Hi, Never been on this site before and am a little confused. Appealing to anyone who is sure of their sexual and romantic orientation and has experienced a lot of people who are also sure of their orientations. This also might interest people who might be totally unsure. Some facts about me (EMOTIONAL TRIGGER WARNING): 1. I have only ever been in semi-serious/ casual relationships with bisexual and heterosexual men. 2. I have never considered being in a relationship with a bisexual or homosexual woman. 3. I am sexually active, but have not have sex with my current boyfriend since New Year's Day (4 months) because I have not felt like it (probably stress related). I have sometimes had fantasies which have made me feel sexually aroused but not enough to actually have sex. 4. I have never had sex with a woman but would probably say yes if I felt comfortable with the woman in question. 5. My relationship with my current boyfriend is very serious, romantic, going splendidly and he is very understanding about me not wanting to have sex. 6. In the past I have had fantasies about having sex with women, have had fantasies about kissing women, and have felt sexually aroused by the thought of women. 7. In the past I have not had fantasies about having sex with men, but have enjoyed having sex with men, enjoyed kissing men and have felt sexually aroused by men. 8. I find young men who dress as women, and young women who dress as men, extremely attractive and have occasionally felt a hint of sexual arousal. 9. I like the thought of having sex with a woman and enjoy having sex with men, but have felt that I wanted a romantic relationship with a man and have never felt that I wanted a romantic relationship with a woman. 10. TRIGGER WARNING: This is very embarrassing to admit, because it is wrong, but in the past I have used my knowledge that homosexual or bisexual women are attracted to me to experiment with my own sexuality. Some questions I ask: 1. TRIGGER WARNING: Why do I feel as if having sex with a woman is not serious, but feel that having sex with men is far more serious? 2. TRIGGER WARNING: Why did I use my knowledge that homosexual or bisexual women were attracted to me to experiment, when I would not do the same if I knew a man were attracted to me? (I hope) 3. Is it right for me to hang out with the LGBT group at my university and join their nights out? 4. If I were to get out of my current relationship, would it be right for me to experiment sexually with homosexual/bisexual women and crossdressers if I ever got the chance? 5. Or would it be disrespectful and selfish, as the homosexual/bisexual women and crossdressers in question may be homoromantic/homosexual in which case I would just be leading them on or using them for my own devices? 6. Am I a heteroromantic bisexual, or am I just plain heterosexual/heteroromantic with some added fantasies? 7. What on earth should I refer to myself as if someone asks?
Hi, and welcome to EC. It can be confusing trying to figure things out, particularly when you're just going through the exploration process. It's also worthwhile to recognize the stages of loss (in this case, loss of identity as straight) that one goes through in coming to understanding of one's orientation. Those stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. My suggestion: discard the differences between "romantic" and "sexual" orientation because the mainstream psychology field hasn't found support for those ideas. My own observations is that those labels usually serve as "bridge" identities as one is going through the bargaining phase (i.e., "OK, I acknowledge that I like women, but I still like men") and the problem tends to be adopting some nonconventional label and then getting stuck because you just assume that's where you are. Instead, I'd advocate simply exploring where you are and not worrying at this point about the label. If you must choose a label, at this point, you've got attractions of sorts to both men and women, so "bisexual" would be accurate. And it's certainly OK to hang out at the LGBT center. As far as experimenting, I think as long as you're honest with whomever you're with (basically saying you're not sure where your orientation lies), I see no problems with that. The main thing is being respectful of others' feelings. As for the piece about sex with women seeming less serious than sex with men, and the other related questions... I think the answer to that will become clearer as you explore your feelings more. What complicates things is the stages of loss mentioned above, but also the baggage that comes with acknowledging being other than straight (what society/family/friends will think and so forth) and so, honestly, time is usually the best solution to finding your true self.
