rejected the idea, but after I realized how much I love him, how much I want to spend time with him, and how much I want to share life's great experiences with him, I accepted that I can probably date and grow old with a man. Hope this helps.
Honestly, I just want to crawl into a ball and disappear. I'm crying as I'm writing this. I don't know what to do with my self I sort of feel numb. I'm scared to go anywhere or be around my family without thinking someone is noticing something gay about me. Maybe, I'm just over thinking this. What if my brain is tricking me into thinking I'm gay because that's all I obsess about????
I've thought similarly - what if I'm not gay, but because I just keep thinking about it I'm accepting that? Bogus. That's just your mind trying to circumvent the idea of being gay. Girl - Take a deep breath. Relax. Don't worry. Don't stress about this. If they haven't guessed that you're lesbian, they're not going to guess now. <3 This isn't anything to get super crazy sad about. Are you dying? No. Is your life threatened? No. Are you in danger of losing your friends, your loved ones? No. Relax. <3 This is a minor personal issue that you're working on addressing, so don't let it ruin your beautiful personality.
Yea I guess I am kinda stressing out too much huh. I can get through this. I know I've said this before, but I'm really happy I found this site. Although it may not seem like it but you've been of big help...really. thank you for taking the time out to read and giving me your honest advice. Hopefully you don't get tired of me anytime soon. Lol
