Hello there, I'm yet another newbie in need of help. I'm just a confused mess these days. What I know: I'm female I have never had a crush on a guy I have never been in love (neither guys nor girls) when my friends started crushing on actors, I prefered actresses I will rather notice beautiful women in a room than men I might see an attractive woman and think "you're hella beautiful, girl", but I'd never act on it and I don't know if I want to My phantasies mostly include women (I'd say 70/30), but not necessarily myself Some bits of my past: As a teenager, I was painfully shy and had no self-esteem due to bullying I have never asked anyone out I've been dating guys who asked me out when things got serious, I gathered my stuff and ran in the opposite direction Longer version: I've always assumed I was straight, but too shy and too *insert a lot of harmful words* for anyone to actually love ME. When guys asked me out, I was surprised and flattered and usually things were good at first. I dated whoever was nice and asked. I never really thought about who I was attracted to. I liked dating as long as we were still getting to know each other, but as soon as he wanted to take things to the next level, have sex or openly declare we were in a relationship, I ran. He fell in love with me, but I didn't reciprocate. Over and over again. So at first I thought: Okay, I am hetero, but have commitment issues or maybe I haven't met the right guy yet. I have been single for a long time and only recently stumbled through another situation like those above. He was a very sweet guy. Polite and considerate and like the perfect guy, really. We could communicate quite openly too, so I told him that he needed to give me time and not rush it (suspecting commitment issues still). So he did. He was very careful and respectful and always asked me if I was okay with what he was doing. I really wanted it to work. Then we kissed. I've kissed guys before and I liked it, but this time ... I don't know. The whole thing repulsed me. The smell, the sense, the taste. Ugh. In the end I broke things off and broke another heart. Then I remembered that all my celebrity crushes as a teen were female. Everyone I found extremely inspiring (historical figures, authors, teachers ...) - female. Next thought: okay, maybe you're gay then. However, I have never acted on it. I don't know whether that is because I didn't want it to be true or because I just didn't feel anything strong enough to act on it ??? Maybe it has to do with self-esteem, or I haven't met the right girl yet or I only dote on girls who are off-limits ... I have never had a SERIOUS crush on anyone real and in reach (male/female) and I have also NEVER been in love, which made me doubt my sexuality as a whole. So I began researching and ended up with asexuality and aromanticism and all those terms that come with that. At one point I went: Okay, maybe then I am an aromantic,asexual homoplatonic ??? Like whaaaaaaaaat?! I wouldn't even know how to design a flag or button for that! It makes me sound like a stone or a crazy-colored lizard. Truth is: I never had strong romantic feelings or sexual desires for anyone. Maybe that's because I generally don't feel that or because I have always surpressed any budding feelings, because they were for the "wrong" team ...??? So, idk. I'm super confused. :help: Any advice on how to clear this chaos up? Maybe I should try dating girls ... BUT LGBT isn't really big in the city I live in. Where would I go? And I am not sure about the whole thing. I'm still crazy insecure... I would just sit there and not talk to anyone probably. Any thoughts?
This I can relate to. I've had these warm feelings of admiration for men since adolescence. This feeling must be, or be very similar to, "romance" because I hear love songs and think about these men. However, it never leads to any kind of physical desire. I never even got started with women, hardly any interest whatsoever, dated 4 times in my life. I discovered asexuality about a decade ago and it seemed technically correct for me. But that discovery never really stopped the questioning and the longing for an intimate connection with someone. About a year ago I decided to "try on" a Gay identity. I decided I should date a man, but never really made much effort in finding one (fear, and general distrust of the usual places to find gay guys, like bars, clubs and dating websites). Anyway, about a month ago an appealing, and available, gay guy appeared at a place that I frequent. I am now going through a wrenchingly difficult process of figuring out when and how to ask him out. Anyway, if you want to meet people, LBGT or otherwise, go out and do the things you love with as many people as possible. Be yourself and make yourself seen. I predict you will find someone who attracts you. When you do, don't waste a minute making a connection.
Hi, and welcome to EC. You're in the right place. First, I'd suggest discarding the idea of the unrecognized labels, and look at the attractions you do have. I think the key most likely lies in the shyness and self-esteem issues and bullying. To feel attraction and connection to someone requires a certain level of vulnerability: first, we have to acknowledge that we like someone, and to do that, we also have to consider whether they'll like us back... and in the case of a same-sex attraction, we have to consider how society/family/friends will view it. If we're bullied, or even really shy, it may be really hard for us to put any feelings out there, because the bullying tends to make us really numb (essentially, the opposite of being vulnerable.) And that makes it really challenging to understand our attractions. So I'd suggest that perhaps the first step is to work on opening up more. That means doing self-work, looking at the self esteem issues (which rarely resolve on their own, without therapy or other structured, self-focused work) and learning to really believe in, and fully love, yourself. You have to believe that you are worthy of love in order to be open to deeply feeling and accepting it. If you're a reader, I'd suggest checking out Brené Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfection" as a great starting place. You can also check out her TED talks on Youtube (The Power of Vulnerability, the Price of Invulnerabilty, and Listening to Shame). And the other big antidote to shame and low self esteem is... talking about it, which you've already started to do here. Keep sharing and discussing what you're feeling, and that will really help you to better understand yourself and to feel more open.
Hi again. @ MfromA: I can relate to what you are describing about the songs and all that. Only I am not sure of the asexual label for myself. I do think there is some kind of desire there... but somehow only if the person is untouchable ... not sure about that, though. I've read your story and I really hope you can get a hold of that guy you're interested in. easier said than done. I do have a small circle of friends, but I have a hard time letting new people into my life and I often won't try new things if I don't feel safe (e.g. with a friend by my side) - or if I do it on my own, I will be so stressed out that there is no room for wondering about my interest in a new person. @ Chip: Thank you. :icon_bigg What do you mean by ? I think you are right - but if this is true, then I am doomed. :dry: I've not felt okay with myself for more than half my life and I've tried to fix that since I was about 14. I've talked to ppl about it, tried to face my fears, made new friends, went to therapy (waste of time!) and have read a crazy amount of books. Nothing truely helped. I know the theory (so to speak), but i just can't feel it. There is still that small voice that just doesn't feel wanted, welcomed or loved/lovable. This is all due to my personal history (starting from complications at birth, really) and it is so etched in my mind and skin that I am not sure I will ever be able to shake it off. So it might very well be true that I am gay. I'm not afraid of coming out to my family or friends if it ever came to that (they're very open). Could be that what I am afraid of is rejection - or even worse: success, because I wouldn't know how to handle someone being in love with ME (my experience with guys already proves that) or desire me. That feels wrong and alien. I cannot IMAGINE why/how someone would do that. I really do not understand it deep down and that makes it confusing and scary (if it happens). So maybe I'm not asexual or aromantic after all, but just scared of affection being shown towards me. Idk. Wow, now I am sad and even more confused.
Hi, By unrecognized labels I'm referring to "asexual" (as the word has been appropriated) "aromantic", and "homoplatonic". While they are helpful to some, and I respect those who choose to use them, if we're talking about the mainstream psychology fields and current thinking, they aren't recognized terms and there's currently little credible support for them. My experience is that they often inhibit the exploration process rather than help it. (Others may disagree; this thread is about helping you, not debating the terms.) As far as believing you're worthy of love... this is absolutely something you can change about yourself if you aren't currently capable of loving yourself. I know it might feel like it's impossible but it really isn't. Therapy *is* often the answer, but there are a lot of terrible therapists out there and it sounds like you had a bad experience. One place you can start if you want to explore that path, is Brené Brown's work. While she doesn't address LGBT people specifically, the work is directly on shame, vulnerability, numbing and how those impact our ability to be happy and live fully and wholeheartedly. Her book "Daring Greatly" is well worth the read, and her three TED videos (The Power of Vulnerability, The Price of Invulnerability, and Listening to Shame) are all worth viewing, and many in your situation have found her work transformational. All of the issues you're describing - fear of rejection, fear of success, difficulty with emotional intimacy (letting someone love you) are directly connected to shame and vulnerability, and her work is front and center to those issues. I know it seems overwhelming but it really isn't. Understanding how shame, vulnerability, authenticity, and self esteem impact our ability to love and be loved is really key to overcoming the barriers we create, and the antidote to shame and low self esteem is empathy and sharing your story... which is exactly what you're doing right now. SO you're definitely on the right track.
