Bi guy first time feelings for a guy but I don't want to come out...

Hi guys,

In a nutshell: I'm a bisexual guy who's dated a gay guy for 4 months and for the first time has developed genuine feelings for a guy after being in relationships exclusively with women before. This guy - very understandably - broke up with me 1 week ago because my closetedness was very limiting to our relationship. I know that I need to come out and introduce him in my social life if I want to give our relationship a legitimate chance. But I'm still very closeted. I have led such a 'straight life' all my life that the thought is terrifying to me, my family would be shocked, it could turn my friendship bonds awkward, and I fear that it would severely damage my chances with women if things were to go wrong with this guy in the future. Most importantly, while I've become quite comfortable labeling myself as bi, at times it still feels so weird (like I feel like a straight guy waking up and thinking what the hell happened??) and I just don't feel sure yet about my sexuality.

The full version:

- Basics: I'm a 28 yo bisexual male.

- Relationship history: I've had nothing but relationships with girls before, 2 of which were longterm (1,5 years each). The first one knew I was bisexual, and I believe it was one of the reasons she dumped me. That's the reason I didn't tell the second one. In between my relationships with girls, I've had loose sexual contacts or brief 'physical flings' (only sex) with guys.

- Orientation: Whereas I identified as mostly straight up to 5 years ago, I more and more identify as bisexual, sometimes I even wonder if I could be gay (mostly due to the recent fact of having feelings for a guy and due to the fact more than half of my sexual fantasies lately have been about guys). I was definitely in love with the girls I was dating, but, somehow, they always felt I didn't love them enough, wasn't as touchy/feely as the other men they dated, etc. Sexually speaking (sorry for the details): I definitely get aroused by women, and still do, I can easily masturbate and get an orgasm thinking about women, but since the age of 18 there's been a very gradual shift towards more and more homosexual fantasies. So sexually, right now, I'd say the balance is 60/40 to the guys' advantage. Romantically, I only felt attracted to girls, until...

- Out status: I'm out to only 4 people: my brother (who is also bi), a very good gay friend, and 2 straight friends. This is definitely my biggest issue.

- Issue: I met this gay guy 4 months ago. He's an awesome guy. He's my age, handsome, he's an interesting, creative but also very socially conscient and fun person, basically definitely my type of friend/love interest. We started dating exclusively. At the beginning, I felt ashamed, your typical bisexual a*****e: 90 % of the time we slept at his place, he introduced me to his friends but I didn't do the same for him... I felt really bad about that as I genuinely like him very much, but he was very accepting, very kind, and didn't mention any problem even though I asked him often. He said I should take my time to figure things out. So gradually, I relaxed, and sat back, and the same pattern continued. Until 3 weeks ago, he grew distant. I sensed something was wrong, even though he wouldn't tell me, and 1 week ago he broke up with me. We haven't had contact since a week. Of course, I completely understand him. It s*cks to be in a relationship with someone who asks you to keep secrets, with someone who doesn't acknowledge you as their partner, with someone who isn't even sure he's bi/gay to begin with. I completely understand him.

We talked about the reasons for breaking up. At first, I was afraid he dumped me for being bisexual. But he told me that the biggest problem for him was me not being out, and he told me that if that would change, he believes we would stand a very good chance.


Now, one week later, I miss him very much... The thing is, I know what to do to make things right. I need to come out for my sexuality and make our relationship one of mutual respect, one of two partners who are equal in taking and giving.

But I just can't bear the thought of coming out... The thought of it terrifies me...

I know that my (mostly straight) friends will probably take it well, but as I'm not even sure about my orientation, I fear that, if things were to ever go wrong in the future with this guy, I would really hurt my future chances to date girls if I came publicly as bi. And I don't want that. I don't want to be written off by girls before having a legitimate chance.

Also, it's a reputation thing, an image thing. I feel so much shame over being labeled as bi... I can only imagine people say 'how did things go wrong with this nice young man?' I know those thoughts come off as very conservative, and I feel ashamed for admitting, but it's the truth. I've had a good reputation in my social circles, most of my good friends are rather conservative and typically straight couples buying houses in their late twenties, getting married, settling down... It's so difficult being the 'one left out' and part of me knows that I still have the option of living the same life with woman and kids, not coming out (well, only to my wife) and finding happiness like that.

I fear the changed/altered vision people would have of me. Not only privately, but also professionally. I'm also scared that things will turn awkward with my straight guy friends, who are really my mates, and whom I've never had any even remotely romantic feelings for. I'm also scared for the misconceptions about bisexuality... People will just laugh and ask 'when will you choose?', 'do you even know?', 'aren't you just gay?', and that while I'm even not sure myself of my sexuality.

I've talked to a psychologist with some experience in sexuality issues, but don't feel like I've made as much progress as I would like to have made. I've considered starting sessions with a psychiatrist specialized in gender and sexual identity issues, but due to financial reasons I've decided to put that on hold and first try to figure out some things myself.



Bottom line, these are the problems:
1) Sexual identity: who do I see myself having a relationship with? In my book, it could be either a woman or a man, romantically and sexually.
2) Commitment fear: how do I commit to a man I genuinely love while I'm still unsure about what I want in the future and might end up hurting him in the long run? I would hate myself for doing that to anyone. But it is holding me back from what I want: a fullfilling long-term relationship.
3) Coming out: if I want to give the relationship with this guy a legitimate chance, I have to come out as bisexual gradually, at least to my housemates and close friends, and have my lover introduced in my social circles. But I feel so extremely awkward thinking of that. I feel like first, I want to be 100 % sure of my orientation. And even IF I'd be 100 % sure I'm bi, I would still rather not come out. Only if I'd be gay, as then I'd have no choice. I just hate losing this really great guy... I don't know what to do...

 

I realize my situation probably comes off as pretty weird/unclear/hopeless/difficult to deal with, but I just wanted to say that I'd very much appreciate any input.

 

Hi MDDBc87 and Okiagari,

Thank you both for your replies. Together with talking things through with my bisexual brother, I've come to relax.

The strangest thing is that my feelings for the guy, let's call him Roger, have diminished greatly this past week. It's weird... I've been imagining myself coming out to people, committing to him long-term, being exclusive with each other, maybe even raising kids one day. I've slowly (only internally, for myself) come to accept that this scenario might happen. But as soon as I accepted things, my feelings for Roger have started to ware of.

I'm not sure how I can explain this. There could be various explanations: 1) I am especially attracted to him/other men because it's "forbidden fruit". 2) I get bored when imagining a long-term monogamous relationship 3) My sexuality is extremely fluctuating.

I think the first option is most plausible, but I'm not sure.

@MDDBc87: it's true, managing a 'fluctuating' sexual orientation does bring along its difficulties. I am also trying to learn to embrace it, but it's not easy... Long-term happiness is based on making choices and accepting the negative sides of the choices you make, and while that's a big task for everyone, it seems more difficult as a bisexual person.

@Okiagari: I agree that one should do their coming out on their own tempo. I am somewhat surprised by how quickly he shifted his views on this problem. In a period of two weeks, he went from 'take your time, you should come out whenever you want' to 'I don't want to be together with you anymore because you're not out'. It makes me think that, if we were to start a relationship again, he has to work a lot on his communication skills.

 

Hey Okiagari,

While I have dated many guys, it were mostly short meetings, more oriented towards sex than with any real emotion, in contrast to my relationship with Roger, which was my first relationship with a guy I'd say. So in that sense, I haven't dated many guys yet.

Pfff, I miss him... I feel like I want to contact him. I know that he wants to be with me if I change and come out. Although maybe, the week without contact has made him realize that he'd be better off with a gay guy? I don't know... He might feel like he was the underdog who made all the sacrifices in the relationship, so maybe he feels like I should make the first move now to contact him back. I, on the other hand, feel like he dumped me, it was definitely his choice, not mine, so I'm not the one to start begging... I think I'll wait a week or 2 more before letting him know something. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think that I shouldn't let him know anything first, and wait for him to do that... Meh, then again, I don't want to play mind games, that's just plain childish. I hope we can handle this in a mature way and I really hope, even if things weren't to work out between us, we could still remain friends, I just like who he is too much for me to cut him out of my life.

Damn, it's difficult. But I know it's for the best. I wish us both happiness. Why is breaking up always so tough. Meh.