I have a really, really deep crush on one of my straight friends. He's had girlfriends, he talks about girls, and he's practically a chic magnet(and guy magnet for me :/). I told him I was gay when we were watching a movie together at his house and he kinda just looked over at me and then back to the movie. He asked if I was telling the truth and I said yes and after that all he said what "oh." Now he pretends like it never happened and we're really good friends. In school I joke around and says I love him and he just say "no" or "stop that" and we continue on whatever we were doing previously- probably because he's weirded out even though he knows I'm joking. I stare at him and think about him almost every single moment and I have noticed my grades are dropping from high 90s to the high 80s because of this. Sometimes when I'm checking him out :icon_redf he'll look back up at me and we'll lock eyes for a while. Of course, I grow red and am the first to look away. I'm sure he MUST notice that I'm practically dying over him. He can be really stupid sometimes(in a cute way) but he can't be that oblivious. Also, in one of our classes, he moves up against me a lot so that our sides are touching even though we have a lot of space at our tables in our science classes. I just squirm away because I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do because I don't want to love him for the reasons that he's straight, can sometimes be a little bossy and mean, and I've never kissed anyone or let anyone touch me because I guess I attempt to push away everybody(failing) a lot even though I have a wide group of friends. I don't know what I'm looking for... advice I guess. And please don't tell me to go for it because then my secret would be out and I don't think it'd ever work between us- which is exactly why I don't want to love him anymore. Helpz.
