I am 18 years old and I have always looked more at girls than boys, and I am now in a situation where I'm pretty certain about the fact I am a lesbian. I could write much here to explain why, but I'd rather ask this question: Any questions I can ask myself to be more sure if I am a lesbian? I am actually pretty sure, except the fact I'm thinking: Hmm.. maybe I'm bi(because I used to think that and I have been in relationsships and had sex with guys) but it never feels as special as it does with girls. I know I get turned on by girls, want to be near them and find a perfect beautiful girl for me. I'd rather see myself with a great woman than a man. The one thing that makes me uncertain if I'm a lesbian or bi, is the fact that I felt really in love with boys before, especially one(and we are still friends) but I had issues thinking about us as someone who could be in a relationship + when I kissed him it didn't give me butterflies, even if I was so in love with him. I didn't understand why at the moment. I actually had been in love with him a long time, and never really felt to kiss him. Also, with boyfriends in the beginning I usually wanted to avoid kissing because I felt uncomfortable. I thought this might have something to do with my first boyfriend, who didn't really care much and was really unconsiderate in bed... but I also realized I've always looked more at girls + I had a girlfriend right before I met him and nothing felt greater than to be with her... When I realized she didn't like me anymore, I had a though patch in my life and searched for comfort, and I've found that in a boy even though I didn't even like him(just needed someone) but he wasn't good for me.. When it comes to porn, I always look at the girls and I'm all like: yeah touch her there and shit because I would want to do that... I just thought I was bi, because I have this feeling inside me that being gay is wrong(I have nothing against gay people, it just felt wrong for me to be it) and I was just like oh no people can judge me and stuff. I enjoy looking at girls, have had girl crushes, I can stare easily at girls I think is beautiful and have this need to be near them and just want them in a way I've never felt with boys. I have to concentrate to be able to touch boys under sex and I actually at times feel disgusted and I don't always want to kiss. One of my other problems is that I don't masturbate, it disgusts me. And I actually think my genitals look really good, so it's weird. I think i have just made this thing up in my head that it is wrong and I don't know why. Maybe because my mom talked about stuff like this too early, made me feel uncomfortable about it + she also said stuff like: boys will just have sex with you without your consent and shit like that so that might also fuck things up. The last years I also had issues with being open and talking about the fact that girls turn me on, and I think im trying to hide it from myself and pretend to be something I'm not because it's easier. It doesn't make me happy though. It's always like something is missing, and after a while during sex all I think about is that it could have been better if it was a girl performing these sexual things on me. Girls are so much more beautiful. I can think boys are hot, even kiss them on the cheek and hug them but I really don't want to go any further. Back to the thing with masturbation, I don't know if that makes me hornier, but I can pretty much say I'm sexually frustrated. I thought that since I was horny when I was with boys I can't be a lesbian, but I am also horny at other times where nothing could get me horny. If I forget about how society is, what I feel I should be doing/ is normal... All I really want is a nice, beautiful girl with amazing tits. That sounds weird.. But yeah.. And sometimes I feel like I'm more like a boy (you can't tell by looking at me, and I don't want to be a boy) but in my thoughts. I am actually really perverted, and when I think perverted about girls I sometimes think I'm being unpure and disgusting and feel bad. I feel that maybe I should just forget about those thoughts and find a nice guy.. If I find a guy who is very handsome and nice I can probably get turned on by him and want to be near him like that, but the truth is I feel I want a girl more than anything. To just let you guys know, I had a really weird childhood and my mom fucked my mind up a lot with different shit + my dad too, and that has given me a low ass selfesteem and pretty much that may also be the reason I feel I can't be gay. The first time I fell in love with a boy was because he gave me attention (I'd never gotten attention from boys) and he made me feel pretty, but that was just a confidence boost. I think my thing with boys was only to make me feel better about myself, to make me feel attractive, and when I fall in love with a girl I would do anything for her and I feel great around her, I don't just feel better about myself, I just see her and how amazing she is. I want to be with her, and with boys it didn't feel like that the same way. I also have issues saying no to people, because of my childhood. That has made me to think more about what other people want than me, and in relationsship with boys I usually had to think that he might want me to kiss him and that''s what made me go through with it or if we had sex. When I am with a girl, I actually WANT to kiss her. In many ways stuff just feels wrong with boys, and it's just no But it's like I'm always trying to reassure myself I can like boys and maybe I do, but all in all, I don't think I do. Sorry for this mess. My mind is a big mess. + I don't know if this is important, but at two occasions when I was younger I cut my hair short and tried to feel like a boy to see how it was (and I realized I wanted to be a girl) + I usually had one girl in class I always looked more at, but didn't think about the fact that I wanted to kiss her and stuff. But I did. I wanted to look at her in a bikini. I check out girls alot. Sometimes I feel it would be easier to be a dude just so I could feel more natural when I wanted a girl. If I was a boy, I wouldn't fucking care about any dude, I would be all up for the ladies! Just now I'm like... a girl... I love being a girl...but I wanna date girls, marry a girl and all that shit and it confuses my mind and I finally started to accept it but it's so new to me. I have a feling being myself will be easier if I just realize I'm for the girl team and be proud about it. Ok, it might be more to add to it; If I see a picture of a hot dude I don't really care, and usually the guys I have liked has even been girly in some personality sense or just has been really feminine. OR they have been giving me a really big personality boost and that made me fall, the way they made me feel, not the way I felt about them. Didn't really like them that much, just thought: wow, they like me. Damn, I must be special. or some shit like that. I have a lot of guy friend and like hanging out with them, but I would more like to be like a homie/bro, you know.. cause It's more chill, but I feel like acting the way I feel inside completely in front of them goes against being a girl .. or I don't know it's just weird.. It just get fucked up. Back to the masturbation part, I guess I'd feel better starting to do it and more comfortable with myself, but I'm scared of my thoughts. I tried to masturbate once a while ago, and it was scary + I thought about girls... I am really tired now but I just made up an idea in my mind: If you are unsure, have to question if you want to kiss a dude/fuck him/be with him whatever that means you actually don't want to? Because if you want to, you'll fucking know it and I fucking know when I wanna do shit with a girl, it' s just I haven't been all the way with one and it feels scary and I'm afraid I might not like it.... But I still just want a girl, be in a relationsship with a girl... Ok, I have to go to bed... Hope to get advices I'm also afraid if girls know I'm a lesbian, they will constantly feel I'm checking'em out or falling in love with them, which is not the case. or if I would just get horny and uncontrollable if I sleep in the same bed as them, because I have that with girls before and that's not an issue, espesially if I only see her as a friend.. ---------- Post added 28th Mar 2014 at 05:27 PM ---------- Uhm, yeah sorry for writing so much when all I was supposed to do was ask one question...
Well, I'd say you are a lesbian. Also, sorry about your childhood, it sounds bad. (*hug*). Best of luck! Also, about being horny when doing it with guys, that is probably just a biological reaction. I get horny sometimes around girls, but I'm not attracted to them at all.
Aww, thanks for the hug Yeah, I guess I'm a lesbian, but I've been in denial for such a long time... And it's a new and scary thing to come out there as a lesbian...
Wow. Sound like this has been a lot of stress for you. Before I state my read, I want to mention this: labels serve two purposes. One - a security blanket; an identity of sorts for the holder. But really, it's there for the cis-hets that simply don't understand the depths of sexuality. And so your label is about what you're comfortable with. If you are attracted to guys, but simply don't feel as incredible with them as girls, you could say you're bi with a preference for girls, or you could say you're lesbian, and even if you're attracted to guys, since you're happier with girls, you could date girls more freely. Some people also say that sexuality isn't about who you're attracted to; it's about who you ultimately fall in love with. From this, it sounds as if for you, that person will be a girl. But that doesn't mean you have to identify as a monosexual. Finally, my read: I think you're likely a biromantic homosexual. You seem to be happy with the idea of a romance with a guy, but anything past physical contact just doesn't do it for you - and it does for girls. However, such a label can be simplified in ither direction. Remeber, it's all about what you want in your relationships and your future. I wish you the best of luck, wherever it may lead you.
One thing I want to add, this may seem extremely odd... but like if one of my best guy friends is in love with a girl, I suddenly look at her and think through their eyes and would be like: ahhh, she is so beautiful, I understand them and stuff... ( I don't fall in love with her, but I'm just like I understand them really good ) And, I don't know if this is my way of not allowing myself to think about girls sexually or if it is just that I think about this, but when I had a boyfriend, I sometimes imagined what I would like to do to girls I found attractive, but sometimes I would imagine what he would lok at, what he would do and it sort of annoyed me, but it also was sort of weird that why would I think like that? I tried to think it was just that I was jealous, but it was with girls I had no reason to be jealous over too, and the more I think about it now maybe it was just because that's stuff I would love to do to them and since I was in a straight relationsship and wanted so bad to be either straight or bi I turned it over to thinking it was jealousy. One thing also, is that I think I am a little bit in denial and scared of the fact I'm probably a lesbian. I always put probably, 90% chance or something else, because the idea of just saying: I am lesbian scares the shit out of me. I try to think about ways to turn myself into being bi, but the truth is that I don't really want to be bi, it's just that I'm scared of saying I'm a lesbian and then end up realizing I'm not. I have changed my interested in on facebook to only females, and the other day I thought someone threw something at me (it was at the floor next to me at school, but I doubt they were aiming at me) but I just suddenly got these thoughts about: oh, no they probably know I'm a lesbian and want to bully me. I am so scared of being a lesbian. I don't like the idea of being a lesbian. I have nothing against lesbians, but just the idea of other people looking at me... knowing I like the same sex, and just it just scares me, I don't want to be seen as the lesbian girl. I know it doesn't work that way, I know that I probably don't have to say what orientation I have for most of my daily situations, but I am really good at overthinking things and I get all these worst case scenarioes in my head. I also think that if I would be with a woman I wouldn't want to finger her, touch her vagina, because I'm scared that I wouldn't like her vagina and I just say to myself that some vaginas are gross and I'd probably be scared. But when I was with a girl this weekend, one of my bestfriends, and I don't know how her vagina looks... but I still had the urge that I wanted to try fingering her( I didn't, but we talked and I might get allowed to do it another time and vise versa) but I touched her boobs and felt great about it, and when I'm with boys I can touch them and be like yeah ok nice body or just be like disgusted, mostly im disgusted, but I don't have anything against hugging them or like ''flirting/goofing around'' or touching their bum if they are wearing jeans or boxers for fun but like the sexual part isn't something I have any urge to do. I never have any urge to do sexual stuff with a guy, I never had. I just wanted sex, and if I ever intiated to sex (rarely happened) it was only because I felt that was the right thing to do, I never felt comfortable doing it. But when I was with my girl bestfriend, touching her was just not any problem, I wanted to, it felt natural but at the same time scary. I am so afraid not to live the ''normal'' life I think, because I think about why do I want to have sex with someone of the same sex as me? Why don't I want to have sex with boys, with penises? Why do I want vaginas when I have one myself and I just.... ahh.. it just doesn't give meaning to me... but then I'm like.. ok probably a lesbian. Today I believed for a short while that maybe I was in love with my ex boyfriend because he is on vacation for a week(we are still best friends) because I felt scared for the fact that he could meet someone there or anything, but even though I don'tfeel anything when I kiss him, I don't want to have sex with him but I LOVE his personality and how kind and funny he is. So after thinking about it, I realized that I am afraid to lose him. I am afraid to lose people because of what I've experienced before, I am afraid of people not keeping promises, I am afraid to be alone. I am afraid that if he meets a girl and he gets a girlfriend, then we will no longer be friends and I can no longer talk to him as much as I do now. Because he means so much to me, and I am afraid that if he falls in love with a girl, he will lose interest in being my friend. I think that + the fact I am scared to be a lesbian makes me think: Oh, I must be bi. I should probably be with him.. The truth is I don't want to be with him, I just don't want him to be a less part of my life. It's like I have this battle within myself to convince myself I can't be a lesbian, instead of trying to accept it. I can't say I am a lesbian, I am too afraid. One other weird thing, is that I go to a therapist, and I have told her I think I might be a lesbian but before that I didn't even tell her I was bi, I also just left my orientation out because I was afraid she'll judge me or think I look at her a certain way. Since she is a woman. I don't know, I also saw a handsome man at the store today but I had no interest in kissing him or anything, and I tried to imagine myself wanting to be with a handsome man but it's just .. NO. They are just so manly... Imagining myself with a beautiful girl is easier, but it's hard in so many aspects because it's not the norm.
just because you dated men in the past or had sex with them doesn't mean you can't be a lesbian from what you wrote up top you sound lesbian to me
Wow, this right here describes how I'm feeling word for freakin' word. Are we the same person?! My heart feels like "lesbian" is a better label, but I'm afraid I'll fall for a guy later down the road. Sometimes I do feel things toward guys where I feel emotionally attached, but the thought of having sex with one isn't exciting to me. It sounds to me that you're a lesbian.
She you both sound similar to me because even when I was labeling myself bi I connected better with other lesbians and I think even though I was using the bi label at the time my lesbian long distance girlfriends never thought I would leave them for a man they never got mad when i had guy friends maybe they knew I was gay along
